Pokemon Fight Club : Round of 64, Part I
32 Pokemon must die today. That will be hard to read for some of you — rest assured however, Dewgong is safe.
I want us to all to have a moment together whilst we’re still alive, as in last article we lay down the rules, the draw was made, and the fate of the 64 eligible Pokemon was determined — essentially giving death sentences to some (looking at you there Tangela, you poor confusing thing).
Listen, I know today will be a tough day for some of you. There are hardcore Onix fans in the house here today and Golduck even brought his entire family here to watch, which, on reflection was a risky move — no kid deserves to see their father fight to the death (unless you are Simba, he had that coming the moment he decided to go and have a little wander around some elephant bones).
There are going to be 32 fights in total today (split into 2 hilarious parts for your reading pleasure)— some quick, over as fast as you can scream “WHO’S THAT POKEMON?!”. Others will be a tiresome exercise of trying to commentate on what is essentially a Blackpool-level drag act (Jynx) fighting against a squidgy pile of mess (Muk). Actually, you’d all pay for that fight alone wouldn’t you! However long it lasts, there will be a winner — and 32 Pokemon, as stated in the heart-stopping opener — will die today.
Without further ado — it is my pleasure to declare this years Fight Club (Pokemon Edition), officially OPEN!
Round of 64
Kabutops vs. Rhydon
First up we have one of those things from Starship Troopers up against a tiny horned Godzilla. I know, I said no weapons, but Kabutops arms cannot be removed (and Rhydon has a twisty horn, so all is fair). Kabutops literally jumps 30ft in the air like a mad insect and flies down and does that cool x-slice move that ninja’s do in all ninja films — slicing Rhydon’s head clean off. Result = KABUTOPS WINS
Hypno vs. Gengar
Two creepy dudes with dirty minds, sorry I meant dark minds. Anyway, these two fellas start having a Derren-Brown-Off, Hypno trying to make Gengar rob a bank whilst Gengar keeps randomly trying to make Hypno scream. It’s a strange match — most of the crowd at this point decide it’s time for a toilet break. In the madness, Hypno catches a break, finally causing Gengar to literally eat himself to death — if you can picture that. Result = HYPNO WINS
Venomoth vs. Nidoqueen
A massive venomous moth(clever name, in all seriousness) flaps its cute pink wings around Nidoqueen’s massive ears for a bit — occasionally trying to poke her, which she doesn’t like, who does? Nidoqueen gets mad frustrated and decides “right, I’ve had about enough of this!” and delivers her powerful Mega Punch, which, as you may guess, squishes Venomoth into a mere unrecognisable smudge — similar to when I tackle daddy-long-legs with my partners pillow against the cream coloured wall in the middle of the night (we’ve all been there). Result = NIDOQUEEN WINS
Magmar vs. Jolteon
Do you remember that film where James Bond dressed as Pierce Brosnan and runs away from volcanic ash clouds for 2 hours eventually ending up in a big tunnel? — Dante’s Peak. Well, if you do, you’ll also remember that one part which made no sense was when the erupting volcano kept spitting out lightning. Well, spoiler alert, that was in fact Magmar and Jolteon having a scrap back in 1997. Today they meet once again, sparks fly from the offset as pin missiles and smog goes everywhere — it’s a mess. Eventually the smog is just too much, Magmar literally walks away for a Dr Pepper as Jolteon’s lungs fill up with hot smoke, eventually passing away ever so gently (a small girl in the audience is shown on the big screen, crying — she is holding a Jolteon teddy bear). Result = MAGMAR WINS
Venusaur vs. Raichu
Let’s all be honest here, Raichu is meant to be the evolved Pikachu. But why? What makes him better? Nothing, as far as I can tell apart from slightly jazzier ears. Venusaur just sits there, chucking leaves at Raichu for a bit. The crowd become impatient and start chanting Pikachu which upsets Raichu, distracting him for a split second— Venusaur see’s his opportunity and fires a massive solar beam at Raichu quite unnecessarily evaporating him into yellow dust. Result = VENUSAUR WINS
Himonlee vs. Scyther
A pretty ridiculous looking thing who just loves to kick things, against Kabutops green cousin with little wings. Hitmonlee is essentially every Chris Brown performance, roundhouse kicking at any given opportunity. Where he excels in kicking finesse, he lacks in leg durability with what appear to be slinky legs, vulnerable to Scyther’s razor hands who are quick to snip them off. Rendering Hitmonlee pointless. Scyther does that cool thing where he slices things right down the middle in one clean action, and with that Hitmonlee is gone — both halves of him, dead. Result = SCYTHER WINS
Chansey vs. Poliwrath
An egg against what — in PokeWorld — is described as a tadpole (Of which I have never seen an aggressive one like this before). Quite ridiculously whilst Poliwrath makes big circles with water, Chansey’s “move” is basically suicidal — killing herself whilst attempting to win the fight, which makes no sense. Poliwrath, confused and wet, walks away victorious. The crowd don’t know how to react so just give a polite clap. Result = POLIWRATH WINS
Fearow vs. Sandslash
A flying spikey beak up against a walking spikey everything. There’s nothing Fearow can do here but keep on trying to poke Sandslash, to no avail. Eventually Fearow goes all Pearl Harbour and decides to just bloody go for it! One massive run up and Fearow flies right through Sandslash like a feathered bullet. Sandslash is absolutely gutted, literally. Result = FEAROW WINS
Wigglytuff vs. Vileplume
The crowd cannot believe what they’re seeing. Wigglytuff just starts waving at everyone, and Vileplume is just dancing about with some petals. Utter madness. Like a really bad audition tape for Pokemon’s Got Talent, this duo are literally making people walk out. Out of nowhere, Randy Orton comes from behind and RKO’s Vileplume! The flower headed smurf is down, and out. The referee saw nothing, distracted by Wigglytuff’s moves. Result = WIGGLYTUFF WINS
Mewtwo vs. Alakazam
If entrance music was the competition, this would have been the main event. The lights go out, suddenly a spotlight appears and Mewtwo floats into the light as U2’s Beautiful Day rings around the stadium. It is awe inspiring as Mewtwo then heads dramatically towards Alakazam (who entered minutes before to Take That’s Could It Be Magic, which was equally as beautiful — complete with a full dance routine). The music stops, and the bell rings. Alakazam instantly explodes in to hundreds of pieces…Nobody quite knows if it was a magic trick or Mewtwo using his mystery powers. Either way, Mewtwo is the only remaining Pokemon, Alakazam we presume dead, until proven otherwise. Result = MEWTWO WINS
Tauros vs. Pikachu
OK I admit, Pikachu isn’t the most evolved version of itself (See, Raichu). However! As many of you may have missed, Snoorlax did not make it to Fight Club, purely due to his laziness. As a result, Pikachu stepped up and demanded his spot. Pika’ gets the Fight Club crowd rocking with a dazzling lightning show, which startles an already startled Tauros into a frenzy. Stomping all over the place, the tiny-headed bull runs directly into a wall — Pikachu can only watch as Tauros dies from his awful head injuries…Onto the next round for Pika! Result = PIKACHU WINS
Lapras vs. Gyrados
Legitimate water dwelling bad ass snake fish giant against an underwater horse with a Kermit mouth. Lapras, there’s no easy way of putting this mate, you’re about to be bubblebeamed into oblivion. Sure, Lapras uses confuse ray, sure…all it does is piss Gyrados off more. Moments later, Lapras is but a memory to everybody, R.I.P. Result = GYRADOS WINS
Kingler vs. Pinsir
On one side we have crab hands, the other we have crab head. I want to say this would be fun to watch, I want to suggest there’ll be claws everywhere and throw in some hillariously timed crab puns. No, Kingler extends a hand to wish Pinsir luck in this match, nice, sportsmanship. The sod only then grabs Pinsir’s soft fleshy face with his one big massive hand-claw and squeezes the sideways teeth right out and the match is over. Never trust crabs, is a rule we’ve all learnt here today. Result = KINGLER WINS
Electabuzz vs. Rapidash
Electabuzz is the uglier, not so popular version of Pikachu. Aka, the Wario to the handsome Mario. By default this means not as good, not as smart and almost always messes up. Here is no different. Electabuzz uses thunderpunch which of course is a direct reverse tasered punch to his own groin. He goes down, that would almost always hurt more than childbirth (unconfirmed). Rapidash with her beautiful hair much like Jess Glynne then screams “don’t be so hard on yourself, Buzz” which, unfortunately to Buzz is good advice a little too late. A quick stomp from Rapidash (again, to the groin), kills off Buzz. This, kids, is a lesson why you should always protect your groin. Result = RAPIDASH WINS
Ninetales vs. Beedrill
We’ve all been on holiday, you’re by the pool enjoying the rays — when suddenly a damn wasp and/or bee comes and ruins the whole holiday with it’s larger than life body which we have never seen in the UK. Now imagine, that thing had massive stabby-needle arms — there are not many nightmares worse than this. Ninetales however is a massive bulk of silky beautiful hair. Not only does the shampoo alone deter Beedrill, but even Beedrill’s attacks can’t penetrate such soft, gloriously conditioned hair. Ninetales chuckles, and for some bizarre reason decides to momentarily turn into a dragon and blast fire at Beedrill,burning the bug to smithereens. Result = NINETALES WINS
Mr Mime vs. Exeggutor
Poor Mr Mime. So much talent, wasted in a fight to the death. At no point was Mr Mime ready to be a fighter. Mr Mime wanted Broadway, wanted Pokemon’s Got Talent gold, wanted stardom. Yet, as Mr Mime entertained the crowd with a routine where he comically gets stuck inside of a fictional box — Exeggutor throws exploding eggs at him and scrambles Mr Mime to bits. Poor Mr Mime. Result = EXEGGUTOR WINS
In the next edition of Pokemon Fight Club, we’ll have the remaining 16 fights, and importantly the draw for the last 32. We’ve got Blastoise, Charizard, Pidgeot, Mew, and many more still to battle it out.
Jack A. Goodwin
