Making the tastiest team in triathlon

If you can’t get a bacon sponsor, join The Cupcake Cartel

I wrote my first piece on this blog in September of 2014. Since then, I’ve written 43 posts pleading my case for a bacon sponsorship. Upwards of a dozen people have read any number of these compelling pieces of literature.

I can’t tell you how many miles I’ve biked or run, how many laps I’ve put in at the pool, or even how many pounds of bacon I’ve consumed over the past four years. But I can tell you I’ve done the work. Despite this, neither Hormel, Schmacon, nor Market Pantry ever blew up my phone.

However, another food group has welcomed this would-be bacon athlete into its forbidden corner (just the tip) of the food pyramid. It is with great humor and self-deprecation that in 2019 I join The Cupcake Cartel, the tastiest team in triathlon.

Despite my answer to the application question, “If you were a cupcake, what kind of cupcake would you be?” involving secret bacon filling, this team has welcomed me with open arms, a free trucker hat, and discounts on a variety of triathlon essentials not including bacon.

Like me, The Cupcake Cartel communicates with gifs, puns, inappropriate jokes, and laughing at ourselves, all built on a foundation of substandard nutrition. So I will gladly adjust to wearing pink and finding motivation in sugary baked goods instead of greasy pork parts.

Say hello to my little friend.

I know. You’re wondering how I will make this transition and how I will bring you, my four readers, along. You know I’m uninspired by the popular practice of diluting bacon by adding it to every item on the menu instead of just replacing every item on the menu with strips of bacon. Nevertheless, I will take my first step toward becoming a true cuppie by wedding cupcakes with bacon. It’s been done before. It’s risky, but worth it. And I will always share my cupcakes with you.

From there, I will immerse myself more deeply into life with this authentic, supportive, hilarious team one cupcake gif at a time. Before you know it, you’ll see me sucking air on the race course in a Cupcake Cartel kit and writing about it right here.

But know this: I will never abandon my first love.
Always be prepared.

On the subject of loved ones, to those of you who have stood by me through my bacon quest and showered me with useless bacon-related gifts for years: I know this is a big change. I will understand if you can’t follow me to the sweet side. I hope you can respect my choices for 2019. Just remember, no matter your allegiance, we all have a friend in cheeses.


I can’t believe you read this whole post! Please share if you enjoyed and send bacon sponsor leads (or just packages of bacon or dozens of cupcakes) my way.

More about me: I wear the sweatpants in my relationship.