Why I gave my days to other couples.
There’s always this great scene in Marvel comics or movies, when the hero is on top of the building or some other high place, overlooking the city below. Keeping it safe, never giving up, knowing that this was what he was meant to do, even when that’s not his primary choice.
I don’t consider myself a hero, and I never want to be one. I’m not a coward, either. I’m just a regular person who sometimes views the world differently, impacted by all the experience I’ve had. I might not have the city of Gotham to watch over, but it is here in a different way. My city of Gotham is called: romantic love.
I said romantic love, because there are different kinds of love out there, each of them valid in their own right, and I have quite a few of it, especially the love of my family and love of my friends. Those are the only loves I’ll ever need. So, back to business: romantic love.
There’s nothing more beautiful to me, than to observe two people who are starting to fall in love, or are already solidly in love for a while. All the signs are there: the comfort around each other, the giggles, the late night chats.* The list goes on and on, and it’s different for every couple.
I’ve been watching them for years and years, ever since I was a teenager. Some would grow and change together, some would go their separate ways when it became obvious that it just wasn’t working. In both cases, they had new experiences, and it made their lives richer. I’ve observed hundreds of them.
And then there’s me, Gotham’s protector. Always alone or, in my case, always single. Because someone has to look out for those people. Someone has to cheer them on, root for them when things aren’t going well, and sincerely hoping that they find that special person. I am someone who’ll listen to their adventures that a coupled life is bringing, and commiserate when there are problems.
Why the hell would I want to do that, you wonder? Why won’t I focus on getting my own relationship instead, and be happy as they are? The reason is very simple:
Because I don’t want them to go through the pain that I’m living with every single day. The pain that is overwhelming and deep, the pain that takes all the air out of my lungs.The pain of going to bed all alone and knowing that there isn’t a single person in this world who would look at me in that special way.
There are three types of people when it comes to attracting relationships:
a) There are people who just smile and light up the whole room. People are naturally drawn to them, they love hearing what they have to say, they’re great friends and partners.
b) There are people who struggle to find a partner. Sometimes it takes them a few years and a number of (pretty bad) dates, but then it happens, and then they are happy.
c) And then there are people like me. People who have so much love inside, love they want to share with their partner(s), but they never come. I’m not saying that it’s anyone’s fault that that happens. It just does. You meet someone, and there is sort of a connection, or a deeper one, but on a very friend-based level.
I used to think that the reason why I’m still single at 32 is that I had an additional head growing out of me, that only I couldn’t see. Now I know there’s no real reason behind it, other than I’m not a type of girl who good men want to date. I can love myself all I want, I can enjoy the look of my breasts or my nose or lips, but the opposite sex is just: “meh”. And to be perfectly honest, that’s ok. Life is too short to be with someone you genuinely don’t want to be with, for whatever reason.
I’ve learned that lesson the hard way when I politely asked a guy if he would allow me to kiss him on the lips. Hey, don’t judge me, I was 17 and desperate! The feeling wasn’t sensational because there were no emotions coming from his side because, you’ve guessed it, he didn’t like me. There were exactly two more kisses from two different men, each in the space of approximately 8 years. Both results were underwhelming, because I did my best to get myself wanted by them.
You can’t make anyone fall in love with you. You shouldn’t. You can’t force people to share experiences with you that they don’t willingly want to share. Again, you shouldn’t. Learn from my mistakes. So, if that’s not the way, what CAN you do?
There are two options:
a) you can keep going, living your life as you are, and hoping that tomorrow or some day soon you’ll meet that one person in the best possible way. I sincerely wish that for you. I don’t want you to wait any longer. I want you to meet and keep your partner(s) right now! And for the love of god, I don’t want you to settle just because you think it’s time or that you’ll never find somebody better.
b) you can give up. I don’t recommend this to anyone, but I understand if you’re tired of disappointments. Personally, that’s the road I’m taking, because I don’t want to spend another day hoping that things will change.
There have been far too many moments that made me realize I’ll never have anyone. One of them is that if anything was supposed to happen, it would have happened naturally. I would have met someone, there would have been mutual attraction and desire to get to know each other on a more intimate level. There would have been the desire to go on dates, to hold hands and hug. Basically, we would have been doing the date-y stuff. Stuff that real couples do.
But at 32 years of age, I must admit defeat and make friends with that pain that I’ve mentioned above. I’m never going to have anyone, so I might as well transform that pain into love towards my friends. I don’t want to waste the amount of love that I have within me. I want to use that love to make others happy. I want to cheer them on, be their support when they need it in whichever area of life they want me in.
I will never ask for love or gentleness or physical contact myself, because I’m used to being told: ‘no, you are not desirable/good enough/aesthetically pleasing enough’. And even if that isn’t the case, which would be nice, I will never overstep my boundaries. I’ll take what I can get. If I keep my desires muted, no disappointment can come out of it. I don’t want people to give me things because they pity me.
I’m going to close myself off from love, no matter how much my girl friends hate hearing it. Because I can’t go on hoping for a miracle that isn’t showing up. I’m too tired, too broken.
The fact that I’m giving up doesn’t mean that I’m incapable of being genuinely happy for others. How can I not be happy if they found someone they genuinely like?! How can I not be happy, when that’s exactly what I was desiring for so long!? I want them to be happy, because that means they will go to bed with a smile on their face, knowing that they are loved, and that the person they love is within their reach, even if only metaphorically. They know that their emotional and physical needs are met.
Besides, life is still filled with wonderful things and events, and it would be a shame missing out on it, just because I’ve said my goodbye to love.
Before I end this article, I will address one question that you could be wondering about, because that’s what my friends are wondering:
But why do you want to shut yourself off completely? Why not allow yourself to wait and live your life happily, and for love to come at a perfect timing?
Because perfect timing can mean having my first boyfriend at the age of 89, and not a moment sooner, despite all my actions. Because I am humiliated enough as it is, that in my day and age I wasn’t capable of finding a good man who equally liked me, who wanted me because of who I am. Who saw beyond my physical looks, who saw the core of me. Who thought, hey, there’s fire going inside of her, let’s see where it takes us. It didn’t have to last forever, of course, but it never happened.
And I highly doubt there is a man out there down the line, who’s willing to put up with the fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend. Who would even want to be with someone like that? Someone so flawed?
What’s even worse, if they end up wanting me many years down the line, I would not be their first choice, but rather someone that is left after all their other prospects are gone; and I don’t want to be someone’s “just that I don’t end up all alone when I’m old” choice. I’d rather shut down completely than be someone’s choice that they didn’t even want in the first place, but will settle for.
Instead, I will live my life as happily as I can, surrounded by my friends and investing more time in my career. Who says that life without romance isn’t worth living?
There’s a great scene in Dr. Who, where Amy Pond, Doctor’s companion, says:
“Tell young Amy that I’m giving her my days. The days to come. The days with you. The days I could have had.”
And so do I. I’m giving my days that I wanted to spend with someone I love — to others. Hopefully they’ll have the luck I never got. Meanwhile, I’ll be Batman, looking over Gotham.
*These are also the signs that you have found friends you feel completely comfortable with, which is also very important.
