Boris Is a Johnson and That’s a Problem
Boris Johnson the UK’s former prime minister who was ousted from the role by his supporters after multiple scandals, faced the Commons privileges committee this week.
He was questioned by the committee about whether he deliberately lied to parliament about breaking strict lockdown rules during Covid, rules that he expected the rest of the country to follow.
He did lie and lied deliberately, but we’re not allowed to say that part out loud apparently. The committee is currently deliberating after his testy testimony and we’re awaiting their verdict.
In the meantime, I thought I’d pen an ode to The Johnson. I have also added a helpful glossary at the end for those who may not follow UK politics. Enjoy!
Boris de Pfeffel Johnson
I understand your plight
the privileges committee proved
you couldn’t tell wrong from right.
…..
Did you lie to parliament
about breaking all the rules
and was lockdown more like Lucknow
with your boozy leaving do’s?
…..
Perhaps it would be better
if you tried a new defence
like: I knew the rules were broken
better that, than being bent.
…..
You seemed to get quite angry
when they held you to account
and your t’wasn’t me guvnor stories
made things worse without a doubt.
…..
I understand you Boris
I get your narcissistic games
when all else fails deny, project
and never take the blame.
…..
It’s worked for you this lifetime
and got you to the top
the best job in the country
served you well, and then did not.
…..
But now you face the consequence
for lying to the House
denying you were partying
with Abba music blaring out.
…..
Of course, you social-distanced
your two-centimetre rule
you're a whiz at lies and Latin
you shouldn’t need to do maths too.
…..
This privileged committee
should be bowing at your feet
not threatening to depose you
from your parliamentary seat.
…..
I can see you spouting bravely
in your Chequered country pile
Just holding court with Carrie
blaming Cummings and his lies.
…..
No more need to worry
you’ve got Dorries on your side
and we know she’s got a platform
Talk TV has Fox’s style.
…..
So hang on in there Boris
coz Covid’s come and gone
though those deaths in the hundred thousands
are your legacy undone.
…..
You might just be a legend
though only the lettered kind
you could do some real soul-searching
but legend says your soul has died.
…..
Why not take some time away
to reflect and re-strategise
perhaps just leave the country
find somewhere better to reside?
…..
That way at least you’ll hear some cheers
not for reasons to give you hope
for a narcissist cheers however they come
are always a welcome trope.
…..
I bid you farewell, Boris
you’re a Johnson through and through
just like your father Stanley
Colloquialisms tell the truth.
Glossary:
Johnson — a British slang term for the male member
Chequered — refers to Chequers the country house available to current British Prime Ministers
Carrie — Johnson’s current wife, his third overall
Cummings — Dominic Cummings, Johnson’s former friend, now arch nemesis
Dorries — Nadine Dorries, sycophantic and bewitched Johnson supporter and Talk TV host
Stanley — Johnson’s father and also a slang term for an amoral narcissist
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