From Stranger to Teammate
On Respecting Teens
If you’re raising a teen, you’re journeying across a vast and variable terrain. My memories of being a teen hold two polarities: moments of clear connection with my parents, “Yes, you can have the party here, and all your friends can hang out here with us” and deep divide (the sound of fast footsteps punitively chasing me up the stairs after being caught smoking weed, again). If we’re lucky, we carry several snapshots of times during our teens when we felt seen and heard; and all of us, no matter our background, also hold glimpses of times we felt completely, irrevocably disrespected and alone.
If I had to point to one teaching that’s made our household into a place of patient listening, it’s the prioritization of mutual respect. And in my humble observation, the primary source of that household-wide respect is me. And the way to offer that respect naturally is by being consistent with my own meditation practice. How do I know this?
Before I took my meditation seriously, there were an array of tensions throughout this house. In hindsight I see my own selfishness, insecurity and temper. When I began devoting one to to two hours to zazen daily, it all shifted.
I’ve stopped taking everything so personally, so seriously. Apologies come more readily. This practice of panoramic, non-judgmental, inclusive, receptive attention stabilizes my mind, keeps me aware of present reality instead of lingering in the past or the future, all of which helps me hear my people more clearly.
Practice helps me be a better mother, partner, friend and daughter. So what does this mean to you and your teenager? While I want to “suggest” meditation, I know from my own experience that you’ll have to come to it on your own time. Just know this: it works to keep me from separating myself, blaming others or unnecessarily complicating things, especially with my teenaged son.
There are other resources worth mentioning. Wendy Mogel, in her brilliant book Voice Lessons for Parents (New York, NY: Scribner Publishing, 2018) taught me to treat my own kid like a visiting exchange student. Released when my son was 12 years old, her book was a much-needed life raft.
Oh, there he is, that guy visiting from the faraway land in the room down the hall, making a bit of a mess, doing his best to keep the noise down unsuccessfully, being a bit snippy with me. Upon reading Mogel’s words, I realized: if he were someone else’s kid, I’d have much more space and patience for him.
Offering him respect the way I’d offer it to someone else’s kid changed everything. Remember that Psych 101 lesson on how we humans behave differently when we know we’re being watched versus when we think we’re solo, unobserved?
In seeing him as someone else’s kid, suddenly I can see the whole universe in him, his humanness, his individuality, his freedom. And I can also see my role in helping him value those aspects of himself.
In the Perceptive Parenting course, we discuss the Taoist teaching of offering respect even in the face of disrespect. Even when we are disrespected, can we elevate the space between us by offering more respect?
There were times when my kid would really go off on me: even then, I practiced offering him respect, even kindness, especially when he couldn’t find it within himself to offer it to me. I managed to get that right about 85% of the time. It helped us both immeasurably.
Much has shifted; he’s now 16 and we have a deeply respectful energy between us. Together we’ve re-patterned generations of dense energy and tension, creating a feeling of mutuality in our home. We are mindful of one another. We have clear communications, easy apologies and shared responsibilities. And it’s my practice that helps me remember to keep us in communication, by letting go of taking things personally, by remembering that I’m just here to help, in any small way, usher this human to adulthood. He will become who he is, with or without me, so why bother separating myself and taking things personally?
If we continue to fill our shared spaces with blame, shame and complexity right here at home, where our kids should feel most safe and seen, how will they ever be able to see themselves clearly?
But if we stabilize our minds with our practices, stay calm in the face of disrespect and simply reflect their behavior back to them quietly, they will see more clearly what and whom they wish to become.
Respecting teens is an art form, one that we cannot force: we must allow respect to emerge from within our own cells, offer it directly to them, and be patient with them as they learn to mirror that respect back to us.
Now instead of a stranger, I have a teammate.
Thank you for joining me for this four-part series on parenting; a long time in the making, straight from my heart.
Click here for Part I, Part II and Part III of the series. And the Perceptive Parenting course is now open. It’s my honor to serve you and your family.
