Good morning mortal.
Oh wait, you can’t hear me. You are still ensnared in that web of sleep. Dreaming dreams, instead of pursuing them.
I used to be you. I’d slumber until the last possible second every morning. I was deeply unhappy, as you are. I could never find the time to do anything I wanted. Then I read an article claiming all successful people get up early. I decided to give it a try.
Waking up at five in the morning changed my life. Suddenly I had energy that I’d never had before. …
Sometimes we see drama on social media over a sexist ad. Yet, no matter how egregious we think that ad is, it probably will never be as sexist as those from the mid-century. Some of these ads are so insanely out-of-date that you need a modern translator to explain what they are really saying.
Here are some not-so-serious takes.
Like horses? Well, you won’t like this one. Mostly because it’s not really a horse. It’s a kelpie, a Scottish water spirit. It doesn’t want to trot across picturesque hills with you. It’s goal is to drown you, and everyone you love.
Kelpies lurk in the waters of Scotland, attempting to draw in the unwary. Their favorite victims are children. Today parents might warn kids not to take candy from strangers. Back in the 1800s, mothers would call after their rambunctious children, in a lilting Scottish accent, “Be careful now! And don’t jump on any strange horse’s back just because…
Last night we had a big storm. It was so powerful that it knocked out electricity for a bit. When the power first went down, I already had candles lit because that’s just who I am. I wandered downstairs with a candle to check on everyone. Unfortunately, I forgot I was wearing a long, white, frilly summer dress. Without meaning to I became the Victorian ghost I was always meant to be.
I say it all the time, but I’ll say it again because it’s never not true. Thanks for reading and supporting this little humor publication and…
Before Halloween became a night of candy and costumes, it was a night to stay indoors. Throughout the 1800 and early 1900s, people would gather in large groups for an indoor party. Instead of scaring each other, they would use the time to play games. Sure, there were your average games of tag for the young children. But the older girls had different kinds of pastimes in mind. They played high stakes games that promised to divine their romantic future. Games for Hallow-e’en by Mary E. …
Hey! Eurydice here. After spending several centuries working through my feelings toward my ex while drifting endlessly in the river Styx, I’m ready to get back out there. As in out of here, the underworld, to once again date in the world of the living.
Since you’ve stumbled upon my dating profile I’d like to tell you more about my situation. Forgive me if this isn’t how the other girls do it, I know I’m late to the game. The internet connection down here in the underworld is spotty at best. …
Subject Line: We noticed you noticing us!
We couldn’t help but notice you browsing our website. In particular the goblin-core fashion section. Look at you, being on-trend! To make things easier for you we’ve taken the liberty of compiling several outfits that will fit that aesthetic you’re going for. Happy shopping!
Subject Line: We noticed you noticing our email about you noticing us
Yesterday we sent you an email. Not a pushy one, merely a quick friendly letter that would have helped you find the dress/pants/shoes of your goblin dreams. Dreams perfectly tailored to…
It’s been a busy week! Besides work, projects, and writing a bunch I’ve also rewritten the submission guidelines for Jane Austen’s Wastebasket to give clearer details for how to (and what to) submit. I love receiving and reading all of your funny content, so please don’t hesitate to send me your stuff. But please check out those guidelines before you do.
And, as always, thanks for reading and supporting this little humor publication.
Breadcrumbing is a term those of us on dating apps know all too well. Taken from Hansel and Gretel, it represents the idea of creating a trail of “crumbs” that are supposed to lead the recipient to believe that someone wants more than friendship. But, as if birds ate it up, the trail disappears, leaving one that recipient confused and lost.
What you may not realize is there are many terms relationship seekers should be aware of when entering the dating pool to find their own happily ever after. And, like breadcrumbing, they too are inspired by fairytales.
There is a misconception that the only purpose of a woman is to raise an alligator. As if by some genetic disposition she is incomplete unless she brings one into her home and nurtures it into a healthy adult capable of killing water buffalo on its own. However, it is not the 1800's anymore. Women can do more than run a house for a cold-blooded reptile. I have other goals that don’t involve alligators to give me purpose. Just because I have hands that could throw chickens into the gator’s pen, doesn’t mean I have to use them for such…