This was the conversation that marked the start of my boy escapades. PS’ chat box became a psuedo-diary. He got every raw emotion, good and bad, nice and mean, stupid and thoughtful — I didn’t feel the need to hold back with PS. The devil doesn’t judge.
(Sunday, January 5, 2014)
Felicia: o yea, so I broke it off with X
no ultrasound announcement
PS was expecting an ultrasound announcement of my engagement to X via facebook, we both thought that it’d be more amusing than the usual postcard, email, or status update.
PS: =/ sorry to hear…you ok?
Felicia: yea I think I am now, it’s been almost a month now
I kinda hope that he’d still come back, you know and put a ring on it, but I doubt he will
Seriously, I wasn’t ok yet. Obviously. But, X and I had been together for 4 years, with the last 6 months in an odd sort of struggle keeping us in a relationship purgatory. That last year, we lived together in a townhome he bought; we decorated that sucker together. Blood, sweat and tears were invested into our home…and in our relationship. We were in love enough to talk about the future, the children, and of course, the ring. At the end, I thought I was ok because the purgatory-state faked me out. Living with him while getting over him? Hah. Stupid. Looking back, I know that there’s no way I was ok. I probably wasn’t ok for the majority of the next 5 short term “relationships” I entered into. Hence, PS’ annoyed lecture on taking a boy break (see prior post).
To me, it was an epic love. He spoiled me rotten, the conversations were intriguing, and we belly laughed on a regular basis, too. He was witty, smart, and charming. I was totally ready to marry him. Looking back, it doesn’t matter why it didn’t work. It just didn’t. And all those hopes, dreams, and future life that we imagined together — it just didn’t happen. And a month was NOT enough to be ok. I was devestated, but the purgatory-state had me all out of tears, all cried out already. I didn’t really know how to go about the healing process — especially since I still held onto the hope that he’d come back.
PS: are you going to think about waiting for him in this kinda pseudo-limbo state?
Felicia: I was subconsciously doing that but, I think I’ll find a rebound now x_x
I was thinking…wtf did I spend my time doing before [the last time I was single] and I realized I had a pseudo rebound in surfer
PS: hahahah, surfer…?
Felicia: yea just spent a lot of time with him
PS: oh ok…yeah, rebounds are an essential part of healing!
Felicia: yea I think I’m ready for that, you think online dating site rebound will work?
PS: absolutely, but proceed with caution of course…from what I hear, girls get deluged with messages, the trick is then figuring out who’s psycho and who’s not, though if you’re looking for rebound and not long-term material then the bar is probably lower…
Rewind a bit more. I’m a serial monogamist. Since the age of 15, I hadn’t been single for longer than about 10 months. There was just one Valentine’s Day in 15 years, at that point, in which I did not have a significant other. So this being single thing was foreign, oceans away foreign. So, being single, not actually being “ok,” and venturing into the online scene for a rebound — not the smartest move.
I still intended on living life in a respectful, giving, and thoughtful way even while going about this rebound project…but I couldn’t. I was broken on the inside in some way I couldn’t recognize let alone articulate. Broken…I unknowingly took a few dating casualties down with me in the year to come. Stupidity is definitely easier to spot in retrospect.
