How to Overcome Perfectionism, and Find Happiness
The decisions you make every day need to be based on hope and not fear. Act under the precedence that it is all going to be ok, and will work out no matter what. This is how you can do that.
The first part of the article talks about what perfectionism is, and what it actually does to you, consider reading it first, or if you are looking for solutions, jump to this article straight away.
First, do you recognize that you are a perfectionist?
I’ve never considered myself a perfectionist (and previously thought that such things don’t exist) until I realized that everybody I know has been calling me a perfectionist all my life and even now.
Do we always recognize our perfectionistic traits? Minds smartly mask our behaviors, it is barely noticeable to us, but it is so vivid to people around us. A good exercise to do is to take a test on perfectionism, and it does ask questions that we might’ve never asked ourselves in the past, and asking the right questions may reveal the sore truth.
Here is a wonderful and simple 1-minute questionary test that will help you to ask the right questions. Perfectionism can hide across areas you never thought about, therefore it’s important to spend your time and understand which areas you might be most vulnerable to.
On one side, you might be a high achiever with all or nothing thinking, which is a self-oriented perfectionism where one has unrealistic expectations of one’s self. Or, you may have socially prescribed perfectionism, when you believe your social environment is so demanding, and that environment judges you strongly, therefore you must be perfect to get approved by this environment. Lastly, you may have other-oriented perfectionism when you impose unrealistic standards on those around you.
Regardless of its type, the number one thing you can do to yourself is to talk to yourself first.
1. Talk to yourself!
It’s important to understand that perfectionism anxiety comes from a place of fear. You need to sit with yourself and really unpack what you are scared of. Ask yourself: why do you need this thing to be perfect? what are you scared of? are you scared of failure? why are you scared of failure?
The decisions you make every day need to be based on hope and not fear. Act under the precedence that it is all going to be ok, and will work out no matter what.
Ask yourself the right questions: think about what happens if you do this thing and it is not perfect? Perfectionists tend to believe that anything short of perfection is horrible and that even minor imperfections will lead to a catastrophe. Ask yourself, will you end up broke? will anyone end up hurt? will people stop respecting you or laugh at you? will the world end up destroyed? what is it that will happen?
Remember, our minds are insidious and have a habit of going to extreme cases. Clarify your fear further — what is the probability of what may happen?
Say, your fear - people around you won’t respect you anymore. This is a good point, can you validate this? ask a few people around you if you mess up with this specific thing, what will really happen, and how their impression will change of you?
2. Put a deadline and define the measure
You don’t have time in life for irrelevant bullsh*t and part of doing great things is figuring out how to prioritize what you do. You have a limited amount of mental and emotional resources, don’t spend them on some stupid things because you’re worried that without it, you won’t be perfect.
What actually helps is to set the time limit for how long you can allow yourself to complete your activity or a project. Dedicate yourself during that time, if the time is finished, push yourself to release this activity or the project. You’re never going to be perfect.
See how this helps other people:
What helps curb perfectionism for me is setting time limits for how long I allow myself to study every day. Knowing that I only have limited time to study helps me to focus on making progress instead of getting caught up in the details of making everything perfect. For example, maybe you could focus on studying only three of your subjects every day. For each subject, you could study for at least 10 minutes, but for no more than 20 minutes. Allow yourself to stop studying the subject after 10 minutes if you want to, but if you feel like it, you can keep going until the 20 minutes are up. Then move on to the next subject…
Furthermore, define the criteria to accept your work. It does not need to be perfect, say, only 75% perfect, or only 1% above average! You do the math. Set yourself the scope, something tangible: I will write 3 pages, and it is ok to publish an article if I couldn’t explain everything, or I will dance these 3 moves, and it is ok if it is not as perfect as the instructor moves are.
Define, what it means perfect for you, and ask yourself again, why do you need that high standard? Work backward from there and aim to lower the goal twice!
“A good plan violently executed right now is better than a perfect plan executed next week.”
General Patton
3. Allow yourself to be imperfect
Practice being imperfect. Seriously! Something literally you can do this minute. Pick up a pencil and draw a horrible drawing, write a terrible song, or sing terribly. Do something you will fail at! Accept that failure, give yourself that special permission to fail. Practice this every day, just for 10 minutes.
The next step is to practice this through your imagination. Imagine situations where you try things, and you fail in front of people that are important to you, your mind will generate criticism and fear — let that flow be in and out of you.
The fear of what other people think of you creates anxiety. Why don’t you practice experiencing these situations? Take this to the next level and reflect on why would people think badly of you, and is there a high possibility of it? Even if someone criticizes you, what will this criticism do to you in the worst case? Think of other people always trying to help you, rather than ruin you.
Remember it is liberating — the moment you accept yourself as is, the moment you accept things to be imperfect, then your anxiety will start subsiding, and you will start opening up for new possibilities:
Once I decided that I need not be perfect anymore, I would just do and be criticized, learn and improve. I became unstoppable, I progressed like never before, and that’s when I realized perfectionism had been an extremely serious and toxic weakness. If I break it down, perfectionism means spending lots of time working on things that don’t matter.
Quora
This article is dedicated to my friend, who I hope will soften high standards to progress on activities that never got finished 😉
