Zõmbïē Sølö
4 min readMay 26, 2016

A letter to a guy, who would never reply.

I can see the future.

We're in Durango, at the Navajo again. You've got your hook in the water, trying to catch those ever elusive fish. I'm laughing when you reel in a giant seaweed again. Guess we're having seaweed for dinner!

I've got my shoes off because I like how the cold water feels on my skin. It sends shivers through me as I watch you perch on the rock you're standing on. You always remind me of a kitty cat, ready to pounce.

Back at our tent, we eat sandwiches by the fire and roast way too many marshmallows. Buddy loves it outside. We brought the line so he could roam around by us. And you feed him too many sweets.

I see me flustered because I want you to help me pick out the menu for our wedding but you keep getting distracted by Black Ops 6. When you die I grab my controller and we go another round, trading ideas of what foods would be best as we blast away a few zombie skulls. We decide on BBQ!

Remind me not to wear a white wedding dress.

You're up by the priest, and wow, you look so handsome in your tuxedo. You're wearing that smile, the one I fell in love with, and you're smiling at me. My heart is full of JOY. I want to cry but I don't wanna ruin my makeup. I know they're happy tears but I worked hard to look good!

My vows to you will be long and drawn out, because everything I write is, but you’ll listen and love every word. I’ll hear yours and glue the sounds to my soul to never forget. When we finally say our I do’s, and kiss to seal the deal, I’m crying and smiling all at once. Finally I’m yours forever.

We’re at our new place, setting up the work space. One side of the studio for ceramics, and one side for writing. We work together daily, helping each other where it’s needed. You help me find the right words for my second novel. I’ll hold up the plate while you spray it with a bright yellow. Together, we create. We thrive.

We made love and made it again. You can’t get enough of me and I of you. When you see the pregnancy test and the smile, you know. And we’re more excited than we’ve ever been. We’re having a baby! What should we name her? Him? Don’t say anything French! (Like Pierre!)

Camping while pregnant is great! And you are so amazing to me. You catch more seaweed but this time you catch fish! My expert camper man guts them and grills them up for his woman. After we eat, we lay under the stars and you rub my stomach, feeling the baby kicks.

We have to take a break from the set of plates we're making to fill an order when my water breaks. All over my nice writing chair. Dang. Despite this, you grab the "emergency bag" and hustle me out the door. You're more frazzled then I am, and I try not to giggle.

It's baby's first birthday!! I'm throwing the biggest party for her, inviting all our friends and guess what we're having for dinner? BBQ! Don't worry, I bought bibs. Our daughter can't stop laughing when Dad throws on a monkey suit and skitters around. You were always good at making us laugh!

I can see so far into our future and all the things I know we can achieve when we work together. The possibilities are endless for us. Peace is not far off. I do a little more every day to improve myself. You'll see. Once I set my mind to something, I do it. I just have to find a stride.

I love you and I don't doubt you love me. I know you do. You do so much for me every day that I take for granted. You deserve better then how I treat you some days. I regret all the times I hurt you, and yet I do it again. Like a broken record stuck on repeat. But I'm done doing that. I really am. I'm taking a stand against my mind, my ego and my negative thoughts.

I know you can't see the progress I've made because it's all upstairs, in my head. I have to fix my thoughts before I fix my reactions. I'm so close, babe. My mind is clearer more often, mostly when I'm alone.

I know what the problem is now. I know 100% thanks to you and all the thinking and questioning I've been doing lately. I would have never been able to get this far without you. You're my rock. I know you say you don't want to help me your whole life. You won't have to forever. Just be patient a little longer. I'm doing all of this for you, for us and especially for myself.

I love you. I want to spend all of my futures with you. Good, bad, and everything else. I want to be yours and I want to discover ourselves together. I know we can do it.

I wonder if you even read it?

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Zõmbïē Sølö

Sarah || Writing to save myself. Writing to find myself || (handle: esotericmind)