Part 6: Toxic Masculinity
It all adds up.
Patriarchy has stolen masculinity from us. It has poisoned masculine energy with domination and it has moved men to do some of the worst things humans can do, and be some of the worst things humans can be.
Toxic masculinity is the result. It is the result of everything we’ve been talking about thus far. Masculinity becomes toxic when it becomes over-identified with domination and incapable of growth. When we become toxic, we become blind to ourselves, out of touch with reality, and, as a consequence, unable to change and grow.
So what exactly is toxic masculinity?How does it work? And what can we do about it?
What is toxic masculinity?
By toxic masculinity we refer to a very narrow understanding of manhood in which a man’s ability to dominate himself, others, and the environment is the sole basis of his identity, and seen as the only thing valuable about him. Nothing else is recognized as properly masculine, or understood to hold masculine value.
The result is a highly fragile, insecure masculinity that copes with discomfort the only way it knows how: through the domination of self and others.
Here it is important to note what we are not saying.
We are not saying that men are toxic.
Nor are we saying that masculinity is toxic
Rather, we are saying that patriarchal norms have corrupted masculinity; and that patriarchy is actively hurting men.
We realize that some men are threatened by the term ‘toxic masculinity.’ Some who hear this word believe that masculinity itself is under attack by feminists who want to erase men. But this is mistaken and confused. The reality is that people who use the term ‘toxic masculinity’ correctly recognize the inherent goodness of masculinity. They recognize that masculinity couldn’t have become toxic — as it often is today — if it was never healthy. So, they don’t want men to go away. Rather, they just want men to be healthy.
Now, as we saw in Part 2, The Origins of Patriarchy, human beings have not always been patriarchal. Patriarchy did not exist prior to the agricultural revolution. The male body only came to be linked to domination by the need to wage war and protect land. As society grew more complex, patriarchy arose to justify and encourage male dominance.In Parts 3–5, we saw that patriarchy is deeply implicated in many of our most pressing contemporary social problems — including sexism, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, and environmental abuse and neglect. The common thread running through our discussion at every step, however, has not merely been the effect that patriarchy is having on the world, but also the effect it is having in the lives of men.
The problem is that male dominance is fueled by male pain. When men dominate, they externalize their pain. Externalization is a defense mechanism in which people mistake others for the cause of their discomfort in order to avoid facing an issue in themselves.
How does toxic masculinity work?
Toxic masculinity is about over-identifying with domination. And it is about externalizing patriarchy’s unmet promises. When men externalize their pain, they turn the pain they experience into domination.
They become toxic.
Men who are steeped in patriarchy have been taught to blame others for all the ways in which patriarchy fails them. They blame women because sex doesn’t fill the holes in thier hearts. They blame queer folk becuause being a patriarchal man is so hard. They even blame the environment for being so open to domination.
It’s always about someone or something else, never about them.
In order to understand how toxic masculinity works, you have to understand the concept of a ‘false self.’ The false self arises when we’re unable to be fully ourselves in childhood, which causes us to become alienated from ourselves as adults.
Over time, boys learn that they have to repress parts of themselves to avoid being subjected to patriarchal domination, violence, and abuse. They learn they need to perform their gender a certain way in order to secure social acceptance as men.
This leaves them in a great deal of pain.
Unfortunately, patriarchy offers men addictive coping mechanisms for the pain they inevitably experience. These coping mechanisms include blaming others, maintaining distance, and numbing one’s own emotions through substance use and other addictive behaviors. These mechanisms help men feel better in the moment while actually destroying any promise of lasting relief.
Without intervention, these coping mechanisms will metastasize into a false self.
The opposite of a false self, for course, is an authentic self. If the false self is an identity we put on to please other people, then the authentic self is who we would be if we were free of those expectations. The authentic self never disappears. For example, the boy who is taught not to cry never loses the need to do so, he just learns to suppress it. But everyone needs to cry. And so, the authentic self is never far away and constantly trying to peek through the false self’s mask.
Toxic masculinity is what happens when the coping mechanisms men use to deal with their self-repression metastasize into a false self where every part of their lives is defined by patriarchal masculinity. For toxic men, the discomfort they feel as a consequence of their own self-repression is externalized as rage towards anyone who is not similarly repressing themselves or bending to their dominating will.
So what can we do about it?
Recovering from toxic masculinity
Healing from toxic masculinity involves some very simple but very difficult steps.
The first step is inward. It begins with identifying the moments that the authentic self has been suppressed and grieving them. Identifying and grieving are important steps that initiate healing from those moments that are frozen within us.
When we look inward and we start to encounter our authentic selves, the next step is to find a place to share it. Many men carve out small spaces (caves) where they feel like they can be their authentic selves. All too often these are solitary spaces.
The authentic self grows when it’s shared with other people. However, men are socialized to fear the vulnerability it takes to share their authentic selves with others. Men are taught as boys that if they step out of line they will be violently corrected or abandoned. That’s why it’s so important for men to get together with each other.
When men share their authentic selves with each other they can heal deep wounds and break intergenerational curses.
This is why Creative Masculinity exists. We believe it’s not enough to critique patriarchal masculinity, we want to embody an alternative. We want to make spaces where we can be our authentic selves and address the myriad issues patriarchy has saddled us with.
In the next and final section we’ll describe exactly what we mean by creative masculinity.
Do you want to talk about this?
Creative Masculinity hosts weekly Drop in Groups for conscious people who identify as men. Go here to see this month’s dates and sign up.