My Husband Is Not Turned On By Me Anymore (My Husband Says I Don’t Turn Him On)

Harlow Kira
6 min readApr 1, 2024

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Photo by Somnox Sleep on Unsplash

Today, let’s dive into a topic that hits close to home for many of us — the feeling of your husband not being turned on by you anymore. It’s a tough pill to swallow, and I want you to know that you’re not alone. So often, I hear from people who are grappling with this situation, wondering what went wrong and how to reignite that spark.

The other day, I received a heartfelt message from a woman named Maggie. She painted a vivid picture of her world slowly unraveling. It wasn’t just a message; it was a raw expression of pain and confusion. Maggie poured her heart out, revealing that her husband dropped a bombshell on her. He admitted, with a heaviness in his voice, that he just wasn’t feeling that spark anymore. As she typed out her feelings, I could almost feel the weight of her words, the hurt and betrayal dripping from every sentence.

In her message, Maggie recounted the moments when she felt the shift, the subtle changes that slipped through the cracks unnoticed until it was too late. She shared instances of reaching out, trying to bridge the growing emotional gap, only to be met with silence or, at times, frustration. The man she’d shared countless laughs and inside jokes with now seemed like a stranger, and it was tearing her apart.

As I read through her story, the details felt familiar — the late-night conversations turning into mere whispers, the once spontaneous touches replaced by an uncomfortable distance. Maggie spoke of sleepless nights spent analyzing every word and action, desperately trying to decode the mystery of her husband’s emotional detachment.

She described the ache in her chest as she wondered, “What did I do wrong?” The echoes of self-doubt reverberated in her words, and she questioned whether she could ever reclaim the closeness they once had. It was as if the foundation of her world had shifted, leaving her grasping at fragments of a love that felt like it was slipping away.

In the midst of her emotional turmoil, Maggie reached out to me seeking a lifeline in the sea of uncertainty. She questioned the very essence of her relationship, she asked the poignant question that echoed in the virtual space between us: “My husband is not turned on by me anymore. My husband says I don’t turn him on. Why is this happening, and what can I do to make him desire me again?”

Maggie’s story isn’t unique — in fact, it’s a tale that echoes through the corridors of many relationships. First things first, let’s acknowledge that it’s normal for the flame to flicker a bit in long-term relationships. Life gets busy, stress happens, and sometimes, we just forget to keep the spark alive. The good news is, there are things we can do to reignite that fire! So, if your husband is giving you the “you don’t turn me on” talk, here’s your guide to bringing the sizzle back into your relationship.

1. Communication is Key: Unlocking the Secrets

Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, and when your husband drops the bombshell that you don’t turn him on, it’s time to engage in some heart-to-heart conversations. Start by creating a safe space for open dialogue. Express your willingness to understand his feelings and concerns without judgment.

Encourage him to share his thoughts and emotions, emphasizing that this is a judgment-free zone. Remember, the goal is not to assign blame but to foster understanding. Ask open-ended questions, and actively listen to what he has to say. This process can unveil underlying issues, be it stress, insecurities, or unspoken expectations, allowing both of you to address and resolve them together.

2. Spice Things Up in the Bedroom: The Art of Revitalizing Intimacy

Let’s talk about spicing things up in the bedroom, shall we? Over time, it’s natural for intimacy to hit a plateau. The key is to inject excitement and novelty into your sexual experiences. Start by exploring each other’s fantasies and desires. This isn’t about fulfilling every fantasy but creating an atmosphere of openness and vulnerability.

Experiment with new things — try different positions, introduce adult toys if both partners are comfortable, or simply change the setting. Creating an atmosphere of adventure and unpredictability can reignite the flame. The focus here is not just on physical pleasure but on building a deeper emotional connection through shared experiences.

3. Self-Confidence is Sexy: Embracing Your Inner Goddess

Ladies, let’s talk about the power of self-confidence. It’s not just a cliché; it’s a game-changer. When your husband claims you don’t turn him on, it might be an opportunity to reflect on your own self-perception. Take time for self-care — hit the gym, try out a new look, or engage in activities that make you feel radiant and alive.

Confidence is contagious. When you feel good about yourself, that energy resonates with your partner. It’s not about conforming to societal standards but embracing your unique beauty and radiance. The more you embrace and exude self-confidence, the more appealing you become to your partner.

4. Prioritize Quality Time: Nurturing Emotional Connection

In the hustle and bustle of daily life, it’s easy to neglect quality time with your partner. Yet, emotional connection is the foundation of a healthy relationship. Schedule regular activities that you both enjoy, whether it’s a quiet dinner, a weekend getaway, or even a movie night at home.

The goal is to create moments where you can reconnect on an emotional level. Engage in meaningful conversations, share your thoughts and dreams, and actively listen to your partner’s concerns. When emotional bonds are strengthened, physical intimacy often follows suit.

5. Be Playful and Flirtatious: Rediscovering the Fun

Remember the days when playful banter and flirtation were second nature? Well, it’s time to bring back the fun! Send playful texts during the day, leave surprise notes, or engage in light-hearted teasing. Injecting humor and playfulness into your interactions adds an element of excitement and novelty.

The idea is not to take yourselves too seriously. Laugh together, reminisce about fun times, and create new inside jokes. By fostering a light and playful atmosphere, you create an environment where both partners feel at ease and can express themselves freely.

6. Explore Each Other’s Fantasies: Creating Intimacy Through Vulnerability

Fantasies are a natural and healthy part of any intimate relationship. It’s time to explore and share your desires. This doesn’t mean diving headfirst into every fantasy but creating a space where both partners can express their deepest desires without judgment.

Discussing fantasies requires vulnerability and trust. It’s about understanding each other’s hidden desires and creating a bond built on acceptance. This process not only enhances physical intimacy but also strengthens the emotional connection between you and your partner.

If your husband is saying you don’t turn him on, don’t panic. Relationships go through ups and downs, and it’s completely normal to face challenges. By fostering open communication, prioritizing intimacy, and injecting a dose of fun into your relationship, you can reignite the spark.

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Harlow Kira

Experienced marriage counselor, guiding couples through challenges to rediscover joy and intimacy. Committed to building resilient partnerships.