A Conversation I Had Last Night

SETTING: T St. NW. It’s near U St., only one block south. You get it.

TIME: 8 pm.

CHARACTERS: Clare, early 20s, sweaty. Jess, early 30s, white and beardy, looks like he listens to NPR. They have never met before.

CLARE and JESS are both walking home from Trader Joe’s. They are holding grocery bags. CLARE in particular is holding a lot of groceries, because she doesn’t know about restraint and she’s a messy bitch who lives for frozen cheese blintzes.

JESS keeps turning around to look at CLARE.

JESS: I always forget how nice T St. is.

CLARE: (removes one earbud) What?

JESS: Oh. Sorry. (He is not sorry.) I always forget how nice T St. is.

CLARE: Yup. It’s a good street.

JESS: Have you lived in DC long?

CLARE: My whole life.

JESS: Oh my! Have you ever left?

CLARE: I mean… yeah… I went to college… I travel… I know about other cities…

JESS: Wow. Ok, this is a very DC thing to ask, but what do you do?

CLARE: I work at a nonprofit, which is a very DC answer.

CLARE is visibly annoyed and texting throughout this conversation. She does not take out her other earbud.

CLARE does not remember the exact wording of the conversation that ensues, because she does not care and needs her brainpower for ranking Kesha songs. Here’s the gist: JESS introduces himself, mentions three times that he works in finance, explains gentrification, and extols the virtues of Whole Foods. CLARE answers in one-word sentences, or, when possible, caveman grunts. She cannot walk faster because her arms are full of groceries and this bitch is not leaving her blintzes behind.

JESS: Well, this is where I turn. I have to say, I have really enjoyed talking to you. Would you like to do it again sometime?

CLARE: No.

JESS: (crestfallen) Are you sure?

CLARE: (trying to expedite this process) I mean, I’m super gay. So.

JESS: Oh. OH! (visibly relieved — this is the only explanation that a human woman wouldn’t be interested in him) I used to have a roommate who was gay.

Excellent job establishing a rapport. Well done JESS.

CLARE: Well, we’re everywhere.

JESS: Before I leave, let me give you a compliment.

CLARE: Please don’t do that.

JESS: You are very attractive for someone who’s, you know, gay.

CLARE: That’s because gay people are more attractive than straight people.

JESS: You really think that?

CLARE: Yup. BYYYEEEEEEeeeeeeee!

CLARE goes home and eats her blintzes. Fin.