Get drunk at a bar, lock yourself in the bathroom, and start tweeting.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash.

Call a family meeting and announce that you will no longer be performing heterosexuality while kicking crumbs on the kitchen floor.

Force your therapist to do it for you. When they refuse, find a self-taught TikTok therapist with questionable ethics to do it instead.

Streak across the field in a rainbow speedo during the Super Bowl and hope your father figures it out before they cut to a Budweiser commercial.

Gush incessantly about King Princess to your friends until one of them looks her up.

Invite your close friends and family to a gender reveal party. They hate gender reveal…

You Really Think Your 15% Tip Will Save You?

A crew member cleaning up before you decided to walk in, rendering his work useless. (Photo by Zhanjiang Chen on Unsplash.)

So you’ve decided to either blatantly ignore the restaurant’s hours OR you’ve deemed the vanishing window of opportunity as an open invitation to request full-service dining. You thought you’d make it out alive?

Here are the six ways you might, although this is really inevitable, be murdered:

  1. Right off the bat, the server guides you to your table, which is now inexplicably in the alley behind the restaurant. From the kitchen phone, the server calmly tells his uncle in the Mafia that he’ll be late for Grandma’s dinner because a schmuck just showed up right before close and has already…


Alexa, play…

A woman with headphones stares out into a city skyline.
A woman with headphones stares out into a city skyline.
Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash.
  1. Vance Joy — “Fire and the Flood”

In high school, I listened to this song and thought about my boyfriend on the JV baseball team. But now he retweets Donald Trump and I suffer from a lack of physical contact. As such, the message of the song has changed. When wildfires rage in California and hurricanes devour the Sunshine State, this sweet melody is sure to strike a chord.

2. Snow Patrol — “Chasing Cars”

Does your climate change anxiety force you to lay on the floor for hours, thinking about nothing but the inevitable demise of the animal, plant…

But find little sympathy during Cold War anti-intellectualism

Cartoon depicting McCarthyism by Arthur Szyk (1949), courtesy of the Arthur Szyk Society, Wikimedia Commons.

Alfred Whitney Griswold, President of Yale University, published “Loyalty: An Issue of Academic Freedom” in the New York Times close to the inception of a battle between university educators and members of Congress over the disclaimer affidavit and loyalty oath required for student loans under the National Defense Education Act of 1958 (NDEA). The disclaimer affidavit required the signee to swear that:

“I do not believe in, and am not a member of and do not support any organization that believes in or teaches the overthrow of the United States Government by…

Could You Be the Answer to My Pandemic Prayers?

(Not a Costco.) Photo by Vlad on Unsplash

It was 7:30 a.m., the social peak of Costco’s Senior Shopping hours, when our eyes met across the crates of Organic Gala Apples. I had lost all hope for the world, and specifically for my dismal dating life, but could you be the answer to my pandemic prayers?

You wore the most elegant, cheetah-print face mask that clashed quite exceptionally with the floral Vera Bradley purse slung across your shoulder. You could have been a Chico’s model, the way your breezy, blue capris showed off the perfect amount of shin.

Compared to you, I looked like a poor man’s Mister Rogers. My soft red cardigan couldn’t hide the quarantine weight and my New Balances have been through their fair share of Silver Sneakers classes. …

If you had your life wouldn’t be falling apart

Photo by Siyuan on Unsplash

I’ve been a generous and thoughtful friend. From remembering birthdays to relentlessly liking your Instagram posts to sending you all the best Arbonne skin-care coupons, I believe my status as a “good friend” has been proven. True, I’ve never gotten much thanks for my exceptional friendship, I didn’t mind, because friendship is about forgiving our other friend’s faults.

But you’ve finally pushed me past the breaking point by not reading the book I gave you last Christmas that would have improved your life. And, more importantly, our relationship.

That copy of The Power of Positive Thinking was meant to help…

Ellyn Mendenhall

Known mainly for wearing turtlenecks in July.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store