#2 Parents
I want to say that I speak not just to give people a piece of my mind; I speak because I genuinely want to contribute to others’ well-being. This time, I want to share my personal matters, but still, I don’t want to overshare, but I hope that this helps yall to understand your family dynamic thru mine.
Somehow, I have such a love-hate relationship with my parents. Like, there were times when I totally adored them or times when I loved them so much, but sometimes they were times when they made me feel like, “Okay, I’ve had enough”. And a few years ago, when I finally saw the pattern of how we try to communicate and manage problems, it dawned on me that, this lingering issue is way bigger than any little argument that comes and goes.
What really concerns me the most is the generational trauma they passed on, which has never been solved. At the same time, it affects my well-being and emotions as well. So, sorting out this generational baggage is a really big deal for me, it’s not just about getting to know myself better, though it’s because I want to make them feel at ease with themselves, especially for the sake of our family’s well-being.
Long story short, there was something that made me wonder why I seem to understand people’s emotions better and can empathize with them genuinely. Moreover, some people often say that they can easily be at ease being open with me. I can’t help but question myself.
I don’t know if it’s self-judgment or not, but that’s kinda how I feel. Every time I connect with others, I like to observe them — how their facial expressions change, what emotions they display, the words they choose when they’re happy or sad, and stuff like that. Maybe it’s fine, you could say that I simply love observing and analyzing my surroundings, indeed. But, I’m always asking myself a big why, no matter whenever or wherever I go, and this is no exception. I mean, how did I develop such an interest in these things? It’s like I can’t stop wondering why I’m so obsessed with understanding people’s emotions and feelings.
Then, discovering an interest thru some of the discussions and topics in psychology turned out to have its own perks for me, then it led me to one topic that widened my eyes. It’s like something that blows my mind, like clearing out the fuzzy cloudy tunnel within mine after all of these years. Maybe this is true, or maybe not, ’cause I’m not a professional or psychologist, yet. So, I have noticed that my parents may have a tendency to be emotionally unavailable.
My parents never raised their voices at me or engaged in verbal or physical abuse, such as mocking or hurting me etc etc. However, when we were faced with disagreements or situations causing them hurt, they often responded with silent treatment and not much expressing their feelings or emotions. And as a result, as a child, I was subconsciously attuned to their silent treatment by always guessing as responses.
As I had emotionally unavailable parents in my childhood, I developed a tendency to pay too much attention and become hyper-attuned to everything in the room, especially their unexpressed emotions through silent treatment. This hyper-awareness was overwhelming for me, as everything they did or didn’t do made me become more attuned to emotional cues. And this can lead to the development of empathic traits as a coping mechanism. Furthermore, instead of attuning to someone who’s happy, the empaths might tend to focus on someone who’s going through some problems. That’s where the risk lies, and I’m planning to talk more about it in #4.
Back then, when I found out about that, I was mad about why such a thing happened to me. I was just a child who had newly come into this world, and yet subconsciously, I felt the need to develop the capability to manage and condition myself, all because the adults around me were emotionally unavailable. Instead of them guiding me and helping me understand or validate my emotions, I had to figure it out on my own. I started to imagine those ‘what ifs’ scenarios like, “What if my parents were more emotionally available? Or what if they had been better at validating my feelings? It’s possible that I wouldn’t have struggled as much as I do now”. It was so frustrating and unfair. Like, why should I have to deal with something that isn’t even my fault in the first place?
I came to the realization that maybe becoming parents must have been quite challenging for them too. There may have been just one or two out of hundreds of things in parenthood that they missed. Moreover, back then, the resources on parenting were limited compared to what we have access to nowadays. It’s highly likely that they did their absolute best in handling numerous problems, but now I can’t complain cause they already managed it all.
And after some personal reflection, I attempted to make them feel better by reminding them about certain things they might not have been handling well. My intention was to help them improve their situation and minimize or avoid unnecessary problems. However, when I tried to share my thoughts with them, I received a rather unwelcoming response. And it was disheartening ’cause all I wanted to do was try to save themself to feel better, but instead, their reaction felt like nagging and making me feel sad in return. It seems that they haven’t become more receptive or aware, and now I realize that persisting in this approach may only end up hurting me.
Back then, I had no clue. I might’ve blamed myself, maybe I was the one who was at fault. But then, life taught me a hard lesson, and now I understand that love doesn’t mean sacrificing our own well-being to fix someone else’s troubles. This lesson holds true not only for our family but also for future partners and friends. So, the answer to “Why should I have to deal with something that isn’t even my fault in the first place?” is all about me. It’s not my responsibility to fix my parents’ unhealed trauma. Their past might’ve left a mark on my life. But I remember, finding my own healing from those things led me to a seriously powerful transformation in my well-being and personal growth, and that’s my responsibility.
It’s truly been nice, getting to know myself better over the years. When I was in my first year of high school I attended a conference that talked about “Who Am I.” And I can still vividly remember that texts were so vibrant and colorful, and that’s when the first time I started to care more about understanding myself. Looking back now, I can’t help but feel really, really proud of how far I’ve come. It’s been quite the ride, but I’m so grateful for every step of it.
Despite all the fights and disagreements with my parents, I gotta say, I’m still thankful for them. They’ve always had my back, no matter what choices I make. They’re all always giving me the freedom to do my thing and choose whatever I want. One of my awesome memory was back in middle school when they joined me at my first anime-cosplay event, Choco Days in CW. We had a blast taking selfies with all the cosplayers and munching on the yummiest mochi ice cream everr. Little did I know, years later, my dad dived in Attack on Titan (well, til S3 only, S4 was just too overwhelming he said). But yeah, that’s just one of the hundreds of things that make me grateful for having them in my life. They’ve shaped who I am, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Every family has its own dynamics. Some might not have any trauma, some have awesome parenting styles, and some of them still even struggle with an open and healthy convo. If you’ve been trying your best to be a good son or daughter, but it only ends up hurting you, don’t feel pressured to keep engaging. You deserve inner peace for yourself. Break that cycle, focus on yourself, and create a better path for your future. I get it, maybe it’s easy to say things, but in reality, some situations are just tough. Sometimes some people find it hard to find a way out of unhealthy family dynamics cause it’s already deeply rooted inside. Take your time, you know what’s best for you.
If you’re feeling down or overwhelmed with your life and you need help, don’t hesitate to reach out to a professional. It’s way better to handle it now than to deal with it on your own later. Remember, seeking help can make a big difference.
However, knowing this has made me realize that I must stand my ground whenever people try to hurt me because hurt people hurt people. That’s it. And, it reminds me of this one time when someone told me, “I don’t know why, but whatever you do, it just irritates me right at the center of the spot,” and it made me sad. But once again, hurt people hurt people.
Though, I had already tried my best at that time. I guess my actions might have been at fault. Then if it wasn’t mine, I still understood that maybe it was likely triggered by this person’s unhealed trauma. I don’t want to judge or give someone an ultimatum based on their past upbringing. Even so, just because someone has their own problems and unhealed trauma, it doesn’t mean that it justifies all the wrongdoings for what they’ve done to me. They are still responsible for their own healing. As the saying goes, “If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.” In the end, I’ll continue striving to understand and empathize, while also setting boundaries to protect my well-being.
It’s an irony that their unknowingness about themselves and the trauma they held back make them hurt others. That’s the reason why someday I wanna be good parents for my future kids. I think it’s frustrating that someone’s friends or partners might get hurt by those due to the unbalanced dynamic at home. So, right now, I don’t mind reading a lot of books or doing anything that leads to inner peace within myself that will benefit my kids to have healthy and loving parents. And when they grow up surrounded by the warmth they receive from inside the roof, they’ll be able to spread it to the world, and the world won’t even have a chance to bring them down.
This future generation gives me so much hope. And people becoming more conscious about personal growth to make positive changes in their lives. Because, we can learn much more about self-development, parenting, and all kinds of cool stuff right at our fingertips which just wasn’t as accessible back then. Maybe you’re all wondering whether this chapter might be better titled “Unhealed Trauma” or “Self-reflection” rather than “Parents.” But, the reason I use “Parents” is that I know the benefits of healing unhealed trauma are for our well-being first. However, I find it even more meaningful that it can also benefit our future ones rather than just ourselves. So, heal before you have children. So you can be at ease and have comfort with yourself, and also your children don’t have to heal from having you as a parent.
Heyy, thank you so much for taking the time to read my story on Medium. If you’ve got any advice on my writing or want to chat about the topics, hit me up via email or Instagram. Before you leave, if you haven’t checked out my Read Me First (click this) post, please do so. Thank you, and have a wonderful day (:
And today’s picked song:
