The Illusion of Control: Perfection, Expectations, and the Path to Self-Realization
As I pour myself another cup, this time opting for tea, I find myself returning to the familiar comfort of my introspective space, preparing to pen the second entry in my blog series. This evening, my thoughts are particularly focused on a profound realization that’s been simmering in the back of my mind for quite some time. It revolves around a pervasive and often misleading concept that we struggle with daily — “The Illusion of Control.”
I’m thrilled to continue this exploration with you as we dive into the second blog post of this series. For those who are joining us for the first time, you may want to take a moment to read the introductory blog and the first post to get a sense of our journey so far.
Before delving into this blog, I want to reiterate that I am not an expert on the subjects that will be explored. These blogs are simply mirrors reflecting my personal insights on various life experiences. They serve as pages from a digital diary, chronicling my voyage of self-discovery as I plunge into the depths of my essence.
From a young age, we’ve been asked that age-old question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Like little dreamers, we start to share our wildest aspirations: “I aspire to be a superhero,” “I want to be a famous singer,” “I dream of being an astronaut”… Without knowing how to even realize these visions, we start to imagine our ideal selves. As we grow older, these colorful fantasies often get diluted, perhaps because when we see the actual path to fulfill these dreams, we humble ourselves, or simply, these identities evolve as we mature.
These imaginings of the perfect life, often seen through a child’s lens, tend to naturally fade as we mature. However, our adult selves are not immune to these idealized scenarios of life that continue to run subconsciously in our minds. As we age, it becomes more difficult to identify these perfect life expectations. They become less obvious to us, sinking deeper into our consciousness over time.
I’m not referring to the practice of having healthy goals and objectives in life; these are crucial components in constructing a meaningful narrative for our lives. Rather, I’m addressing the ideal scenarios that we construct in our minds, which we continually strive to fulfill and follow. These scenarios are sometimes not only projected onto ourselves but also onto the people around us.
The Tyranny of Expectations
As we develop our identity, we construct expectations for our future selves. These expectations are often influenced by our surroundings, and in today’s world, social media projects unrealistic standards onto us in terms of success, wealth, power, relationships, happiness, etc. When not handled correctly, these expectations act as silent orchestrators of our behavior, setting rigid benchmarks for ourselves and others. These expectations, if not managed wisely, become the puppet masters of our lives, pulling the strings and setting inflexible standards for us to live by. We become the puppets, dancing to the tune of these expectations, striving to fulfill every single one of them, leaving no pattern undone.
These expectations, these visions of perfection, push us to seek control to achieve our desired outcomes. Personally, in some experiences, these expectations were a source of motivation for me; they held me to strive and push myself to improve. But there’s a flip side to this coin. When reality fails to match these visions, we are left with a bitter taste of disappointment.
As we grow, our inner child is armed with more than just imagination — we become the masters of our own fate. This gives birth to an ‘illusion of control’, where we believe we can command our life outcomes. We plan, organize, and structure our lives like modern-day wizards, attempting to control our destiny. However, in my pursuit of this perfection, I discovered it’s merely a mirage. It’s a clever illusion that promises certainty in a world that is ever-changing. For instance, despite our best efforts, unexpected events like a sudden job loss or a global pandemic can drastically change our course, showing us the limits of our control.
This sense of control is a behavior born not always from a desire to dictate but from an innate need to protect. It aims to guard the fragile structure of expectations from the chaos of uncertainty. Our inner child finds comfort in these expectations and will do anything to protect them to feel safe. For some, this fortress of expectations stands tall on the precipice of their fears, shielding them from the storms of past traumas and the unpredictable winds of life.
When we are not fully conscious of our own actions and thoughts, we often allow our subconscious mind to activate its defense mechanisms. To protect these expectations, we project our defenses onto ourselves and others. This leads to feelings of disappointment, and sometimes even frustration, often without understanding the triggers and motivations of our subconscious mind.
The pursuit of perfection is like chasing a mirage — an enticing image that continually eludes us, leaving us exhausted and thirsting for more. Making perfection our goal is a recipe for failure because it’s an unreachable standard. Once we realize its impossibility, we can liberate ourselves from this futile chase that only leads to dissatisfaction.
Discovering the Real You
In our life journey, we often find ourselves aspiring to construct an idealized image, striving for perfection and adhering to certain expectations. While this is an admirable journey, it might be worth our while to let our curiosity lead us down a slightly different path. Instead of shaping our actions to meet certain expectations, why not dive deeper into understanding who we are beyond these expectations?
Instead of fantasizing about perfect scenarios, we can embark on a journey of self-discovery, to discover our true selves. The true identity hidden beneath the layers of societal norms and pressures. Tapping into our core, that profound part of us that often gets neglected, where our authentic desires, passions, and values reside.
I won’t just advocate for this concept; instead, I’ll give an example of myself. I often found myself trapped in a relentless cycle, chasing an elusive “ideal image.” I was so immersed in the future that I overlooked the beauty of the present. When I embarked on this self-discovery journey, I pressed pause on these life expectations. Internalizing this decision, I pushed myself to explore activities outside the box, embracing curiosity in things I had previously dismissed as time-consuming or trivial compared to my expectations. The outcome of this experience helped me perceive life from different perspectives, allowing me to better understand myself and identify my true desires in life.
In realizing the importance of embracing the journey, I also reflected on the times I had put off my own happiness. So many times, we delay joy — I used to be in that same boat. We think that hitting a specific milestone, grabbing that degree, locking down a particular job, or going on some fancy vacation will finally make us happy. But what if, instead, we defy those expectations? What if we find joy in the journey, savoring every step as we chase our dreams?
I am not suggesting that fantasizing about perfect scenarios is pointless. It’s ingrained in our human nature to imagine an ideal self, inspired by all the achievements and traits we aspire to possess. Rather than using this perfect image for an unrealistic vision, we can employ it as a benchmark for our personal growth, by examining who we are today and compare it with who we were yesterday. This comparison isn’t meant to expose our flaws but to evaluate our growth, no matter how small it may be. It serves as a reminder that every move and every choice we make is a step closer to becoming the best version of ourselves.
At its heart, being yourself isn’t about striving for perfection, but about embracing who you truly are, even our flaws. It’s about having the courage to look in the mirror, meet our authentic selves, and extend a hand of friendship.
Releasing Expectations Towards Others
As we navigate our personal growth journey, it’s equally crucial to reconsider the expectations we set for our close ones. Each of us is a unique prism, casting life’s experiences into a unique rainbow of colors. Just as no two prisms cast the same rainbow, no two people experience life in the same way. Even the voice inside our heads is a distinct storyteller. This internal companion whispers a unique tale to each of us, a narrative only we can truly comprehend. These stories that shape our perception of the world, coloring our thoughts and feelings, guiding our actions, and ultimately defining our reality.
However, we often fail to recognize the uniqueness of each person’s perspective. Since we see life through our own lens, we tend to assume that others share similar viewpoint, hear the same internal narratives, and experience life the same way. This assumption is a simplification, a convenient illusion that obscures the diverse tapestry of human experience.
Acceptance is key when dealing with the reality that people may not always meet our expectations. They might deviate from the path we envisioned, and this is an essential, humbling realization. Human nature, a complex blend of experiences and influences, can sometimes lead to distressing actions, reminding us that not everyone consistently meets our standards.
Drawing wisdom from the profound words of Marcus Aurelius in his book ‘Meditations’, we should approach each day with the understanding that we may encounter interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness — all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil.
I’ve spent years striving for perfection. Initially, this pursuit kept me motivated amidst uncertainties. However, in some aspects, it led me into a self-imposed prison, where I was constantly striving to present the “correct” or perfect perspective. Recognizing it as such was my first step towards freedom. The illusion of control is just that — an illusion.
As I glance at my cup of tea, I realize I’ve forgotten to keep drinking it, while my interest was taken fully into writing this blog. My remaining cup is blazing cold, a different taste “expectation” than what I was perceiving during the start of my writing. Yet somehow an interesting one.
Until the next shared thought,
Chris
