The 2 Rules of Giving and Receiving Advice
Author’s note: If you want to skip my intellectual masturbation and get immediately to the piece’s meat and papas, scroll down to the numbered subsections. I know I only get about 10 seconds of your time (if that), and this piece is pretty long. So get your scroll and skim on.
Why do we listen to what anyone else says about anything?
Why do we read reviews and poll our friends when researching people, places and things — knowing that certain tastes can vary wildly between individuals, even if they do sometimes align? Why is it that Podcast Celebrity A can say something that we angrily dismiss as horseshit, but then turn around and take the SAME INFORMATION as the gospel truth when said by Podcast Celebrity B?
Why do we seek and implement the teachings we hear in podcasts and books and YouTube videos?
We’re constantly seeking a better life. Even if our life is pretty good, we know it can always be better.
Always.
More than 100,000 Medium writers dish out recommendations and advice on the daily — how do we know who to listen to? Other than an internet connection and a basic grasp of writing, what qualifies them to suggest 5 Ways for Me to Break the Terrible Habits that are Ruining my Mental Health and Become the Perfect Billionaire Ultra-Marathoning Father Who Sleeps 10 Hours a Night?
Our incessant advice and recommendations to others is the flip side of the same coin. Why are we always advertising — damn near evangelizing — our latest dietary, fitness, artistic and professional endeavors and discoveries?
Why do we insist we know what others need? Next time a friend or loved one is venting about their latest struggles, see how long it takes before you’re offering (unsolicited) advice.
What makes me think that anyone cares about why I’m trying minimalist running? What makes Fernando think I give two shits about his latest uncovering of another government conspiracy? Why is Gloria letting me know that raspberries are 300% off at H-E-B? (Wait. Oh shit, thank you Gloria!)
We’re looking for connection because that validates our position. It feels good. And we genuinely want to help others because that feels good, too.
We’re proud of our lives and happy with our choices and we want others to be proud and happy (and proud and happy for us), too. Yes, some of it is validation-seeking and tribalism (which aren’t always necessarily bad), but suggestions, advice and recommendations all come from a well intentioned desire to serve.
So how do we know when to listen and when to dismiss?
How do we know when to offer advice? And how do we know when to just shut up and offer (nonverbal) support?
What qualifies someone to give advice. The short answer? Experience.
Wait, but that’s not always true either.
Isn’t the world filled with business professors who have never ran a business, using a life of academia and learned knowledge to qualify them as experts? Aren’t there drug counselors who have never had a drug problem? Following that same logic, don’t we trust a doctor’s recommendations regarding an ailment she herself has never had?
That means that advanced study can (sometimes) take the place of empirical, real world knowledge. But that’s not what this post is about. Professionals are professionals for a reason. This post is about giving/receiving advice from the vast world of online advice-givers and regular, job-quitting people like you and me.
This is about knowledge we can vouch for first-hand. Here are my two rules for giving and receiving advice. (Author’s note: See how I framed them? I’m not telling you what to do, I’m telling you what I do.)
RULE #1 — I DON’T GIVE ADVICE. IF ASKED, I ONLY SPEAK ABOUT MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE (IF I HAVE ANY).
I offer my experience rather than my advice.
This is the golden rule. I can tell you what I did and what happened because of it, but I can’t guarantee doing the same will have a similar impact on your life. “I did x and y happened” is a more realistic and honest approach than “Do x and y will happen.” It’s an honesty thing.
NOTE: This ALSO applies to offering the advice of others, even if they are professionals. “Well, Brené Brown says…” No, thank you, nope. The rules still apply. Brené Brown’s advice may apply to me in this particular situation, but it could be the exact wrong thing you need to hear at that moment.
I don’t give unsolicited advice.
If people don’t ask for my input on a specific situation, I shouldn’t give it. This doesn’t mean that I’m a dead conversational fish. I will by all means engage, debate and opine, but I’m going to make sure to clearly label my opinions as such. If I have experience with the matter I can talk about what I’ve done in similar situations. But I need to catch myself before saying anything that begins with “You should…” A tricky thing to do in the world of advice-giving blogs (*cough Medium cough*) .
I make sure I consider the consequences of said advice.
Telling someone to leave a relationship or a job can have life-altering consequences. Making suggestions regarding a person’s emotional or mental health can lead to long-lasting damage or in the case of addiction, even death. If necessary (and it often is), I need to qualify myself as not being qualified if someone asks for my advice. Again, I can only speak about MY experience.
I remember that everyone is different. People take different paths to arrive at the same place.
What works for you may not work for me and vice versa. Stress-testing and second opinions are vital to decision making. I need to remember that we’re all different. Results may vary.
RULE #2 — I ONLY LISTEN TO THE ADVICE OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE WHAT I WANT.
This is the inverse of Rule #1. I only take advice from those who’ve given me reason to ask for it.
If someone has nice teeth, I’ll ask them about their hygiene routine and dentist (no, that’s not weird). If they can run farther than me or faster than me, I’ll inquire about their training (while keeping in mind that just because it worked for them doesn’t mean it’ll work for me, see above).
Similarly, I’m not going to trust the pastry recommendations of someone with six-pack abs.
If someone has something I want, I want to know how they got it.
How did you achieve this thing I want to achieve? How did you master this thing I want to learn?
What are you doing that I can also do, in order to also get what you have?
This can be perverted and taken to extremes, such as celebrity worship or unrealistic expectations about the amount of work (and time) required to achieve something. But it can also be a great motivator, if a pragmatic approach is taken.
Maybe someone can’t achieve Kardashian-like fame, but that doesn’t mean that a Kardashian-like entrepreneurial drive and ambition won’t serve them. No matter how much someone dislikes the Kardashians, their ability to capitalize on circumstance can’t be denied.
Yes, there’s something to be learned from everyone. But we get to choose who we actively seek to learn from.
BONUS RULE #3 — EVERYONE HAS SOME KIND OF ADVICE TO OFFER
Sometimes advice from a beginner is more valuable than advice from a master. Sometimes the advice of someone closer to our current position in our journey provides more benefits than the advice of someone much farther along.
These are the essential foundations of a community. Teaching, learning and interacting with others on the same path.
In 12 step programs, helping the newcomer is considered one of the most important things a person can do to maintain their recovery.
“I’ve only been sober for 1 month!” a member might protest. “I can barely help myself, how can I help the newcomer?!”
But the newcomer is much more likely to relate to the struggles of someone with 30 days of sobriety than they are to someone with 30 years of sobriety.
The same concept applies to everything. To the beginning musician, the advice of someone with intermediate skill may be more useful than a master because they still have a more vivid understanding of being a beginner than the virtuoso teacher.
We all have knowledge we need to share and information we need to seek. We just need to know when and how to share it, and when and from who to receive it.
