Simple in concept, big on impact.
We’ve all spent time in a group of people, whether it’s a church group, an off-site team-building event, or a Karaoke birthday party at a hole-in-the-wall restaurant in Chinatown. Hopefully, they’ve been expertly planned experiences and you’ve walked away sore from laughing and with a couple of new friends. But there will always be events and gatherings that have felt awkward and we’ve regretted not staying home and continuing to binge-watch Marie Kondo in our PJs.
Most of those awkward gatherings are thankfully avoidable from an event-planning standpoint (although there’s nothing we can do about your tone-deaf friend butchering Adele. Sorry.) And with 59% of US. churchgoers saying they participated in or led a church small group in 2020, making sure your small group is one of the successful ones, not the awkward one, is imperative to your church’s retention and growth.
We sat down with a few friends who have mastered the small group and wrote an article on things to do when starting a small group. Here we’re sharing the other side; the things NOT to do when building small groups. Hold on to your hats, this is a no-holds-barred article.
Avoid: Trying to be someone or something you’re not
In the wise words of Hannah Montana, “Everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days,”. It’s easy to get a big head when put in a leadership position and think that you know everything that it takes to be a great leader and run the perfect small group. But at the end of the day, nobody’s perfect, so don’t try to be perfect. Chances are, tying to achieve that “perfection badge” will honestly stress you out even more than those perceived imperfections would.
Regardless if you’re starting your church’s first small group, or are a small group veteran, you’re not going to be able to lead the “perfect” small group no matter how hard you try. There are going to be days when only two people show up, and days when too many people show up and you feel overwhelmed. People are going to make lasting friendships and others are going to fall out with each other.
If you hold yourself to the impossible standard to lead a perfect small group, you’re going to be frustrated, and that frustration is going to leak out and your members are going to subconsciously feel that, leading to making your small group feel awkward and you frustrated, which can spiral into a cycle of tension.
You need to have grace for yourself and your teammates and allow everyone (your members included) to be human, imperfections and all. Most often some of life’s biggest blessings and lessons stem from imperfections and things that frustrate us.
Additionally, don’t feel the need to have all the answers. Many of us have experienced the urge to immediately jump in and share our wise and sage advice. But waiting is often the best thing. Take some of the pressure to be the wise-all-knowing leader off of yourself and lean on the other members of your small group. As we’ve often seen in the Bible, wisdom can often come from unexpected places and people. Often, they’ll have wisdom that you don’t, gained from their unique life experiences. This is why it’s important to have a diverse small group.
Being comfortable is overrated. Don’t allow your idea of what the ideal small group is prevent you from creating a space for variety and diversity. People aren’t carbon copies of each other. Let in the misfit, even if it’s uncomfortable–after all, we’re all misfits.
Avoid: Inflexibility; An unwillingness to adapt or divide into smaller groups
Your small group will grow in size (ideally), and your members will inevitably grow and change as people over the years. An inability or unwillingness to adapt throughout the growth is just as detrimental as continuing to feed your toddler a diet solely consisting of milk when they should have moved on to solid foods (see what I did there? #BibleReference).
One of the instrumental people to have on your leadership team is the planner (for more on the types of people you need to lead a small group, see our article A Small Group Toolbox). The planner is someone who can set and stick to an agenda, but knowing how and when to be flexible is important.
There’s a difference between gently urging your members to transition from catching up with each other to the scheduled Bible study, and cutting someone off because you’re determined to have the discussion end at 8:15 so closing prayer ends at 8:25 and everyone’s out the door by 8:35 on the dot. Be flexible. Know when it’s appropriate to abandon the plan and when you should gently steer them back on track.
We talked about what the ideal size for a small group was in our article Three Things To Help Make Your Small Group Actually Work. At some point, you’ll be faced with the question of how big is too big and whether to break your small group into even smaller groups. While the last small group meeting before dividing will inevitably be a bittersweet one, dividing is ultimately a great opportunity to equip and raise up people who showed leadership potential into small group leaders. It’s also an apt excuse to throw a small party with plenty of cake and champagne or sparkling cider.
In order to best serve your small group, you need to be able to change, whether it’s content, the schedule of the meeting, or even breaking into smaller groups. Don’t be a small-group-Luddite. Embrace the change.
Avoid: Forcing (or even expecting) people to change
The last thing to avoid is the need to see people change. Don’t get me wrong, the desire to see people (including ourselves) grow and change is good. Change and growth is good. We should echo the apostles’ ask of the Lord to increase their faith (Luke 17:5). However, the important thing to remember is that they’re asking the Lord to increase their faith.
We’re here to love each other, live excellently, and support one another where we can. Our lives should inspire others and that is the witness and testimony by which the grace of God is revealed.
Small groups can provide places for conversation, community, and deeper study, but ultimately change is God’s job. If you measure the success of your small group on people changing, you’re going to be disappointed and chances are, you’re going to subconsciously put pressure on your members which can actually stunt growth.
Leading a small group can seem like a handful and can be a daunting endeavor but it doesn’t have to be. The love of overthinking is the root of all evil (well, the love of money is, but in my experience, this is a close second). Let your small group grow and change organically. Don’t feel the need to try to be something you’re not and be willing to adapt as your group needs it. Ultimately, let your small group be a place of laughter, growth, and joy.
If you’re just starting a small group program, check out our articles, A Small Group Toolbox and Three Things to Help Make Your Small Group Work for the three things and people you need to have a successful small group.
This article was originally written by Aspen Lenzen for the Togather resource library. Togather is a ChurchOS for leader tools that grow your church through small group engagement and management revolutionizing church connection and retention. Learn more at gettogather.co.
