Looking Past the Disease by Looking at the Past: Meme’s Story Part 6
Hello, everyone! This is a continuation of my medium series to raise the awareness of Alzheimer’s and Dementia. My paternal grandmother, Wanda or “Meme” as we call her, started showing signs of the disease in August 2020, later being moved to a long term care facility in January 2022. I try to update this blog every week, but I had gallbladder surgery last week, and before that, I’m not quite sure what I was doing…. (Anyway, thought I’d add some humor and more lively introductions).
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and Part 5 are found at the aforementioned links.
If I was a cursing lady, which I hate to admit, sometimes I am. I would say this: F*** Alzheimer’s and Dementia. This disease just purely sucks, which is why sometimes my blogs can become depressing. It’s not a fun thing to go through; just got to handle it the best way you can.
And in raising awareness of this disease, it’s easy to get lost in the array of symptoms from paranoia and hallucinations to frequent illnesses and mood swings. There are a couple of things that my sisters have discussed, and that is how we want our grandmother to be remembered. One thing we decided was that no matter how hard this had got, we didn’t want her, the real her get lost within the disease.
Even though we know she will eventually retreat into a shell of herself, even though she may not remember when we visit, we want to remember the real her. So many forget that when you are looking into an elderly person’s eyes’, there is a person there. Whether it be a caring teacher, housewife, military veteran, or activist, they have a story and family that loves them.
So, for this blog, I will be writing all about my grandmother. And just a heads up, that this may end up going into another part. I could talk for days about how kind, caring, and strong my grandmother is.
Remembering my grandmother as a person means at times to look beyond and understand where the true person is and where the diseased person ends. On bad days, that can be extremely difficult when your loved one becomes extremely disoriented or confused about some things or are hallucinating that their room is on fire or they are talking to people that aren’t there. But, there are special moments that sometimes shine through, especially on the good days. I can see the bright eyes of my grandmother and can almost see every thread of her 90 years in those eyes.
And now, to sum up the good and grand things about my grandmother. From stories that she has told me before. If I could give three words about her, they would be: family, strength, and compassion. My grandmother was all about the importance of family, most likely because she had witnessed familial strife in her own maiden family and some family squabbles with the family she married into. She passed on this importance of family to me, my sisters, and my father. What we learned was that people, neighbors, and friends can be your family.
During her 90 years as a housewife/homemaker (it was the 1960s people), she would frequently open her home as a safe haven for children and teens that my father, uncle, or aunt knew. She treated these children as if they were her own, and in a way, she was a second mother to a lot of them. Most of them were my aunt, uncle, and father’s classmates. So much so, that she and my grandfather opened a restaurant for teens to go to in town (Teen Village). There is a pretty big story around the establishment, but I’ll reserve that for another time.
She cared for her father in law when he had cancer. She made get-togethers her whole life for anniversaries, birthdays, graduation parties, and the like. Some folks in town may have started wild rumors about the home that was always filled with life. I guess they just couldn’t understand such generosity and kindness of the husband and wife that lived there. Her family always came first to her. She took my aunt, uncle, and seven year old father with her on her lambretta scooter (albeit not comfortably) while running errands. Somehow that’s very difficult for me to picture.
She also had a wild streak on her; from flipping off my grandfather while they were dating (she would be appalled I’m telling that one), to hopping on a motorcycle to escape the school principal who was close to catching her playing hooky. Okay, so maybe riding the lambretta with three children doesn’t seem that farfetched….
I still find her strength to be incredible. She scrubbed hard wood floors by hand, while she was 7 months pregnant with my uncle. She was a full time caregiver to my grandfather in his final days. She took care of her own son, who died of leukemia within a year of my grandfather’s death. Not only was she a housewife, but she was a member of the PTA and worked as a telephone operator for a while. She even helped them raise money for a new AC system in the elementary school. To her, having children go to school without air, especially near the summer months, was awful!
She also worked part-time at The Elms Café, where most of her tips went toward buying new band outfits or football stuffs for her children attending school. And any lip she received by men folk was frequently dealt with; she once threatened to hit a guy upside the head for touching one of the waitresses. So yeah, not your typical 1960s housewife. XD
This compassionate, strong, and familial nature was not lost on my sisters and I growing up. She frequently picked us up from school most of our lives, and we enjoyed getting breadsticks from the local gas station. One day on our fourteenth birthday, we came to her house from school. And in her kitchen hung a “Happy Birthday” banner. And below, on the counter was a three layer homemade buttercream cake! So, yeah, she’s been a role model for most of my life, even when I was a pre-mature baby.
As I’ve said before, my sisters and I are triplets and we were born two months early. As such, we were all premature and had to stay in the hospital for long periods of time. Even as a newborn, she frequently talked to me the most as I was the sickest. (I’d say it was because I was her favorite, but she never made a difference in us three :) She felt Dr. Manwright looking over her shoulder, and said “You think I’m crazy, don’t you?” Dr. Manwright replied: “Nope, that’s exactly what she needs.” Since that time as I got better, my grandmother could swear that I knew the sound of her voice. I guess I did, as I even have saved recorded messages of her voice on my phone. For I never know when will be the last time I hear it.
That’s what makes her having dementia so heartbreaking. The woman that I have come to know and love, the woman that was always there for me, and the woman who always knew exactly what to say, now had no idea what she was seeing or saying. In the words of my sister, the last thing she said to her (before moving into the facility was): “if you don’t have anything else, or nobody else in the world, I’ll always be your friend and take care of you.” And if that quote in her own words doesn’t sum up her own life, I don’t know what does.
“For how do I get through anything?” my sister asked. “By just looking at her.” And that is the truth. She’s lost so much from her husband, daughter, son, and many siblings. She’s gone through a lot, and if she doesn’t get to heaven, then no one will, as I always say.
And so, my family, father, sisters and I have to get used to this “new” relationship with our grandmother. Even, if she thinks she’s on the moon, then I’ll play along and float with her.
Part 7 can be found here.
I’m also raising money for the Walk to End Alzheimer’s Event held in Jonesboro, Arkansas on October 15th. Please consider donating to our team page. I’m currently thinking of selling bracelets as well for those that donate!
To all those fighting Dementia and Alzheimer’s,
All My Best,
Kelsey ❤