Why People Won’t Change.
People are afraid to change and comfortable with discomfort.
Maybe I’m going through an anger stage in my therapy career, but I’m sick and tired of the reasons and excuses some clients use for not doing the work or even taking the small steps they could to feel better and improve their lives and relationships. A therapist should allow clients to reach their changes in their own time, meet them where they are, and have no judgment about when, whether, or how fast they improve, but that’s getting less easy.
Therapy is an interesting career for many reasons, but one thing I like about it is people usually come to see you because they want to. Sure, there is a handful who are dragged or forced in; some are court-ordered to be in therapy; I don’t see those. Occasionally, desperate friends, spouses, or family members drag in someone who is driving them nuts, which usually doesn’t go very well. Still, most people in therapy have an issue they want to sort out and make an effort to call and come in. You might think that someone who does that would be motivated to change, but that’s often not the case.
In therapy, motivation is everything. Back in the day, when I was miserable and suffering, experiencing depression and panic attacks, I couldn’t wait to get better. I was determined to experience positive change and would do whatever it took to get here. I wanted to know why romantic and family relationships were disastrous — was it them? Me? Both? I saw my therapist twice a week for two hours at a time, and it cost a small fortune. It changed my life and tweaked my interest in becoming a therapist, but I didn’t realize then how rare that is.
Going to therapy with the wrong mindset.
Sadly, only about 5 percent of people who go to therapy dedicate themselves to big changes and the hard work that will get them there. I find that some people don’t want to take a deep dive. Instead, they want to tiptoe into the baby pool and only put in the bare minimum effort. “Let’s not open Pandora’s box,” some say.
Many want to vent and complain to someone who has no skin in the game, won’t gossip about them, and has a caring and compassionate heart, while others are not there for themselves; they want me to fix their spouse, sibling, child, or parents. Although that’s fine, it’s not therapy and won’t result in significant shifts in thoughts or behaviors or heal the wounds they carry. People pay for a therapist’s time and can spend it how they want.
All of us come out of childhood with trauma and emotional disabilities. Others have genetic propensities for mood disorders or other mental or emotional issues in addition to that. These types of disorders are treatable, and still, most people wave off getting meaningful help. I sometimes think, “If I could just get them to see this great thing over here … something that would lift their burdens and empower them to do whatever they want, surely they will do it. But, you guessed it, they don’t.
Do-it-yourselfers.
Another strange phenomenon is that people think they know more about how to help themselves than a doctor or therapist would.
“I self-medicate with booze and pot,” I hear this a lot.
“I don’t believe in medications.” says the client. “Why not,” I ask, “Do you know some research that I don’t?”
“I got acupuncture.” Nice, I guess. So, if that was a success, why are you here?
“I know I ‘m always tired and should eat right and exercise, but I just don’t have time or desire.” How’s that working for ya?
Reasons people won’t do things that would make their lives better.
The National Institute of Health says one in five adults has a mental disorder and agrees that most people don’t get treated. (1) The reasons given are:
1. Fear. Not wanting to look weak and/or fear judgment. Some people think therapy is for “crazy” people. Also, many people have so little faith in themselves that they fear the unknown and change.
2. Doubt. Many people can’t imagine that talking to someone would have any impact. This is one I’ve heard a lot. A wife (usually) forces her husband to come in, and at some point, he may mention his surprise that there was so much benefit to therapy. I say, “Talk it up, tell your friends, you can influence people to make it acceptable.” One of my former clients is a firefighter and said his colleagues noticed he was changing, and teased him. “I told them, ‘I’m just trimming the fat!” he said. I loved that so much. He faced it head-on, truthfully and with humor.
3. Pride. Asking for help from someone else is difficult for some people, who may feel they should be able to figure it out independently.
4. Misinformation and ignorance. Not knowing what it is and not caring to find out.
5. Impatience. “I went a couple of times and it didn’t work.” I say, “It would have worked if you had worked.”
6. Cost. This is the only one that has merit. I find it shameful that mental health care is not readily available to all at a very low cost.
The type of therapy I do is educational and directive. I’m not the kind that usually lays back and only validates, empathizes, and handholds. I go for broke the first day. I tell clients, “I never know how many times I will see you, so I’m not wasting time, I’m going to tell you what I see and what I think you need to do once I get a feel for it.” My reasoning is that someone knowledgeable needs to tell them why their life isn’t working at least once, so at least they’ll know. Once I do that, they will either join me to get positive results or won’t.
Pia Mellody, author of “Facing Codependence,” gave her book that name because she saw that childhood trauma caused people to not take care of themselves. They will often live in their misery and terrible relationships their entire lives without taking action. One of my colleagues says about that, “A lot of people are comfortably uncomfortable.” He’s correct. Pia gave her book that title because when people start working toward recovering from their issues, it means they are facing them. Facing the things that aren’t working in your life and doing something about them is the definition of self-care, and it is what healthy people do.
Baby steps.
Roger had been my client in couples therapy with his wife for over six months, and he was making little progress.
“Roger,” I said, “Have you read the book I asked you to read.”
“No, but I will. I, uh, have been, uh, busy.”
“Have you been implementing the things we have talked about? Anything?”
“Oh, uh, I thought about it a few times, but then I forget.”
Roger’s wife, Sandy, rolls her eyes and pipes in, “Becky, he knows I’m frustrated, he knows I am at my wit’s end, he knows one of these days I am going to reach my end point and kick him out. And no, he doesn’t do anything we talk about.”
“Becky, I need to take baby steps, baby steps.”
And there you have it. One more client who has no intention whatsoever to do what it takes to change and improve himself or his marriage. That’s what the words “baby steps” mean to me, and I cringe whenever I hear them. People like Roger don’t intend to change but attempt to buy time from facing a fate they dread by making excuses. I told Roger six months was long enough to see how this venture was trending, and I couldn’t do any more to help his marriage, and they needed to find individual therapy if they were to do therapy at all.
“Becky, I would like to do that and stay with you,” said Sandy. “Roger, I think you can figure out what that means for us.”
Why do so many lack courage?
So much in life takes courage, and so few have it. One of my most shocking realizations as an adult and a therapist is how many people live in constant fear and live in a comfort zone they aren’t willing to venture away from. They live their lives thinking about what could have been but will never be. It will never be because they were unwilling to make themselves feel discomfort of any kind, so they won’t stick their necks out and take a chance on themselves. The difference between a success and a failure is that the successful person took a chance. They faced their discomfort and powered through it. The first baby step of life is punching through fear.
At some point in my life, I decided I didn’t want to have regrets and made that promise to myself. If I wanted something, I was going to at least attempt it. It’s funny how certain things we tell ourselves can fuel us to change everything and have what we want. I didn’t enjoy college or academics in my 20s. I had put in a half-assed effort and was an average student, and only went because of family pressure. Twenty years later, things were different.
Taking action on life’s little nudges to move forward.
I had recurrent dreams about going back to school and felt an unexplainable drive to go to graduate school to become a therapist, even though I wasn’t even sure I could get in. My first step when I decided to attempt to get in was to study the graduate school catalog and take a few undergraduate prerequisites I lacked. I hadn’t been to college in 20 years; computers had been invented since then, and things were very different. I told myself I’d hire a tutor if I needed to. Still, I got through those classes successfully, settled into the new era of education, and moved on to the next step, the graduate record examination, commonly known as the GRE, which is required to get into graduate school. I didn’t prepare or study; I just went and took it and told myself I’d take it again if I had to. Guess what? I did very well the first time. Now it was time to take bigger steps … apply to St. Mary’s University in San Antonio. What a difference it made that I wanted something badly and was now driven to succeed. In 2001, I was paying the tuition and doing it for myself, to make a dream come true. All of a sudden, I was a very good student.
That’s a story about pushing through doubts and fears and seeing if I could do it. If I couldn’t, at least I’d have no regrets. It has brought me joy beyond description. So now, when I see clients with hopes and dreams or a problem they live with that could be resolved with some time and effort, and they choose not to do it because of fear, doubt, or whatever obstacle it is, it’s painful for me. Such things are difficult to comprehend because I know what they are missing. The road less traveled, it appears, is the one of making great things happen in your life.
When I die, I hope to get an exit interview, and I will ask why so many people feel disempowered. Why are so many people afraid? I know from experience that childhood trauma does that to people, and in many ways, adults are scared little boys and girls doing life in adult bodies. The only way out of that is to do the work to grow yourself up. To do that, you have to have courage. It’s not that hard to make big things happen for yourself, but you have to be able to see the big picture and take action. Fear is never your friend.
(1)National Institute of Health Stats on why people won’t get the mental help they need.stics/mental-illness#:~:text=Mental%20illnesses%20are%20common%20in,(52.9%20million%20in%202020).
Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!
For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.
