Image for post
Image for post

The Old Mech went up in the suburbs of Pil Yo Heights when Royo was just a baby. Of course, at the time it was simply: “The Mech.” In one video from that time, his father holds Royo’s tiny silhouette against the scaffolding of The Mech, and says, “This is our gift to you, Royo! So you will always have time.”

The Mech was built to protect Pil Yo Heights from the Time Witches. The Time Witches lived in time loops of their own creation. …


Image for post
Image for post

On Creepy Garfield Art and Getting Engaged

I turned 41 this year, and getting older has been strange, especially since the Internet got ahold of someone I consider to be my dream brother: Garfield.

What I’m talking about is “Creepy Garfield” art. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a series of cartoons featuring Garfield as a monster stalking Jon. It’s mostly sci-fi and body horror Cronenberg-style drawings.

My friends sometimes post this Dark Garfield art on my wall — and I appreciate it, I do love to see all of Garfield’s incarnations, even the upsetting ones. There’s even a subreddit for Creepy Garfield art called r/imsorryjon.

Picture a bloated Garfield the size of a star pouring the dark light of his essence directly into Jon’s eyes and Jon saying “I can see forever and it’s bad.” Or Garfield as one of the monsters from Annihilation, with tentacles coming out of his face and the caption is “This lasagna recipe requires your DNA…


Jason Mallory and Tom Rittenhouse Descend Into the Cave of Aladdin GIFs

Image for post
Image for post

👨🏻 Hey y’all, it’s me! Jeff Foxworthy! Jason and Tom let me introduce the article so I could try out my new Aladdin material and here it is! “If a man with a snake staff sends you down into a cave of wonders with your pet monkey to get a magic lamp — you MIGHT be Aladdin.” Hope you liked it! Anyway, here’s Jason and Tom with some wholesome comedy about a genie who’s as blue as my collar!

JASON

Whoa, was Jeff Foxworthy just in here? Shoulda got his autograph. …


GIFs of Dark Phoenix? Right This Way Sir or Madam

Image for post
Image for post

👩🏼‍🚀 Hey there! I’m Little Dale, the astronaut! Jason asked me to come out and introduce the article. What can I say, Jason made some GIFs from the Dark Phoenix trailer and wrote some stuff about them! Okay back to being the warden of space jail, bye!

Image for post
Image for post

ALERT! ALERT! A report from the front of the ship—this dude is yelling at you. I bet this is what it looks like to argue with your boyfriend on the X-Men ride at Universal Studios. He’s been listening to a lot of podcasts!

Does Universal Studios have the rights to make an X-Men ride? Pretty bold if they don’t! Seems like if you want to make a ride you should be able to make it about anything you want. Is an amusement park ride really “about” anything? …


Image for post
Image for post

Yep-I Made a Bunch of Rise of Skywalker GIFs and Wrote About Them

If you’re here for a film critic’s analysis of the Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker trailer, this ain’t it. To quote my tattoo of Chewbacca riding a BIRD scooter for the first time: “we’ll see what happens!”

So let’s look at these Star Wars GIFs I made on GIPHY and read the little blurbs I wrote about each one. Rise of Skywalkers, down with trash talkers, etc. I’m just a Wookie solving the “last mile” problem on an e-scooter, and you are all the pedestrians on the sidewalk I’m plowing through.

Image for post
Image for post

First up: the title screen: Star Wars. …


Image for post
Image for post

“Luke Perry is dead” says the screen in the elevator at my office, a deviation from its usual slightly Trump-sympathetic news reports.

“Damn, Luke Perry is dead!” I write on Facebook Messenger to my girlfriend and again on gchat to my friends.

Luke Perry’s death will be announced all day by a variety of screens, each one programmed with its own small agenda. I always figured the future would have many screens but did not imagine each one would come with its own point of view, it’s own narrative to push. Naive on my part.

Later in the evening when I get home I will look out at the dogs running around my backyard and think about how I don’t always have to play a role in the world, sometimes I can simply look at the world, and I don’t even have to do that if I don’t want to. …


Image for post
Image for post

Jason and Julian review the GIFs of the Aquaman Trailer

Image for post
Image for post

JASON

Well, Julian—here it is! The logo for Aquaman splashing you in the face! I wish the logo for Batman v Superman would come in after this and offer you a towel. One logo washes, the other dries. One logo always tells the truth, the other one always lies!

Julian, would you say you’re more of an Aquaman logo or a Batman v Superman logo? Or some kind of poly logofluid Batman v Superman v Aquaman v Jason v Julian logo??

JULIAN

Jason everyone knows that I’m usually a traditionalist when it comes to logos. McDonald’s, Ford, the Red Cross: I’ve always preferred my logos CLASSIC and DRY. But I’m learning something new about myself today: I like my logos w-e-t WET. Maybe it’s the record setting global heat waves, maybe it’s my commitment to raising awareness of ocean issues (btw you should be aware that the ocean has a ton of ISSUES), but I’m all about this Aquaman logo. Batman’s bat, Superman’s S, these logos are so dry, they may as well belong to the Shamwow. The only fluidity I want in my logos is when they’re covered in fluids, seawater preferably but lord knows I’ve spent more than my fair share of nights in the backroom of a seedy bar, getting fluids all over my personal logo. So there you have it! It’s a stunning upset for the many, many people who regularly follow my logo write-ups, but Aquaman’s wet logo has me dripping… with approval! …


Image for post
Image for post

Tom Rittenhouse and Jason Mallory Review 10 GIFs From the Trailer for ‘A Wrinkle in Time’

JASON

What’s up, Tom! Welcome to our series where we cut 10 GIFs from a movie trailer and discuss them with a guest! For this edition, we’re taking a closer look at the GIFs of A Wrinkle in Time!

First of all, this is one of my favorite books of all time — as a nerdy kid who thought he was ready to fight the ultimate evil in an alternate dimension yet was also bullied daily and enjoyed a weird frenemy relationship with his bully over a shared love of Garfield compilations, this was the perfect book for me. …


Image for post
Image for post

A demonic smoke fiend has stolen all the smoke in the city of Atlanta to use for his flamboyant and theatrical smoke show!

Admittedly, the show is very good, with many unbelievable feats of smoke magic that will astound you. But ever since he stole all the smoke no one can get high, enjoy cigarettes, or open any hookah bars!

We asked our contributors: “How do you convince this smoke fiend to give back all our smoke so we can enjoy tobacco and weed again while also helping him maintain the quality level of his incredible smoke-themed stage show without robbing Atlanta of its smoky delights!??”

Image for post
Image for post

Jerad Alexander of of New York, NY writes:

Well, it looks like you managed to get away with it. I saw it all happen on video this morning. You took the smoke of the city and blew up the stadium, the old stadium, the dome, the Georgia Dome. You robbed all the smoke from the weird alleys in East Atlanta Village and tucked away in all the corners and crevices of Little Five Points. (Now I hear the Yacht Club smells like nicotine decay and the dead skin of vampires. Thanks for that.) You sucked the nightclub exhaust from the parking lots around MJQ, The Bookhouse Pub, and god-help-us The Clairemont Lounge. You jacked all the vape clouds and American Spirit redolence that gets pressed under the awning and around the dim lights of The Local on a humid summer evening. You blew into a money bag all the marijuana haze that curlicues down Boulevard and Moreland and all the hustle around downtown. All the joy of a good stoned evening, a warm fire pit, or the sweet hair-curl afterburn of a charcoal barbecue… Gone to MARTA northbound and Down. You stole it and moved it all to Cobb County, where the Great Whites live, the #MAGAs and the Red Hatters, up to Trump Country, so they can pack it into their fat, brown cigars rolled by cheap labor and oversold at strip malls near Golden Corral, so they can pack our smoke into all the money they’ll burn on bad beer and “CDs” of mid-aught rock music as they hide behind the metaled perimeters of their gates communities and the monster castle walls of their whites-only Shangri-la they refer to as “America.” And then, to make it sting one final bit, when you blew it all up, you blocked our view of it with a goddamn MARTA bus, and probably going the wrong way, too. …


Image for post
Image for post

Thanks to a settlement with ABC Family, we just got our hands on several boxes of Pretty Little Liars Exploding Cigars and we need to sell them FAST! Unfortunately, someone has already opened them! The cigars are fine, but you should know: these boxes of Pretty Little Liars Exploding Cigars are NOT sealed! We asked our contributors how they would sell these prank exploding cigars branded with the “Pretty Little Liars” logo!

Image for post
Image for post

Kevin Saucier of Atlanta, Ga writes:

How are you going to “smoke em if you got em” it you ain’t got em? So get em! Pretty Little Liars Exploding Cigars, new, in-box, though once taken out the box, because my little nephew loves to sniff cigars, and Roman Candles, and these were right up his alley. I mean, I set the box down in the alley where he lives for a couple minutes. The box was outside his box, and he thought it was a gift for him, so they’re opened. I was so mad, yelling “Kid! Man!” that people thought I was talking about Nicole, who’s great in Big Little Lies, but is not in Pretty Little Liars. Easy mistake to make. But don’t make the mistake of passing up this offer! One box of cigars for the price of you not telling anybody where you got them, okay? Just, be cool. Stick these under your bed for a couple days. Hold them for me. I’ve got some bad dudes on my tail, and you’d be doing me a solid if you’d hang onto these damp, possibly exploding, not-quite ABC Family approved cigars. I’ll make it worth your while. You ever been to Florida? Well, Alabama’s right next to it, and I know a guy who could put you up. No, actually, he’s mad at me, too. But maybe you could smooth that over? So buy now! …

About

Jason Pierce Mallory

Sleepy Little Rascal

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store