36 Things I’m Thinking About Now that I’m 36

A year ago, I made a list of 35 random thoughts to celebrate my 35th birthday. Well I just turned 36 so let’s run it back.

Getting Older

1. 36 doesn’t look that monumental on paper but consider the following: I’ve been driving for 20 years and legally drinking for 15. That means that next year my driving can drink and my drinking can drive.
2. I feel my age but I don’t feel old, if that makes sense. I’m a little slower, a little creakier, but feel pretty much the same. Maybe the biggest difference is that when I was younger it felt weird to tuck in a t-shirt or golf shirt; now it feels weird not to.
3. With that said, here’s my approach to aging: I’m young until they play Pearl Jam on Classic Rock radio. Once that happens it’s all over.
4. I’m grateful that there’s no way to estimate what percentage of my 36 years on Earth I’ve spent untangling headphones. It could be months at this point.

Sex

1. Men think about sex the same way that kids think about ice cream. We fundamentally understand the reasons why we aren’t getting it but that doesn’t lessen how much we want it.
2. The best part about having a hot wife: unlimited opportunities for appropriate inappropriate leering. “You’ve been staring at my crotch for an hour.” “Much longer actually.”
3. Watching fireworks is like watching porn, the first five minutes are great, but then it starts to feel redundant and you’re basically just biding time until the finale.
4. Buying shoes at DSW is like meeting a girl at a bar at 1:40am: that shit is there for a reason.
5. Sex in your 20s is like going to a supermarket stoned: the sheer number of options is overwhelming, sometimes paralyzingly so, and inevitably you leave with 2 or 3 things that you’d never buy in a normal state. Sex in your 30s is like going to a supermarket with a neatly defined list: you know what you like, you know what you need but occasionally you buy one of those weird things hanging in the aisle because why the hell not?

Health / Pooping

1. I’m not sure if women experience this same phenomenon, but whenever I use a public or shared restroom (at the office, gym, bars, etc) I’m struck by the same thought: roughly 25% of the male population needs to stop what they’re doing and go to the doctor right NOW. If I were to break it down, I’d say 25% are normal; 25% need to go to the doctor; 45% definitely need to eat better and 5% may already be dead.
2. Pooping in an airport bathroom is definitely the closest I’ll ever get to being in a gang bang.
3. Pooping on an airplane is like trying to grab something out of the trunk at a red light: you get what you can and move on.

Politics / Justice!

1. The following is presented with 70% sarcasm and 30% seriousness: in the age of self righteousness and social media protests, why hasn’t anyone cried foul at the fact that women’s tennis matches only have three sets while the men play five? Doesn’t that seem antiquated and sexist? I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, Mr. Wimbledon, but the survival of our species relies squarely on the endurance and perseverance of the female. And what kind of message are you sending to young women? You can do anything you want but you might want to wrap your match up before your tiny woman arms get tired and fall off? Lost all respect! #advantagewomen #whataracket #childbirth
2. The following is presented with 99.5% sarcasm and .5% seriousness: as the number of Cosby victims continues to climb — I think we hit 35 recently and it feels like 50 is just around the corner — at what point do we start feeling bad for him? I mean, didn’t anyone want to fuck this guy?
3. Internal monologue: get excited about Hillary, get excited about Hillary, get excited about Hillary. She’s smart and experienced and thoughtful and progressive. She’d be great…she’d be really good…she’d be good…she’s the best we’ve got. Get excited about Hillary, get excited about Hillary, get excited about Hillary. Nope. Not working.
4. Kudos to the Obvious Police for letting the lion-killing dentist really have it! If we’ve learned anything from this, it’s that you definitely should NOT pay $50,000 to hunt and behead an endangered animal. That was a tiny bit murky before, but once again the Obvious Police have cleared that up.
5. On that note, what about a feature on Twitter and Facebook that prompts you to donate $ when you complain about something? They could even make a suggestion for an amount based on your level of vehemence. “If I ever see him in person, I swear to God I will kill that dentist fuck!” That sounds great, ____! Click here to give the Zimbabwe Reserve $50.

Religion / Huh?

1. I’m not sure if I believe in God, but if I did, the God I’d believe in would definitely chuckle to him/herself every time a human being eats a banana.
2. Here’s the problem with theology vs science: neither option is great. If you choose God then you’re saying that everything we know, see and experience was created by a celestial being and that we’re moving along a completely orchestrated and predefined path. There’s a lot of things I don’t like about that. If you choose science, then you are saying that the universe is infinite and completely random. The Big Bang was a random event. The fact that a rock stopped exactly 92.9 million miles away from a giant star — the exact and perfect distance to support what we define as “life” is a random event. There’s a lot of things I don’t like about that. The first one seems too limited and the second feels too empty. So where does that leave us? I don’t know. But I’m really in love with my wife. That’s the prism I look through when trying to reconcile these types of questions and I’m not sure which definition is best supported by that feeling. Do I think we were destined to be together? Yes. Do I appreciate the complete randomness of our finding each other? Yes. Should I shelve this for now and go stare at her crotch for an hour? Yes.
3. If the Virgin Mary ever traveled on a really, really big boat then you could say that she was literally a Ferry God Mother.

Travel

1. The people sitting in first class are never the people you think will be sitting in first class. I can’t tell if that means I need to be less judgmental or more.
2. Ever notice how smug people look when they have one of those suitcases that can roll in multiple directions? Why are you mean mugging me, Sideways Sam? Oh your bag can move side to side AND front and back? You must be a damn wizard.
3. Dear people at baggage claim, step. the. fuck. back. Your luggage is a) not more important than anyone else’s and b) will not burst into flames if it stays on the carousel for more than 17 seconds. We all want to go home and/or get to our hotel so we can look at weird things on the Internet. Scoot back please.
4. Dear airports under construction, rather than point out your renovation with some banal sign like “We’re getting better. For you” just pretend that it’s another one of your nonsensical art installations. Get an artsy sign that says “the evolution of the NOW” or “Modern Decay” and I guarantee no one will notice.
5. Dear, Planet Earth: put a bar in baggage claim. You’re welcome.
6. Let’s replace “the grass is always greener” with “whatever the person next to you is watching on an airplane.”

Music

1. Here’s my impression of the radio: blah blah, Taylor Swift, blah blah, Ed Sheeran, The Black Keys, blah blah blah, Maroon 5, Shane Company.
2. Pandora needs a sideways thumb button so you can say, “I actually like this song but just need a little break.” Hozier’s Take Me to Church is probably the sideways thumbiest song of all time.
3. Here’s a music question I’ve been thinking about: what’s the best American band of all time? When you think about the greatest bands — not singers or performers but actual groups — they’re all from Europe: The Beatles, The Stones, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Radiohead, Queen. Our list of all-time greats is heavy on singers but light on bands: Dylan, Elvis, Sinatra, Michael Jackson, Hendrix, Springsteen, Stevie Wonder, Johnny Cash, Prince, Jack White. So which band is our best? As crazy as this might look on paper, when considering cultural impact, influence on other artists and total body of work, isn’t the answer The Beach Boys? The Dead might’ve had more cultural impact; the Velvet Underground might’ve had more influence; maybe the Allmans have a better overall discography; but when you add all three together the answer is The Beach Boys, right?
4. This is a gross oversimplification, but it seems like there are two types of songs, and by extension, artists: the kind that say “fuck you” and the kind that say “help me.” The really good ones can do both at the same time.

Sports / No Idea

1. There was a time when I would prepare for my fantasy football draft with an almost maniacal intensity. Reading magazines, watching shows, doing mock drafts, running through multiple scenarios and situations, etc. Now? With kids and other adult-ish things I’ll be lucky to log 3% of that. In other words, I’m approaching my draft the same way I approached being with a naked girl for the first time: if something looks good I’m grabbing it.
2. Doctors wearing scrubs in public is the clothes version of talking about yourself in the third person.
3. If you’re in line to take over your parent’s barbershop then you are literally the hair apparent.
4. I’ll tell you the thing that bugs me the most about good looking people: we have to work harder to prove that we’re smart.
5. Fuck geese. Seriously. What are they adding to the planet? What do they do other than shit and scream about it?
6. I’m not going to make an unsolicited recommendation about getting stoned and eating Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles but if you were considering getting stoned and eating Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles then I recommend getting stoned and eating Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles.

See ya next year.