Held; a re-publication of a past poem, with added reflection on the changing & transient nature of Self.

here and now,

cease your running.

allow everything you are

to be held.

…

this moment,

is where you live.

there is nothing to be gained,

from running to the next.

here;

is where everything you seek,

is contained -

and at the same time,

can never be contained -

spacious, limitless, free.

…

enjoy what is here with you.

allow yourself to be with the fullness of experience.

the great mystery is all around you.

what you seek,

has always been realized in you,

even though you never realized.

…

you are an inseparable part

of the infinite Universe.

there is no need to push,

no need to rush,

slow down.

and experience your fullness.

the essence of you,

the gift of this moment -

take care,

you are among the stars.

[Hi friends!

I wrote, and first published this poem in February of ’21. I stumbled on it amidst my old poetry notes, and read it again today.

While reading, I was struck by the difference between the person who wrote it and the person who writes this now. I have changed, and my thoughts, reflections, expressions, words, and way of being in the world has changed with me.

I would not write this same poem now, in the same way I did then. At this moment in time, I am not filled with the same kind of light, easy, free presence. That me was young, carefree, innocent, and believed in the goodness of others and of life. That me believed I had wisdom and an understanding of life that could be of value to others. That me believed that by sharing my poetic musings I could be of benefit to others, and add a minutely significant amount of light to the world. I used to read this poem at the end of teaching a yoga class, while all my students lay in Savasana in meditation (or, lay in Savasana while endlessly trying to navigate the Monkey Mind, to no avail ;). The me I was then, believed that teaching yoga was my purpose, and that sharing my poetry and art with the world could in some way add to the experience of those would stumble across and absorb it.

Looking at this poem, I am struck by love, awe, appreciation, and admiration for the way I moved through the world at the moment in time that this poem manifested itself through me. The innocence, naivety, and freedom I felt and showed to the world was a gift - to myself, my yoga students, and of course, the trees (my karmic soul family ;).

The way of moving in and through the world that I previously had, is now gone. Remnants remain, but the me I was then is gone. She has dispersed into and onto the breeze, carried by mycelium spores to resprout in and through the soil into prairie grasses.

The me I am now, moves through the heaviness of seemingly insurmountable financial stress alongside the responsibility to continue showing up to work and school despite moving through the overwhelming emotions of grief, loss, loneliness, and isolation.

The me I am now, holds the weight of the murdered children and innocents of Gaza, while the state that wrongly claims the name of my Ancestors conducts a Genocide funded by the country I am citizen of.

The me I am now, navigates not being able to afford food or gas, while the person I loved, and lived with for a year (and continue to love and live with in a different space) is seemingly unwilling or unable to show empathy or compassion for me when I show strong emotions such as sadness, or cry in front of him (as he is seemingly unwilling or unable to sit with, acknowledge, or experience these emotions in himself). I have empathy and compassion for his experience, and also, I have realized that seeking care and love from him is no longer nourishing, supportive, or beneficial for the me that I am now (while also honouring the me that I was, that wanted nothing more than to be held by, and loved by him).

The me that I am now, has realized that my capacity to Love fully; with my whole heart, to give my all to the one I love, to pour love into and around them - is a beautiful gift. And though the person I chose to bestow that gift on ended up not wanting it, this does not mean it was wrong, or a waste of energy. Energy, Love, time, connection - is never wasted. It was and is beautiful. It continues to be beautiful (and hard, and painful, and overwhelming at times) and it is possible to hold both the beauty and pain of what was and continues to be - at the same time, in my heart.

The me I am now, holds onto and embraces softness in a world in which it is easier to harden.

In a world in which it is easier to become encased in a protective shield of cold stone; pushing away all empathy, compassion, and emotion (grief, loss, sadness, anger, remorse, guilt, shame); being unwilling to look at or truly feel the duality of being alive, unable to comprehend the reality that joy can only be felt if there is space for an experience of sadness, that love can only be felt when there is space made for grief. Instead, the me that I am now remains soft to the experience of emotions, receptive to connection (with others and the natural world), and open to Love.

Until the next time friends - may you be well. May you be at peace within yourself, and may there be peace around you. May you be safe, warm, and fed with nourishing food. May you have supportive friends and a community that sees and appreciates you for all you have to give and share with the world.

You can read my latest, a poem on grief and loss here, and the rest of my poetic musings can be absorbed here. Thanks for your time, attention, and care in reading this until the end - I appreciate you (yes, you ;).

xo,

Dev]

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