What is Grief and How to Handle It

Grief is a complicated thing and is different for everyone. The Oxford Languages Dictionary defines grief as “deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death” in noun form, and “trouble or annoyance” in an informal sense. But grief is not simply defined, it is a personal experience for each person that goes through the process of grieving. While researching grief, I came across a couple of beautiful and simple ways to define grief. On a blog called “What is Your Grief?”, they wrote “Grief is love”, “grief is love with no place to go”, “what is grief, if not love persevering?”, “grief is the price we pay for love”. Although grief is not always love, but rather the absence of love, sometimes there can be peace after the grief. We often struggle with grief because we do not understand why we are in the position of grief. The blame game begins, and sometimes it can cause us to spiral, which can lead to a dark place of depression and other mental health issues that only compound the grief. Other effects of unresolved grief are hostility, irritability, and agitation towards someone connected to the loss of your loved one, whether they had a role in the death or not. More importantly, when you are unable to process grief, you are at risk of withdrawing from your loved ones who are typically your support system, you may lose trust in others, and worst of all, you run the risk of not being able to sleep at night due to the fear of being alone. Lack of sleep is not healthy for someone experiencing everyday life but can be detrimental to those who are in the grieving process. Getting sleep during this process is crucial because it helps heal your emotions. Lack of sleep during grieving can also affect your physical well-being as well. There is so much healing done while you sleep, so it is important to prioritize your rest and listen to your body when it’s telling you to slow down and get some sleep.

Louise Knowles, head of Mental Health and Psychological Therapy Services at the University of Sheffield, talks about the three R’s of grief and loss. The three R’s are recognition, remembering, and rebuilding. Recognition is simply that, recognizing the loss you have experienced. This takes place in the early phase of the grieving process. In the recognition phase, it is important to allow yourself to feel all the different feelings correlated with grief, such as anger, sadness, relief, scared, loneliness, and more. The second R is remembering. This can be a painful but happy part of the process. In this phase, you focus on remembering the good memories and begin to process the loss. Allow others to take part in this process so that you have the opportunity to express your feelings and have the support you need to truly make it through. Remembering by going through pictures, videos, and sharing stories helps you to externalize what you are feeling and can help you move forward on the path to healing. This is not meant to be an overnight process and can take weeks to even years to fully recover from grief. The last R is rebuilding. This is the period in the grieving process when you readjust to your new way of life. If you lost a loved one, such as your spouse or partner, you are no longer the person you were before, and that is because the process of grief changes you. In the re-building stage, people often feel the need to change everything about their lives, such as selling their house and moving somewhere new, and some may feel the desire to seek out a new relationship. Everyone experiences grief differently, and it is important to remember that this is your personal grief, and you are the one who gets to decide what you will do with it. Although making big decisions and changes may feel like the best option for some, it is not always the best way to go about it. Grief can cause people to make irrational decisions, therefore, it is best to start making changes in smaller steps. Start with picking up a new hobby, rearrange the furniture in the house, or create a space to set up photos in memory of the loved one you lost. Louise Knowles makes note that loss is a lifelong process and that there is no standard way of handling loss or grief. Using the three R’s may be a useful resource for some, but not for others. But the biggest takeaway from her article is that there is a process to grief, and though it may be different for everyone, making rational decisions and taking care of yourself is important for any type of grieving process.

As I mentioned previously, everyone grieves differently, and that means that not everyone will grieve at the same pace. Some people struggle with their inner feelings and emotions longer than others and may need more time to process it all for themselves before they are open to the idea of letting others in. It is common for those who are in the grieving process to handle the initial wave of support that has stopped. Preparing funeral arrangements, gathering as a family, and other activities that typically take place directly following the loss requires some support, but the person at the center of the loss may need more time for themselves to process before they are ready and willing to reach out for help or additional support. Sometimes this may be due to the feeling of being a burden or sounding like a broken wheel, or because they have decided to hide the way that the grief and loss have changed them. If you are a loved one who is wanting to help support someone through this process, remember that the best thing for you to do is to show up, whether in person, on the phone, sending meals, or however, you show your support and show them that you are there for long-term support. It is easy to burn yourself out while trying to be supportive of your loved one, especially when you were important in the life that was lost, so remember that while you are supporting the one in need, you must also take care of yourself. Consistency is key when it comes to long-term support, and if you allow yourself to burnout, then you will do more harm than good, for both you and the other person you are there to support. Another important thing is to pay attention to the important dates, such as the birthday of the loved one that passed away, their anniversary, holidays, and other important dates that may be triggering for the loved one you are supporting. These are the times when the support system should rally together and use that time to reflect on the good times that were had on those days in the past. These are the days that the person grieving needs the support the most.

From a counseling perspective, grief therapy has the potential to help grieving individuals feel free to express their emotions and feelings without the fear of judgment and repercussions. If you participate in grief counseling directly following the loss of your loved one, it has the ability to help you navigate the immediate aftermath of the loss, and assist you in making practical decisions, such as funeral arrangements and things that are a priority at that time. Grief counseling is not a one-and-done counseling session. It is meant to be used to help you through each stage of the grieving process at your own pace and assist you in adapting to life without your loved one. This is not an easy process to go through, especially without a strong support system, and that is why grief counseling is such a beneficial resource. There are many forms of grief therapy, and based on how you are handling the grieving process, you will be assigned a particular type of grief therapy. The first type is just grief therapy. This is for those who just need help moving through the process and learning how to go on without their loved ones. The next type of grief therapy is complicated grief therapy. This form of grief therapy is typically for those who simply cannot move on from their grief and begin to experience things such as troubling thoughts, dysfunctional behaviors, and the inability to regulate their emotions. The last type of grief therapy is traumatic grief therapy. This form of grief therapy is typically used in the circumstance of an unexpected death or the witness of a loved one’s death. Individuals who have experienced a traumatic loss and been there to see it happen or it was very unexpected usually require a more intense form of grief therapy, such as traumatic grief therapy. This has the potential to help individuals deal with the intensity of the grief they are experiencing while reducing the symptoms of the trauma, and then provide them with the necessary coping skills needed to properly process this traumatic loss. Grief therapy uses many different techniques throughout the process, enabling the individual to process their grief in a healthy manner and helping avoid any irreversible damage that may be done if not handled accordingly.

It is so important to remember that although it may be difficult to express your feelings, whether to yourself or with others, it is an important part of the grieving process. Unresolved feelings and emotions can lead to many issues and have the potential to do so much damage in your life. You have already been through enough by losing someone you loved and so it is important to remember that you need to take care of yourself. Your loved one would not want to see you suffering and ruining your life due to their passing. The best thing you can do is to live a life worthy of theirs’ and honor them throughout the rest of your life. Keep their memory alive by talking about them, sharing memories, and celebrating those special days you shared together with the ones you both loved. This may feel like a daunting task in the beginning, but it is all part of the process, you just have to be willing to do your part. If you find yourself unable to move on and are stuck in sadness and loneliness, reach out for help. There are so many resources available to you, waiting for you to ask. No matter what, you are not alone. Remember that this is a process, and we as humans were not meant to go through this alone.