Do you mean Values, or do you mean Morals?

In my last (and first) entry here on Medium, one of the things I touched on was how I now live life values-aligned. However I didn’t have the opportunity then to dig a little deeper into this concept. I did mention alignment, but not enough more specifically about values.

For many of us when we’re looking for a partner for example, one of the most common pieces of advice we receive is to make sure our values align. What I’ve discovered however is that when we say “values”, particularly in the Nigerian context, what we’re typically referring to is morals. There is sometimes an overlap between the two to be sure, however in this context, highlighting the distinction is even more important.

Two people can share certain moral values (n.) such as honesty and integrity, where morals are defined as principles of right and wrong. However they can still ultimately value (v.) different things.

For instance let’s say Ade values frugality and saving aggressively while Gozie, though prudent, greatly values travel and exploration. When these two come to the table, Ade may see a holiday in a new country or city as a frivolous expense and a waste of money, while Gozie views this as an absolutely essential part of experiencing the fullness of life.

Neither Ade nor Gozie is right or wrong (this is not a moral dilemma), however they are completely out of sync when it comes to what they value and prioritise in life. This doesn’t necessarily mean incompatibility, but it does mean that each party needs to be clear for themselves on what their unique values are and where they are willing or unwilling to compromise.

Identifying your unique values is essential and can mean the difference between making good decisions for yourself versus catastrophic ones.

I believe our values can be grouped into two distinct categories; Innate Values and Acquired Values.

When we enter this world there is an essence to who we each are that remains at the nucleus of our being. These are aspects of our character that — barring extreme abuse or trauma — are near impossible to suppress. This is where you’ll find your Innate Values.

One of my Innate Values is Curiosity. My mum tells me stories of how inquisitive I was from a very young age and absolutely nothing has changed in the 30+ years since! I value learning and new perspectives endlessly and so following the many paths of my curiosity is an inherent part of who I am. This is why I so often have epiphanies (much to my husband’s amusement), and also find myself with my hands in so many different pies at any given point in time. I want to know, understand and analyse almost everything because Curiosity is one of my highest values.

As we journey through life however, by nurture and through our experiences, we acquire certain values along the way that are worth examining as we mature. These are our Acquired Values and these can be further broken down into Imposed Acquired Values and Aligned Acquired Values

Imposed Acquired Values are those we carry and enforce upon ourselves but that consciously or subconsciously do not feel comfortable and can be a source of anxiety or discomfort. For example, if you were raised in a very strict household where you had very limited autonomy you may find that you “value” extreme caution in all your dealings which to some extent might be a good thing, but more than likely might also be quite restricting, preventing you from taking more risks in life. You may find that this rigidity is a value you have acquired, but because it feels uncomfortable and limiting, might fall under the “imposed” category.

On the other hand, you may find that you have great admiration and perhaps even envy towards people who take more bold risks and go after numerous opportunities unencumbered and as such come to realise that something you in fact value is adventure and stepping out of your comfort zone without the hesitation that comes with self-questioning or a feeling of guilt. Therefore “being adventurous” is an Aligned Acquired Value in which you feel more comfortable and true even though it’s not the default you were raised with or that was so innate that it could not be suppressed.

Our optimal state is where we primarily function in line with our Innate and Aligned Acquired Values and this can help ease and simplify decision-making as we move through the world. When opportunities present themselves you can ask yourself “Does this align with my values?” and now really know what you mean when you ask this question.

Here’s a little activity for you. Write those 3 headings…

• Innate Values
• Imposed Acquired Values
• Aligned Acquired Values

… and make an extensive list of everything you can think of. Ponder deeply on each one and pay attention to how you feel in your gut and throughout your body as you meditate on them. Go back to it often and add or eliminate as needed until you look at each list and feel everything is in its right place.

Here are some examples of values my therapist once shared with me which you can explore, but in reality this list is almost infinite so please do not feel restricted by these! You can complete this sentence — “I value being…” with any of the words below that resonate with you as well as any others that come to mind. Just make sure you’re constantly checking how you feel in your body as you complete the sentence and whether the values you’re selecting are really true to you.

• Accepting
• Adventurous
• Authentic
• Caring
• Compassionate
• Courageous
• Creative
• Fair / Just
• Flexible
• Friendly
• Forgiving
• Helpful
• Honest
• Independent
• Industrious
• Loyal
• Organised
• Persistent
• Playful
• Responsible
• Skilful
• Supportive

I’d love to know how you get on with this so please feel free to share with me in the comments or in a private message.

See you next week!

F

PS. A great book on the topic is The Values Factor by Dr. John DeMartini