How I Used Dating Apps to Find Companionship as an International Teacher — Black Edition (7/9)

When undertaking international roles, companionship is often wanted if travelling single, what are some ways to navigate this aspect of your journey safely?

Before we begin, if you are looking for a community of teachers in preparation for an international role, or are interested in connecting with those who are, please join our LinkedIn community to support teachers investigating their next opportunity: BAME International Teachers Support Network (Free Resources).

Now in all of my experiences at international schools, I was in a relationship with my now wife. Thus, you may be surprised to hear that dating apps were central to my experience, let me explain how.

1. Dating Apps

When seeking other international workers and connections beyond my workplace my first stop was dating apps.

I wanted a quick and easy way to find people who weren’t in my immediate social group, who spoke English and people who were local rather than just other international workers. Though searching purely for social intent, I used TanTan (the most popular local app) and Tinder (commonly used by English speakers globally) while in China.

Responses came through fast at first, but most turned out to be sex workers after two or three messages. Then there were the ones which seemed promising but slowly showed that these people were looking for romantic or sexual link ups and that simply was not what I was looking for.

The other side that I was not familiar with from my experiences with dating apps in London was people using coarse language and reductive sexual advances. As a man, this was completely unknown territory and helped me to gain a lot of empathy. The frequency with which I was reduced to strangers’ perceptions of my genitals or the sexually prolific stereotypes of people who look like me was jarring. People sometimes attempted to match simply to make a racist comment and then block — it was not going well.

So I did what I could and updated my profile:

• I explicitly stated my relationship status and desire for friends and social groups in my description
• I triple checked my filters and visibility (low distances and narrow age ranges are the way to go, also look at the visibility filters on the app)
• I chose the most friendly, smile-focused, unambiguous photos possible for my profile
• I did a deep dive on accounts, often seeing if I can cross reference on other social apps before accepting or engaging with messages

Now, this wasn’t a perfect filter, but I started connecting with local people who spoke English and were interested in meeting ‘Western’ people. Often this was to practice English, and at times it was to find people who engaged with Western music, art, or other activities. This was great and helped me find activities I enjoyed through people familiar with the area and could read the ads!

Having found the people I needed, it was time to take on the next challenge.

2. Meeting Up

Now before I go deeper into the story, safety comes first. I had a lot of hesitancy in meeting people for the first time. On top of the global and universal dangers of dating apps, I was in another country and vulnerable as a basic state of being.

I did not want to experience the horror stories shared within the black community about interracial dating based on experiences in the 1980s and later. Though stories which hit the media are few and far between, such as here, BAME men will be aware of the risk of local men taking offence to seeing you with a local woman — I wanted to focus on positive engagement with progressive people.

I raised my confidence by building rich and regular conversations with people before meeting up. We had to speak regularly for a week or two before even considering meeting. When you’re genuinely engaged in learning about each other it becomes apparent quickly, and innocuous questions about interests can reveal a lot. If nothing else, having to either literally translate some messages or interpret the person's kind attempt to use English with you can draw out the conversation a little. There is a lot of fun to be had trying to use each other’s languages.

This sets a great foundation before meeting and leads to the final checks before that meeting. Always:

• Have a safe and planned route there and back with clear timing
• Travel with a friend or at the very least have people who know that you are out, especially if you are staying out
• Try to focus on areas that you have some familiarity with or are frequented by foreigners

The same advice that applies to any safe dating applies twice to attempting companionship or something more short-term when abroad.

Following these safety steps should help to protect you.

3. Successes

I recall one of my first meetings with someone I met on TanTan at a popular hip-hop club in Chongqing. Getting a Didi (Uber equivalent in China) there, taking pictures of my surroundings, and being glad for the busy environment where foreigners were an expected sight.

The lady I met became a good friend for the duration of my time in China and became a gateway to other social opportunities. The setting was perfect, the evening was great, and it was the start of a foundational relationship for my experience in the city.

This was one of several meetings with local people and also with other international workers. An American lady who became my travel buddy was met via Tinder, and we spent the best part of a year travelling to different parts of China together on weekend trips etc. She was not connected to my school and was not connected to any distinct expat communities and it was great.

Whether socially or romantically, finding connections outside of your ‘bubble’ is both important and prevents you from creating drama in your foundational community.

Dating apps present a lot of potential and a lot of convenience and I firmly recommend them. Remember to be safe and ensure that you are confident in who you are communicating with long before you make any plans to meet.

4. Comparative Success

Though I speak of success, if I were to consider the experiences of many of my colleagues, the number of connections and potential relationships would seem paltry.

My white colleagues, especially those in their twenties or the taller men irrespective of age, had the locals fawning over them. I quickly learned that much of this is idolatry and globally dominant concepts of beauty rather than anything deeper. It is easy to be jealous of it, but a critical eye will help you to focus on what you are able to build around you. There is no value in surface-level comparisons and nothing to gain from setting your expectations on the experiences of those people.

Locals may be reluctant to approach a BAME person publicly for anything more than playful or shallow interactions. Don’t let this inform the value you have for yourself, keep meeting people safely and understand what you are looking for and what you expect.

Time is also a wonderful thing, as you become familiar with the people around you and the culture, you may be able to form relationships more successfully and find the right people more easily.

Keep your mind open, be confident and always be yourself. I can’t recommend travelling with the expectation that you will be living like Casanova and have exciting dates every month, but I do recommend avoiding pessimism or internalising any local concepts that may perceive you as unattractive socially or romantically.

Your beauty and romantic worth are not premised on the opinions of the people around you. It starts with your concept of yourself. From there, it is all a case of opportunities for more to develop.

Best of luck to you singles out there travelling — make friends first, then who knows what may grow from there.

TLDR:

• Dating apps used with appropriate settings are the easiest way to start a search outside of your workplace or any community that you are a part of.
• Creating a collection of friends and acquaintances is the best starting point from which more may develop.
• Finding companions, whether for travel or romance, can be more challenging for BAME teachers in many parts of the world due to colourism, local/national attitudes towards immigrants, minorities, darker-skinned people, and interracial relationships.
• Always be safe, and aware of some of the risks specific to the country you are in whether due to racism or sex work leading to challenging situations.
• The experiences of white colleagues are not the benchmark from which to cast your expectations.
• Always remember that your experience with these apps is never a reflection of your intrinsic beauty or value as a person.

Have you found a school that you are excited to apply to? How and why did you select it? Do you have any concerns about the process or any potential barriers? Feel free to share your stories with me here on Twitter @dsinclair17 or here on LinkedIn.

Check out the articles below to find out more about how to get the best from your international teaching experience!

· Abstract

1. Introduction: My Perspective on Teaching Internationally — Black Edition

2. Introduction: Why You Should Teach Internationally — Black Edition

3. How to Secure an International Teaching Job — Black Edition

4. Safety Checks: How to Research the Locale of your International Teaching Opportunity — Black Edition

5. Three Reasons Why International Teachers Quit and How to Buck the Trend — Black Edition

6. Navigating the Expat Community as an International Teacher — Black Edition

7. How I Used Dating Apps to Find Companionship as an International Teacher — Black Edition

8. For the Money or for the Experience? The Moral Dilemma of International Teaching — Black Edition

9. International Teaching; It’s Okay to Say No — Black Edition