The stench makes my head spin; thankfully, and dreadfully, I’m flat on my back. Every bump in the road shoves a different breed of disgust up my nostrils. My throat’s a bile volcano. The constant burning is a reminder that I’m running on empty. …

The perfect day to say what you need to say — Love (or dirty laundry) is in the air! The perfect time has arrived! February 14th is the day to drop the shit you need to say. K Kards help Cupid saintly slaughter Valentine’s Day! Warning: The following cards are not meant to treat or diagnose any relationship. K Kards create…

Red, blue, orange, blah. Hiking trails have the most boring names. Wouldn’t you rather slide down The Cock Trail like a snail or hop on like Peter Cottontail? If you’re looking for a wilderness expert’s (lame) review of hiking trails, you’re lost. …

I hope you’re nut tasting in the big house — Dearest Psycho, Congrats, Jerr-Bear! I didn’t think you had the balls to jump to the front of the line. Impressive! Let’s celebrate your accomplishment! 🏆 I never thought you’d beat Jean (hater in an elevator is real) to the job. That bitch hated me. In fact, she’s the only person…

Wasted vs. Sober — Life is so much better without hangovers. What a novel fuckin’ concept, huh? My sober social skills suck, in-person and online. It’s like I actually stop and think about my actions if I’m not swimming in invincible juice. …

Where’s the compass? Srini: Follow me! — Showing up fashionably late to a party empty-handed is only acceptable if you’re Srini 😎. What is wrong with you? You could’ve at least brought a barge of tequila or something. 😜 Anyway, welcome aboard the Srini ship! …

50-word Story: Animate your life — I mutter an equivalent of sufferin’ succotash (for fuck’s sake) every day. I’m a little Looney Tunes, laughing away life’s pain. My dog has a puddy cat personality, one tweet and she gets her way. The cage door was left wide open, and this cat is here to stay. Meow! …