Siesta Keycap Season 1A Ep 1 — New faces, more drama
MTV Wants you to know that this season of Siesta Key has EVERYTHING.
Juliette and Alex reuniting, Jansport backpacks, backstabbing, Madisson screaming, Brandon with a Wknd haircut, Juliette and Kelsey finally coming to blows, a gay man, Kelsey getting rejected, A THIRD black cast member, a juggalo, and possible cancer.
Before you give me any credit for that list — ALL of these things were teased in the first three minutes of this episode. That’s right, we’re back in Siesta Key — where according to Juliette, happy endings don’t exist. (Someone call the tourism office, we have a new slogan for the island!)
Like my recaps, the cast members have a lot to live up to this season.*
My DVR tells me that this is simply episode 11 of season 1, but for our purposes, it will be referred to as Season 2.
Madisson delivers right off the bat with a gorgeous new haircut. Peak LC hair, much shorter, a little blonder, and a wave that I couldn’t achieve if I had 10 days and every Beachwaver on the market. Oh, and Madisson is meeting Brandon’s family and they exchange “I think I love yous,” and I can’t tell if it’s more or less awkward than anything I just watched on The Bachelor in the last two hours.
And some exposition now, we see Madisson moving in with Kelsey in an apartment, Kelsey taking photos she can’t wait to send to New York, Juliette playing wth Garrett, Chloe still working at the beach bar, and a CRAP ton of new people. I refuse to care until something signifcant happens, but new names include Canvas (ugh WHY), Carson, Hannah. I’m overwhelmed, y’all.
Madisson is playing tennis with someone we’ve never met, but he knows her and he knows Brandon, and the entire point of the scene seems to be to remind Madisson (and viewers) that Brandon used to be a player. Cut to — Chloe and Canvas at the bar, where it seems your only job requirements are to wipe down counters and cut fruit. Brandon comes in and we get our first impression of Canvas..which is..not great. Canvas says she moved from Atlanta to Siesta Key to get closer to home. Where’s home? Orlando? Tampa? Miami? Nope, Canvas is from Hawaii. Google Maps indicates she did not really accomplish her goal.
Aside: Your guess is as good as mine as to when this is all taking place. There are references to the “end of summer” and Season 1 wrapped up shortly after July 4th, so that left a lot of time left for these people to be around, which I assume means they had a short break in filming? It’s going to bug me until we get a definitive date reference.
Anyway, two by two they entered the bar. Kelsey and an unnamed friend, Madisson and her tennis pal, Chloe and Pauly, and a lot of other randoms. ALEX UPDATE: Totally forgot he had his jaw wired shut, so that explains his temporary absence. Chloe and Pauly cheers to being positive, and I predict by the end of the night he will have made her cry. Kelsey is flirting with Ken-doll Carson, and Canvas is already flirting with Brandon. You guys, she does tequila shots and un-ironically thinks she’s unique. Help me. Oh, and she also said “you only live once.” Look, I’m a journalist, and it’s not my job to tell you how to feel about anything, but I personally need Canvas to go all the way back to Hawaii now.
*I thought I must be toward the end of the episode — but no, I’m 17 minutes in.
And finally, we see Alex. Jaw wired shut after getting punched in the face. Are we surprised? But in case you felt like you didn’t get enough for Christmas, consider this my gift to you.
Everyone’s getting ready for the end of summer BBQ, and we get more of Canvas DGAF-ing about Brandon’s relationship status — but we also find out that Kelsey spent the night at Garrett’s after they fought at the bar and he gave her a ride home. Kelsey says nothing happened, but she also said the same thing after going into Alex’s room naked. So her track record is a touch spotty. But don’t worry, I’m sure Juliette will be fine with it.
Yay! The first party of the season! A lot of close ups of cleavage, slow motion shots of shirts being removed, Garrett working out to get his “pre-party pump on” (his words not mine), and way too much lipstick for a POOL PARTY.
While everyone else is at the party, an army of tiny humans helps Alex, who’s no longer bandaged, but still a total mumble mouth, head off to law school. I’m sure this isn’t the last we see of him. For the love of God, he brought one suitcase and three shirts on hangers. If nothing else, he has to come back for more stuff.
DID YOU ALL KNOW YOUR FRIENDS CAN SEE WHERE YOU ARE BASED ON YOUR FUCKING BITMOJI ON SNAPCHAT? *checks to make sure feature is disabled*
OK, this feature is exactly how Chloe figures out Kelsey spent the night at Garrett’s house. Kelsey says Chloe should tell Juliette, but we don’t get to see it play out right away.
That’s because our opening act of drama is Canvas straight-up coming on to Brandon, and him letting it happen while Madisson stands on the other side of the pool surrounded by friends who tell her she’s not crazy and this isn’t okay. Her friend from tennis, Derek/Eric pulls Canvas aside and she lays down the gauntlet and pulls a “I’m not here to make friends,” and that Madisson should watch out.
Me:
Ding Ding! Onto the heavyweight match, Juliette vs. Kelsey! Chloe tells Juliette about Kelsey spending the night at Garrett’s and I’m treated to a super satisfying, yet anti-feminist, turn of phrase from Juliette. That’s right, she calls her a slut. Which I know isn’t okay, but this is practically scripted television so let’s not all freak out. Juliette confronts Kelsey and Garrett and isn’t buying their story that nothing happened. She’s so upset she races out of the party into the night still in her bikini.
Correction: An earlier version of this article said Brandon’s house, not Garrett’s.
PHEW. What an episode, I promise I’ll keep it tighter as the season goes on, but we had a lot of catching up to do, and new people to discuss!
I give this episode 10/10 Derpy Alex Faces because they’re clearly raising the stakes this season and I’m here for it.
My keycap gets 0/10 because it was too damn long, but I hope you all will stick with me this season!