Part 2 // Understanding Stalking

At one time or another, most people experience the “Crazy-X”. Even if you’ve never had a Crazy-X, chances are high that you’ve listened to one of your friends drone on about theirs.

This wasn’t a case of just a Crazy-X; this was a crazy, creepy ex that I worried would kill me when I least expected it.

No matter where I went, he wasn’t far behind. If I was simply at home, it wasn’t long until I’d see him circling my house like a shark circles its prey. At night, the moon silhouetted his figure just beyond my fence. And those weren’t the only methods he used.

I needed help.

While eating lunch at my desk at work, I turned to the internet and found that every state has its own definition of stalking. I’m not even close to being an attorney, but I read the law and figured out that what was happening to me fit the criminal definition of stalking.

What do I need to file a police report?

Stalking resources on the internet suggests various things which I will relate to my own experience, since I’m not a professional:

1. Issue a “no contact” notice

2. Identify stalking behaviors

3. Keep an incident log to demonstrate the pattern of behavior

4. Be able to articulate to authorities why you feel fear

Issue a “no contact” notice

At first, the stalking behavior was annoying. Irritating, even. I ignored him and acted as though he didn’t exist in my world. But this tactic didn’t work.

I was out with a group of friends one evening when the stalker came in, spewing his venomous hatred toward me. Luckily, one of the guys in the group was an attorney. He advised that I issue a “no contact” notice to the stalker, specifically advising that any contact from him is unwelcome.

“Be sure you don’t block him.”

“Why not?”

“Because any contact after you’ve issued the notice could be considered harassment at a minimum. Don’t block his phone calls, his texts or any of his social media accounts. Let him incriminate himself.”

Great, I have to leave myself wide open.

The no contact notice was issued and ignored by the stalker. A second notice was issued which detailed how he violated the first one and, again, ignored. A third was issued also detailing how he violated the second one, and — you guessed it — ignored.

When I showed my notices to the police and how he’d ignored my requests, I was met with skepticism.

“This is a small town, and it was probably a coincidence that he showed up where you were at.”

“What about when he was in my backyard?”

“Do you have proof?”

“Nothing other than these grainy photos of a silhouette.”

Dead end.

I would later learn from the prosecutor that any incidents I’d experienced before the first notice was issued could not be considered in the criminal case of stalking. Only instances from the date of the first notice could be considered part of the pattern required to prove stalking.

Identify stalking behaviors

Chances are, if you’re Goggling for stalking resources you’ve already identified the stalking behaviors. But it’s always good to educate yourself and know what to look out for, besides the obvious.

One afternoon, my phone rang. The caller ID showed my name and phone number, which I thought was odd, so I answered. The voice on the other end of the line — the stalker. I learned there is a process called “spoofing” which can alter called IDs that I was completely unaware of.

Keep an incident log to demonstrate the pattern of behavior

There are many different types of incident logs you can download if your technology is safe. Unfortunately for me, as the camera technician explained, the stalker likely messed with my network at some point, installing a back door into my system that I’d never be able to find.

Armed with a clipboard, pen, and paper I sat down at my kitchen table with receipts I’d saved from every business the stalker showed up at. I used these to start my log with the date, time, location, and name of the business. I never documented the circling my house and backyard sighting incidents, but I also knew it wouldn’t take long for it to happen again.

I had to live life as the target of a stalker while I added incidents to my log. I took pictures of him in my backyard that were dark and grainy, but the best I could do in the dim moonlight. I took pictures from my rearview mirror of him following me. I took pictures of him watching me as I lifted groceries off the shelf and placed them in my shopping cart. I took pictures of him parked near my car. Watching. Waiting.

Be able to articulate to authorities why you feel fear

Context is key in articulating fear.

“The world would be a better place if you just weren’t in it,” the stalker once said to me.

That sentence on its own doesn’t necessarily translate to “I’m going to kill you” but when you pair it with the behaviors documented in the log, it adds an ominous element.

I went back to pen and paper and started yet another list. Every sentence started with “I feel fear because…” and whenever I felt fear, I would write why. It’s important that you capture what induced the fear (i.e. he was circling my house).

In communicating fear, it’s important to remember sensory detail. The racing heart, the shaking hands, the fast and shallow breaths.

An update on “context is key” in articulating fear

On June 27, 2023, the Supreme Court issued a decision as it relates to context. Essentially, the standard for what constitutes a threat was redefined in this decision based on the stalking case Counterman v. Colorado. According to court records, Whalen received hundreds of messages over a two-year period such as: “You’re not being good for human relations. Die.”

After hearing all the evidence, Billy Raymond Counterman was convicted of stalking. He filed an appeal, asserting his first amendment right to free speech. The Supreme Court’s decision vacated the conviction and remanded the case back to the lower court, requiring the state to show Counterman was aware his statements could be construed by Whalen as a threat.

While this decision came a few years after my case resulted in a conviction, it was this mindset of law enforcement that I was up against. “I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way,” was a common response when I’d talk about my fear of the stalker.

How do you prove the man stalking you is aware his statements are being construed a threat? I have no answer for this one and the Supreme Court didn’t exactly provide a guidebook, either.

Note: I refer to the perpetrator as “the” stalker and never as “my” stalker. The use of the word “my” makes me feel like I’m taking ownership over him becoming my stalker — the same way I own my car, my house or have my dog.

Click here for Part 3 // Understanding Stalking — a 5-part series … follow me on Medium to see my latest articles.

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