Focusing To Have Successful Writing Career Makes Writing Less Meaningful

I stopped writing since then. And here is how I find a meaningful way to write again.

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Note for me:

Compared to the Indonesian version, this English version is less polished.

When I wrote this in English, it felt much different. I felt like my capacity to express my ideas was limited to my English skill. I was unaware and missed a lot of ideas. It’s fair enough since I rarely use my English skill in daily practices.

So this means when you are competent enough writing in Indonesian, it doesn’t mean you can write in English well. This is not simply how to translate your words from Indonesian to English. You have to train your brain to see and think in English.

Keep learning!

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How to be a successful writer?
How to create a captivating story?

As someone who just turned writing from a hobby into a professional career, I was wondering about these questions a lot. I wanted to be a successful writer and make money! While also I wanted to help my family finances. The Covid-19 pandemic that came in mid-2020 hit our finances hardly. And writing is the only activity that ever helped me to earn money. So I didn’t want to mess up my writing as I wanted to help relieve my family economics and become a professional writer.

I already had a plan for my first writing. As other professional writers who I know commonly write about their experiences of writing and tips of writing, so I decided to write about it too. I was looking for stories from Medium (a writing platform) about writing topics for my writing references, also for learning writing skills. Sure I got a bunch of stories.

“3 tips that help your writing not boring”
“How to make money from your writing from zero”
“How to write one story per day”

Something like those titles.

I also have had a lot of experiences of writing since college. At the end of 2020. I made 20+ stories which all got positive responses from my readers. Also, my writing skill got better. I can write a story in relatively one week. And I have a better taste in choosing words and constructing sentences.

I felt good.
But it was just until I typed the title of my writing on my laptop screen.

My thought was on my screen. I could read it. And of course, everybody will read it too! Unconsciously I pressed the “warning” button in my head. I have to be extra careful choosing my words, make sure that the words I choose are interesting and intriguing for my readers. Every time I feel bad about my words in my title, I erase and change them.

Okay, this time, the title was good. I started to write the body of my writing.
But it did not take too long. I looked back to my title, changing it again.

An hour flew away. I felt I was only changing my title. Even after a day, I didn’t get much progress. The next day it was still with the same progress. A week trying also got the same result. Then I felt my head hurt, I felt nothing, and I burned out. I stopped everything, even writing as my lovely hobby.

Looking for my lost passion in the past

When I was at college, it was the first time that I started writing. I was inspired by one of my friends who successfully published her writing on my college publisher. My lecturer showed her writing in front of the class, and I saw how everyone was wowed. Because to publish writing on the college publisher was not an easy task. And I saw her writing was inspiring too (it’s about why we should care about other people). I thought it would be cool if I could share my thought on writing and inspire people. So I started my own.

As someone who never intensively read a book and wrote before, I finished composing my first 1500 words into writing in 2 months! Of course, it was tedious for me.

I did research a lot for an idea.
I changed the writing title several times.
I was stuck constructing my paragraphs.
I was confused choosing words from my blurred mind.

But I was satisfied. I was enjoying the process of writing despite all those difficulties.

That’s my past how I enjoyed my writing process. And I wanted to experience this joy of writing again. So after contemplation, I started writing again after a long time stopped writing.

Yet, I still couldn’t feel the enjoyment.

My cold sweat started watering my forehead. My brain was blank. I didn’t know what I should write. My head felt hurt again.

I blamed my awful skill. I blamed myself.

The kids who love imperfection

As you might think, maybe I was too perfectionist, harsh, and pushing myself too much to write good words. It’s normal to make a mistake as everyone makes mistakes, no one flawless. But that makes me think, “can I enjoy imperfection?“

As you see, I had tried to write again, trying to enjoy the process of writing, but my heart couldn’t feel any enjoyment. I’m sure that to enjoy writing, you need an adequate skill to face your challenge. As theory psychology of flow states that when you have adequate skill, you will not be overwhelmed and anxious. Instead, you feel challenged and immersed since you utilize your highest skill level and still can catch up with the difficulty of your task.

But I was wrong.

One day, I got caught wondering when watching a YouTube video about education for kids. I was wondering how I was playing and learning when my childhood. Like many other kids, I loved mimicking. I tried to mimic cartoons that I watched, like Gundam, Power Rangers, and Naruto. I flew a punch here, a kick there, and swung my hand around like I held a blade. The feeling like I’m a great warrior as like as a character from I watched. I enjoyed that. But why? It’s imperfect. Why was I not anxious instead?

Yeah, those punches and kicks were not powerful and crazy as in television. But it gives hope. It’s simple, yet isn’t that clear enough that punches and kicks are similar enough with the character who I tried to mimic?

The kids are always helplessly mimicking. Though the result of what they mimic is far from good, they keep mimicking. When they’re babies, they hardly mimic what their parents say to communicate. Instead, a clear word that out from their mouth, “Aaa.. maa.. maa…” is just what they can say. Yet it’s enough to make their parent understand that this baby calling and needing them. Do you realize that babbling sound helps much the babies to communicate?

And I’m sure that they feel like speaking fluently as their parent, though they’re babbling. That’s why they keep mimicking.

This made me realize how ungrateful I was.

I could write a word.
I could write a sentence.
I could convey my idea with that word and sentence in my writing.

But instead, I want more beautiful words and more beautiful sentences. Not utilizing enough what I have. I was being hasty and ungrateful.

If you are grateful, I will surely increase you

This passage is a part of the Quran words that was helping me to remind myself to keep grateful until now. Each time if I feel wrong about my words, I stop and appreciate what I try to communicate. Because of these words, I can get my foggy idea into my consciousness. Also because of these words, I can write.

I was wondering, what if I don’t know these “bad“ words?
While my mind was muttering, I kept writing.

In the end session of writing, I read all my words on my laptop screen. Yeah, it was flawed. There were a lot of words that had a red underline. And the grammar seemed messy too. It’s the first time I wrote in English, a foreign language.

But it was readable.

Some ideas were connected by each word that was written. Though it was loosely connected, still it’s readable. I could get what I mean. I was happy and grateful for that.

Now I stop aiming for a successful writing career.
I stop obsessed to improve my writing skills.
I stop seeking more audiences and incomes.

If success means I have to be more and more, I think I’ll be stuck forever in changing my writing title. If success means inspiring people, I think I did one.

Now, I’m a professional writer like my professional writer who I dreamed of.