How to Be a Better Ally
Table of Contents
- What Does Being an Ally Mean?
- Breaking the Binary
- History of Pride
- Pride Flags
- Things You Can Do
Want to download a beautiful, PDF version of this guide? Go to https://drive.google.com/file/d/19oPKhsel1xoDVWGOb9kUYH7QUqMs6F54/view?usp=sharing
What does being an ally mean?
While the “A” in LGBTQIA+ (don’t worry, we’ll get to this) can stand for “ally”, I like to think of everyone as an ally. And I mean everyone; LGBTQ+ or not.
When it comes to defining things like gender, identity, or sexuality, it’s impossible to fully understand the journey that each individual person is going through. As a gay man, I can’t comprehend the journey of a lesbian woman, or a transgender person for that matter.
I’m as much an ally to the lesbian, transgender, pansexual, etc, communities as they are to me. I can’t say I fully understand their journey, but I do support them and their right to be treated fairly. It’s not just straight or cisgender (again, we’ll define these in a minute) people who are allies to us, we are all in this together.
Because we are all so unique, I like to think that we are all allies to each other so long as we support and love one another.
So who is this guide for? Everyone! Whether you’re straight, gay, trans, unsure, or any other combination of identities, this guide is meant to help us all have a shared vocabulary and a (very) basic understanding of how we can all be kinder, more accepting, and supportive to each other.
Breaking the Binary
As humans, we like control, and there’s no greater control than building a system by which you can accurately identify things. Systems of black or white, yes or no, known as binary systems, are one of our preferred methods for classifying because they are so simple.
You may be tempted to think of things like gender and sexuality as binary, but you’d be wrong. But don’t fret, it’s not your fault for thinking that way. In fact, lots of people have thought that way for a very long time (binary reference).
Examples of binary thinking:
- Straight or Gay
- Masculine or Feminine
- Male or Female
And don’t be fooled into thinking “spectrums” are any different. They are just variations of the binary, but still binary based.
Examples of spectrums:
- Straight <–> Gay
- Masculine <–> Feminine
- Male <–> Female
Instead, try to think of each individual part of a person as a lever. Each lever controls just one identity, with variations from “super-strongly exhibits this identity” to “very barely exhibits it”. Now, let’s try those examples above as levers.
- Attraction to women 0–100
- Attraction to men 0–100
- Masculinity 0–100
- Femininity 0–100
- Maleness 0–100
- Femaleness 0–11
This makes each identity independent of others. Just because you are masculine doesn’t mean you can’t be feminine as well. Just because you like women doesn’t mean you can’t like men as well. So on.
Sam Killermann (he/him) does a great job of explaining this in his book, “A Guide To Gender: The Social Justice Advocate’s Handbook” using the Genderbread Person Model. He’s released the model as open-source so you can check it out on his website at https://guidetogender.com/.
Recap: Does that make sense?
In the end, our main goal from this section is that you walk away realizing (perhaps for the first time) that gender, identity and sexuality are fluid and independent of each other; the presence of one does not dictate the absence of another. Instead, each identity/gender/sexuality acts as a single ingredient in the makeup of who you are.
This also means that some of the terms you are familiar with are slightly outdated or not as accurate as they could be. For instance, “lesbian” usually means a woman (not a man) who is sexually attracted to women (but not men). Now that we realize things like “masculinity” and gender and attraction are individual parts, we also know that being a “woman” or “being sexually attracted to women” are somewhat of a simplification, don’t you think?
That being said, you’re going to see some (possibly) new words in the next chapter that might challenge the binary way you may have thought of things in the past.
If it’s still unclear, don’t worry! It’s not a straightforward topic, so understanding it isn’t always straightforward, either. Go back and give this section a second glance, or continue on and circle back when you finish. It never hurts to read it a few times to truly absorb the content.
History of Pride (U.S.)
The exact details of the history of Pride will vary depending on sources, but most can agree that it all started with the Stonewall riots in New York City back in June of 1969. Early in the morning of June 28th, New York City’s Public Morals Division officers raided the Stonewall Inn, a local gay bar.
These types of raids were not uncommon and police even had the right to arrest LGBTQ+ folks as they operated in the name of Morality and against the vice of homosexuality. However, that night in June the LGBTQ+ patrons had finally had enough and they finally fought back. What ensued was an all-out brawl between the LGBTQ+ community and the local New York police force. The riots and protests lasted for 6 whole nights in the name of LGBTQ+ equality and respect.
A year later, demonstrations and marches were held around the US to commemorate what was then known as “Christopher Street Liberation Day”. The demonstrations were a uniting point for the LGBTQ+ community and a way to publicize LGBTQ+ struggles to the world.
These demonstrations and parades were a critical part in lighting a fire within the LGBTQ+ rights movement as they offered a platform for visibility of the community in a way they had never had before. As time progressed, more and more cities began to celebrate these “Pride” events around the country and they slowly morphed into the parades and celebrations you know today.
Pride Flags
Original Pride Flag (1978)
The Pride flag has been a symbol of the LGBTQ+ community since 1978 when Gilbert Baker designed the original, 8 color flag for San Francisco’s Gay Freedom Day parade.
The original flag colors included hot pink for sex, red for life, orange for healing, yellow for sunlight, green for nature, turquoise for art, indigo for harmony, and violet for spirit.
You may be thinking “but the rainbow flag only has six stripes” and you’d be *partially* correct. First, the pink stripe was dropped because it was too costly to manufacture. Then, in 1979, in order to have an even number of stripes on the flag so that they could be hung vertically on San Francisco light poles, the turquoise and indigo stripes were replaced with a single blue stripe.
- Read More: (A Brief) History of the LGBTQ+ Flag
Philadelphia Pride Flag (2017)
Philadelphia released a new version of the Pride flag in 2017 in response to a clear problem the city was having with racism. The new flag includes a black and brown stripe at the top of the traditional 6 colors to represent people of color. This new flag was an attempt to spur discussions and to visibly include the brown and black community into Pride events which have, historically, not been overly welcoming to them.
Progress Pride Flag (2018)
On June 7, 2018, Daniel Quasar launched a Kickstarter to promote and sponsor his new Pride flag design. Taking cues from the Philadelphia Pride flag, the Progress Pride flag includes black and brown stripes to represent people of color, but also includes white, pink, and blue stripes to represent the trans community.
Quasar wrote on his Facebook account that the original six colored stripes “should be separated from the newer stripes because of their difference in meaning, as well as to shift focus and emphasis to what is important in our current community climate.”
Both the Philadelphia Pride flag and the Progress Pride flag have met their fair share of praise and criticism from both sides who embrace the new representation and those who feel the original flag already represented all LGBTQ+ peoples.
More Pride Flags
Many sub-groups of the larger LGBTQ+ community have flags that represent their specific, individual identities. A few of those flags are listed below.
Things You Can Do
Don’t make assumptions
One of the easiest ways to better understand any other person (or group of people) is to not make assumptions! Realize that different people can have drastically different journeys and the only way you can learn more about the world is to befriend people who aren’t exactly like you and to have authentic conversations with them.
It’s so easy to surround ourselves with people who are like us; it makes us feel comfortable and understood. But, perhaps, we need to be just a little uncomfortable in order to grow as people.
Do you have any friends who have large differences in their lives from you? Are they a different race, religion, or gender? Do they have a different belief system or do they originate from a place different from you? If so, engage with them in it. 9 times out of 10, if you’re respectful, open, and authentic with your friends about wanting to discuss who they are and what makes them tick, you’ll be met with kindness and, hopefully, an eye-opening conversation.
Use correct pronouns
This should fall under “don’t make assumptions”, but we felt it was important enough to call out on its own.
Pronouns are super important; we use them way more than actual names when referring to people. For that reason, it’s super important to use the correct pronouns when referring to someone and to, you guessed it, not make assumptions!
There are a few ways you can go about doing this:
- Lead with your own. When you meet someone new, start by stating your name and pronouns. There’s a good chance this will be a cue to the other person to do the same. Two things to note here: 1) know your audience. There’s a good chance that many people aren’t familiar with listing their pronouns, so gauge your audience and be willing to explain what you are doing, as well. 2) be consistent. If you meet three people in a row and only use your pronouns with one of the people, it’s going to look weird, like you were assuming the other two people’s pronouns. So just be consistent.
- Add pronouns to sign up sheets and name tags. There are tons of ways to normalize pronouns. If you’re hosting an event or a mixer, there’s bound to be a signup sheet or name tags. Use this opportunity to allow people to specify their pronouns by adding extra space. We find it best not to give a list to choose from, but instead to use an open-ended blank for people to fill in. This helps make less-mainstream pronouns feel more included.
- Wear your pronouns. If you want to be seen as truly intentional, grab yourself a pronoun pin or button to wear to mixers. As a matter of fact, our Pride Box contains a collection of cute pronoun buttons.
Educate yourself
If you’re reading this document, it means you’re already on the journey of self-education, and that makes you pretty awesome. Educating yourself means opening your mind to ideas and perspectives that you may not have been exposed to before. It means challenging the way you think and being open to new perspectives. Here are some great resources for staying educated on LGBTQ+ issues:
- The Trevor Project — The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning (LGBTQ) young people under 25.
- GLAAD — GLAAD rewrites the script for LGBTQ acceptance. As a dynamic media force, GLAAD tackles tough issues to shape the narrative and provoke dialogue that leads to cultural change.
- The Safe Zone Project — The Safe Zone Project (SZP) is a free online resource providing curricula, activities, and other resources for educators facilitating Safe Zone trainings (sexuality, gender, and LGBTQ+ education sessions), and learners who are hoping to explore these concepts on their own.
- HRC — The Human Rights Campaign represents a force of more than 3 million members and supporters nationwide. As the largest national lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer civil rights organization, HRC envisions a world where LGBTQ people are ensured of their basic equal rights and can be open, honest, and safe at home, at work, and in the community.
Take action
You’ve armed yourself with knowledge and now it’s time to do something with it. Whether it’s something big, like protesting and writing your senators, or something small like supporting local queer artists or just being a good friend to your LGBTQ+ friends, taking action can be both impactful and life-changing for everyone involved. Here are a few ways to take action in your day to day life:
- Trevor Ally Training — Trevor Ally Training is designed to create dialogue regarding what it means to be an adult ally for LGBTQ youth by informing participants about terminology used in the LGBTQ community, the process of “coming out” as an LGBTQ person and a discussion of the challenges faced by LGBT youth in their homes, schools and communities.
- PFLAG Advocacy 101 — Advocacy is a big part of the mission of PFLAG, with members and supporters working to achieve LGBTQ+ equality through changing hearts, minds, and laws. We work at the community level, at the city and state level, and at the federal level to effect change so that people who are LGBTQ+ are safe and equal in their communities.
- Straight For Equality — Since 1982, PFLAG has been a trusted resource for support, education, and advocacy on behalf of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+) community. It now represents more than 400 chapters across the United States with more than 200,000 members and supporters. The Straight for Equality program was launched in 2007. This nationwide initiative expanded the organization’s efforts to include more people in the equality movement than ever before.
Show your pride
This one can be the most fun! Spend your money at LGBTQ+ vendors and stores and visibly show your support by rocking awesome pride-themed clothing and accessories.
A great way to find LGBTQ+ supportive businesses is the HRC Buyer’s Guide, but small businesses tend to flock more to marketplaces like Etsy. Just search for “pride” or “LGBT” and see what you can find.
Oh, and then there’s the Pride Pride Pride line of items! From our LGBTQ+ greeting cards to our soon-to-be-released Pride boxes, you’ll find something great for anyone who supports the LGBTQ+ community! Check out our latest Pride Box at https://pridepridepride.com/pride-boxes/.
