Satire

Thank you, Twitter doctors, for opening my glaze-encrusted eyes.

Dear Twitter Doctors Who Are Freaking Out about Donuts,

Thank you, Twitter Doctors, for your profound and shocking insight that donuts are not, in fact, a health food. Until you scolded Krispy Kreme’s free-donut-for-the-vaccinated promotion, I was under the impression that donuts were fruits. Because what is a donut hole if not a discarded donut pit?

You see, I am a fat person. As such, I am very stupid. That’s just math. Before your blessed intervention, my fat brain only knew “donuts=tasty.” I was not aware that “donuts=sometimes food.” Frankly, I thought that sometimes foods were just a lie cooked…


Humor

Perfect female subjugation, every time.

Photo by Yulian Karadzhov on Unsplash

Ingredients

105lbs beautiful, successful City Girl who feels unfulfilled

120–140lbs sidekick, preferably Gay Man™ or Married Woman™ brand

1 contrivance to drive our heroine from the city to a small town, preferably family- or holiday-related

170lbs Hunky Townie who has something to teach an ambitious City Girl about love and family

2 tons snowflakes (DO NOT substitute sunshine. Christmas only comes to wintry small towns.)

74 Christmas trees

1oz hidden talent for something domestic and non-threatening (Baking, interior decorating, shopkeeping, or photography would all work well here.)

2tbs flour, for dusting

Directions

  1. Cream together City Girl and contrivance until successful…


HUMOR

We are delighted to welcome you to our new employee clinical trial program!

Photo by Emin BAYCAN on Unsplash.

To: staff@regeneron.com
From: Leonard.Schleifer@regeneron.com
Subject: A Clinical Trial Opportunity from Your Regeneron CEO
10/12/2020 11:37AM

Dear Regeneron family,

On behalf of the Regeneron leadership team, I am delighted to inform you that we have elected to enroll all Regeneron staff in a clinical trial of the REGN-COV2 Antibody Cocktail. Each of you will receive the same COVID-19 cure as the President of the United States.

As you know, we are seeking emergency use authorization from the FDA for REGN-COV2. Some scientists have criticized our 275-person trial and one beautiful anecdote, saying they may not be sufficient for approval. By conducting…


Thank you for holding families accountable for their kindergartner’s level of interest in conference calls.

Photo by Thomas Park on Unsplash

Dear Virtual School Attendance Policy,

It is great to see you back to your old self after last spring’s debacle. I trust that your drinking days are behind you and that you will be counting my kindergartner’s attendance accurately, consistently, and ruthlessly from here on out. Virtual kindergarten is no different than in-person kindergarten, and I am delighted you will be holding families accountable for their five-year-old’s level of interest in conference calls.

I just have a few clarifying questions to ensure that my family does not inadvertently run afoul of your rules, Virtual School Attendance Policy. You say my…


HUMOR

New Options for Building Use

Photo by Free To Use Sounds on Unsplash

Dear Fairfax families,

In the weeks since I announced that Fairfax County Public Schools (FCPS) will be going all-virtual for the fall semester, I have heard from many families supporting my decision. However, a significant minority of parents in our community seem to be completely losing their sh*t.

It has come to my attention that some FCPS parents make less than my $311,526 per year Superintendent salary and therefore lack access to a full-time nanny, governess, and/or housewife to support their children’s virtual education. I have also heard disturbing reports that some families may choose to disenroll from FCPS. That…


Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

Q: I need my children to go to school so I can work. How are you going to help working parents?
A: School is not childcare. You should have planned to be visited by all four horsemen of the apocalypse simultaneously while holding down a full-time job without childcare BEFORE you chose to have children.

Q: I am a teacher and a parent. How can I provide full-time online instruction to my students while caring for my own children?
A: See above.

Q: I don’t feel qualified to homeschool my children. What supports will the state be providing? A: Distance…


People30 isn’t like the other 30-day diet challenges.

Photo by Guilaume Jaillet on Unsplash

Courtney Donner

April 23

I don’t know about you, but I could use a little boost before bikini season. That’s why, on May 1, I’m starting fresh with People30.

People30 isn’t like the other 30-day diet challenges. There are no gimmicks, no tricks, no expensive powders to buy. You just eat people for 30 days. It’s that simple, and that hard.

Let’s do this together! Hit me up in the comments if you want more info.

#cleaneating #healthylife #people30


We have decided to exclude disgusting germbucket children from The Great Reopening, so you can shop safe!

Photo by Piron Guillaume on Unsplash.

Congratulations, adult! Our state’s economy is re-opening. You may now get the haircut, manicure, or awkward dine-in restaurant meal you have been dreaming of for the past eight weeks. You can even have the Chinese character for suffering tattooed on your left butt cheek to memorialize this time of phenomenal inconvenience. Your new tattoo will remind you to never again allow the government curtail your God-given to try to kill yourself and others.

And good news! You won’t encounter any annoying young children on your ventures out into The Economy. We have decided to exclude those disgusting germbuckets from The…


Sorry, kids, The Game of Life isn’t fair.

Image Copyright: Hasbro (Fair use). Edited by Laura Skopec.

The Game of Life: Spin the wheel and embark on a roller-coaster adventure of family, surprise infections, and crushing disappointments. Will your family vacation be canceled? Will you spend your final semester of college locked in your parents’ basement doing all the homework but having none of the fun? Will your parents die? Sorry, kids, The Game of Life isn’t fair.

Hungry, Hungry Hippos: Prepare for a feeding frenzy when you release just one marble onto the game base. …


In quarantine, I am embracing chaos once again.

Photo by Luma Pimentel on Unsplash

I have been thinking about my son’s birth while we have been trapped together in quarantine. The shock of it, the disorientation. I hear echoes of that day in our current predicament. Fear tinged with gratitude. Deep connection paired with deep isolation.

My son’s birth was not beautiful. It was chaotic. As he grew, we constructed some semblance of order from play dates, sports, and preschool. But the pandemic has shattered our illusion of control. The chaos has swallowed us again.

I learned a lot about parenting while giving birth to my son, but I sometimes lost sight of those…

Laura Skopec

Laura Skopec is a writer, researcher, and comedian based in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s and Slackjaw.

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