Published inThe Belladonna Comedy·Apr 24, 2020A Series of Metaphors to Explain What Childless People Hear When Parents Try To Talk Them Into Having KidsAre you sure you don’t want kids? OK, you’re sure…but are you SURE?! — “Hey, I brought you a hamburger from McDonalds! I know you’re a vegetarian but I think I know what’s best for you, despite the fact I’m a relative stranger who doesn’t respect your boundaries. Just take a bite and you’ll realize that you have secretly wanted a hamburger all along…Satire4 min readSatire4 min read
Published inSlackjaw·Mar 18, 2020Member-onlyHow To Tell That You’re Dating Someone If You’re Too Shy To Ask Them DirectlyI mean, sure, you could just ask — but there’s got to be a better way! — Hire an actor from Craigslist to sit at the bar of the restaurant you are planning to go to. At a pre-arranged time, this person should fake a seizure and tumble to the floor. This will prompt the bartender you’ve bribed to yell “HELP! We need a person who isn’t…Satire3 min readSatire3 min read
Published inThe Belladonna Comedy·Feb 4, 2020A Queer Woman’s Dating FAQ (As Answered By A Straight Married Person)Thanks for your input, Karen. — I’m a woman and I’m new to queer dating. How do I get started? Have you tried an app? What’s that one…Gritty? Do you mean Grindr? That app is primarily for men seeking other men. Is there an app for women who want to date people who aren’t cis men? …Dating4 min readDating4 min read
Published inThe Belladonna Comedy·Dec 24, 2019Santa KayfabeThe Magic of Believing — Christmas was a big deal to my family. We weren’t religious — my parents made a feeble attempt to raise us Catholic for my grandparents, and gave up after my mother cussed out a nun — but my faith in the real big man upstairs was unshakable. It didn’t take…Essay7 min readEssay7 min read
Published inThe Belladonna Comedy·Jul 19, 2019How Dare You Submit to Our Literary JournalHow. Even. Dare. You. — Thank you for your interest in submitting your work to Polydactyl Typewriter. This isn’t your grandfather’s literary journal. This is a journal for people who LIVE THEIR ART OUT LOUD and DRAW GREAT BIG DICKS ON BATHROOM WALLS and ARE NO LONGER WELCOME IN THE PALISADES PARK MALL. …Writing4 min readWriting4 min read
Jan 9, 2019Boss of The WorldI: Dump Matsumoto VS Chigusa Nagayo (1985) When you are raised and socialized as a girl, you never want for instruction. As most children do, you learn from stories first. One of the first lessons is that there is nothing neutral about femininity. You can’t simply be female. That label…Short Story22 min readShort Story22 min read
Published inThe Belladonna Comedy·Dec 10, 2018Merit Badges For Newly-Out Adult Queer WomenWords by Harmony Cox and Illustrations by Margaret Stolte — Nothing is more exhilarating and disorienting than realizing that you’re queer as an established adult. If you are grappling with both a fear of slowed metabolism and the sudden understanding that your daydream about moving to the country with Ina Garten and a dozen sheepdogs is more than an idle…Life5 min readLife5 min read
Published inThe Belladonna Comedy·Aug 30, 2018I Will Take Heat for This, Which Is Why I’m Going to Keep My Festering Tuna Can of a Mouth ShutBy Alternate Universe Michael Ian Black — Listen guys: I have an opinion about Louis CK and his surprise show at the Comedy Cellar over the weekend. I know I’m going to take heat for it. Which is why, upon further reflection, I am not going to weigh in at all. I mean, sure, I do have…Metoo4 min readMetoo4 min read
Aug 7, 2018Q&A for The BelladonnaThis week I was lucky enough to be interviewed by one of my favorite websites, The Belladonna Comedy. It’s an outstanding collection of feminist satire and they’ve published some of my weirdest stuff, so I’m a fan. This ran in their newsletter but they were kind enough to let me…Writing6 min readWriting6 min read
Jun 29, 2018A Home for El GenericoA confession: I never wanted El Generico back. That isn’t to say I hate El Generico, or that I didn’t enjoy his matches, or that I didn’t cry when I watched him say goodbye. But that goodbye, to me, felt like a positive thing. If a trade-off had to take…Fiction12 min readFiction12 min read