Connection gives purpose and meaning to our lives. It’s scientifically proven that we are neurologically set up that way. We “people watch,” watch movies, even browse our social media feeds just looking at our connections. Have you ever just scrolled mindlessly on your timeline? (Of course you have. It’s “entertaining.”) It’s no secret that we have designed scripts for ourselves and those around us. We know connecting goes hand-in-hand with the roles we are willing to play and how we judge others. However, our lives have become the Oscars year-round. Not everyone gets to audition, gets nominated or gives a winning performance in our lives. Well, not from my experiences anyway.
Introductions
If you’re like me, you’re sociable, charming, intelligent and hate writing bios about yourself. That “Hi, My Name Is…” sticker is the only thing that make things socially awkward for the introverts and sociably awkward people I meet. But when I write bios, I feel all the judgement I wouldn’t normally experience in person. I’m 120 days in to my social experiment and introductions have become something I wish I recorded every single time.
When making first impressions in person you decide all sorts of things about people in less than 5 seconds. Therefore, before words are even exchanged, you have already assessed if someone is:
- Trustworthy
- Adventurous or Dull
- Financially Stable (has earning potential)
- Successful
- Straight or LGBTQ
- Dominant
- Promiscuous
- Smart
- High-Status/Maintenance
These things create a tone for how we are received. If you’ve read this far, you have probably judged me on all of these things, (if not before reading this, after). Your mind is searching for all the things it would search for about me in person. It’s also noted that attractiveness and personality easily turns an already curious audience into a captive one.
Yes, It’s objectionably shallow but that’s only up to a point. Letting others determine the weight of our personal narratives is a very vulnerable feeling and risk. Mature adults have adapted to and anticipated this level of sharing. We all have a script or a certain amount of details we are willing to share about ourselves that we feel safe with. A “script” that says we are thought out enough, honest enough, and good enough. So we hide behind titles and merits subconsciously; “Hi, Ted Mercury, Regional Sales, Barclays.”
“Researcher-Storyteller,” Brené Brown recently had A TED Talk called “The Power Of Vulnerability” where she pointed out the universal difficulty and fear about being vulnerable. It’s shame. Shame is easily understood as the fear of disconnection. The main fear anyone can have while attempting to connect is that they would do the opposite.
The only people who don’t experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection.-- Brené Brown
Hidden Pitfalls
Last Summer I went to the Allied Media Conference in Detroit, Michigan and learned that, circumstantially, I was never intended to succeed. The session (led by Detroit Future Schools) was called “Humanizing Schooling.” Urban public school youth have a hard time learning because our brains have been wired to pick up on tensions. These tensions in classrooms can span from micro-aggression's to personal issues to lack of care within the classroom. The level of stress can be paralleled to children who experience PTSD in a post-war country. This traumatic level of sensitivity can become very distracting and may result in students having short attention span, poor grades or even lack of interest in pursuing higher education.
From a young age some of us are programmed to focus on winning the race while others are focused on overcoming the obstacles. For some of us, there is no finish line and we get credit just for showing up in spite of the difficulty. Down the line this can turn an equal opportunity into a very unequal and inequitable outcome. From the school yard to board rooms, we don’t treat people like people whenever connections are on the line.
“you’re only as good as your last pitch”
Writing this, I constantly procrastinated because I felt shame in sharing. I felt self-conscious of the things you might judge me on. I realized that my writing, tone, syntax, grammar and conclusion is all under review. I felt fearful that I’d lose your attention while reporting on a social experiment about caring and connecting beyond expectation. Going to that conference last year reminded me that conventional education is not what brought me this far. It was the experiences with people I met by chance along way. (Phew!)
Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, “I’m enough,” then we stop screaming and start listening, we’re kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves. — Brené Brown
Caring about what you think of me may not be a prerequisite to my success but giving you what is needed for my narrative is. American continental philosopher and gender theorist, Judith Butler, also supports the notion that our vulnerability is two-fold. Instead of it being something we become, it is something that we already are but consciously resist. Standing in our own way to avoid or numb the sensitivity. Falling in, instead of bridging, the gaps.
We are also made vulnerable to the symbolic systems which precede our coming into the world and structure how we act and identify with others and ourselves.
- Judith Butler “Survivability, Vulnerability and Affect.”
Elevator Pitches
In the past 120 days, I have had a love hate relationship with pitches. I hate them because answering the “why should I care?” means nothing if someone is lazy or not in a position to invest or bias. 30 seconds is conter-intuitive to human interaction but I understand why businesses use it. It does have it’s formulaic abilities. Pitches are just introductions to ideas. Does that mean every traditional idea had a hook, problem and solution said in 30 seconds or less? No. Nor does that mean every logical and easily understandable pitch ismoral, right, or fair.
I believe pitches are only as good as the people you share them with. I love reading those “successful people who were rejected” stories. Nothing was wrong with them or their pitch or idea. It’s just that the gatekeepers didn’t respect their vulnerability, didn't want to take a chance or were just out of touch. But a gatekeeper can’t stop you if you:
- Are absolutely passionate
- Have a vision and mission
- Are persistent and consistent in your commitment
- Are ahead of everyone else
I’m passionate about my experiment because I’ve seen what can happen when I actively get vulnerable with my social network. There is so much humility, community and human capital to gain. Changing passive online connections to fruitful real-time interactions is a positive move professionally and emotionally. Making a habit of exploring my weak ties has allowed me to reshape the perception of myself. I almost feel like I’m taking a PhD course, without the student debt…or the degree.
I once heard someone say “if you can’t measure it, it doesn't exist” but an old Chinese proverb says:
“the person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it”
We’ve become distracted and separated by race, gender, class, status, location, politics, language and education. Social media has desensitized us to build our egos instead of our communities and access to instant gratification has made simple effort a commodity. I just want to make digital connections, real connections. Do you ever wonder what connections are right under your nose? Or have we forgotten that it was social networks that built ancient Mesoamerica.
