What’s your Story? Why the answer REALLY matters.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
Have you ever been asked, “So, what’s your story?” How does one respond to such a vague and open-ended question? Does it really matter?
YES! The stories that we tell REALLY matter!
My dear friend Hayley Stewart is a talented artist, athlete, entrepreneur, hustler, and has one of the most positive dispositions I have ever come across. She is warm, kind, supportive, and is an inspiration to so many of us. She lives 100% off of her art, has a huge network of friends and fans, and brings sunshine with her everywhere she goes. I highly recommend checking out her art!
I had the privilege of living with Hayley in 2022, and I learned many lessons living with her, one of which shifted my perspective on the stories that I was telling myself and others.
Prior to to this enlightening conversation with Hayley, when people asked, “what do you do?”, I would usually respond with one of the following replies:
- “ I’m a bookkeeper/business consultant.”
- “ I’m pursing a Master’s in Counselling Psychology.”
- “ I’m a DJ and event producer.”
- “ I’m a dance and yoga teacher.”
One evening Hayley had some friends over that I was meeting for the first time.
The question came up, “so… what do you get up to?” I responded with the simplest thing possible, “I’m a bookkeeper.”
Hayley didn’t like that.
She told her friends something along the lines of, “Hilary is intelligent and driven and talented. She is balancing running multiple businesses and pursuing a Master’s degree, and her DJ career is on the up-and-up.”
Thanks Hayley!
Some time later, when it was just the two of us, she told me to stop selling myself short. Humility is one thing, but not giving yourself credit where it is due is another.
She noted that these narratives I was telling others were not only limiting me in a networking sense, but they were diminishing my accomplishments and causing me to internalize a sense of small-ness.
At this point, I’ll let you know I am an existentialist, an optimist, and I am pursuing a Master’s in Counselling Psychology. As a student of counselling psychology, we are taught repeatedly about the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).
As part of my last class, I wrote a paper on the application of narrative therapy in counselling Two-Spirit clients in Canada. CBT has it’s place, as does the DSM, but…
Learning about narrative therapy felt like a deep crisp inhalation on a fresh spring morning! Refreshing and expansive.
Narrative therapy is culturally responsive, encourages challenging systemic power imbalances, externalizes problems, promotes strength-based empowerment, and avoids pathologizing issues. Additionally, narrative therapy encourages deepening self-awareness and provides space for self-expression through story-telling, creative writing and various other expressive mediums.
Narrative therapy assumes that each individual is the expert in their life. Furthermore, as humans are constructivists, we are constantly striving to make sense of our experiences.
In our perpetual quest for meaning, we create narratives about our surroundings, ourselves, our experiences and the people in our lives.
“We speak ourselves into meaning.” — Courtney Ackerman
Depending on what narratives we create and which ones dominate our awareness, our stories can empower us, or they can anchor our attention in problem-saturated dramas, where our identities are defined by our issues.
“Like a book that switches viewpoints from one character to another, our life has multiple threads of narrative with different perspectives, areas of focus, and points of interest.” — Courtney Ackerman
Let’s get into it! How does narrative therapy work?
Narrative therapy externalizes our problems, separating the person from the problem. This represents a HUGE shift in perspective for most people.
Here’s an example:
Story #1
“ I am a melancholy person. I am lazy, often procrastinate, and feel down much of the time. People don’t like me because I am negative and a ‘downer’. There is something wrong with me. I feel consumed by my emotions and problems.”
Story #1 personalizes a problem, creating a narrative that the individual is inherently flawed and must change in order to overcome the problem.
Story #1 creates shame and hopelessness.
Story #2
“ I have been experiencing depressive thoughts, fatigue and low mood. I have identified my problem as ‘the darkness’. It is something that I experience from time to time, but it does not define me. There are many factors in and out of my control that contribute to ‘the darkness’, but there is nothing inherently wrong with me. I am worthy of my own love and respect and that of others. I am a balanced person with many strengths, and I will use these to push back against ‘the darkness’ and work towards my goals.”
Did reading story #1 feel different than reading story #2?
Story #2 externalizes the problem and gives it a name. Naming the problem and separating it from the individual’s inherent traits shifts the narrative away from shame and blame and focuses on re-framing and solutions.
Story #2 allows for recognition of strengths and allows space for hope and empowerment.
Shifting our perspectives to externalize our problems and re-author our stories in order to recognize our inherent wholeness and strengths can have a significant, long-lasting and positive impact on our well-being.
Our self talk, the stories we tell ourselves and the language we use can have profound effects on our health, relationships and success.
So you may be thinking (or not), Hilary… what story do you tell people now? Honesty, it shifts with context, but I am mindful to lead with curiosity and passion and separate my self-worth from the obstacles that I face. If you are curious, you can read a bit of my story here:
About Me
So…. What’s Your Story?
For real, tell me in the comments, I want to hear them!
If you want to learn more about Narrative therapy, go here and watch this video:
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