Congratulations! We here at Mercy Hospital are proud to have been part of your birth experience. We understand that, while all births are beautiful and life-affirming, not all go 100% as planned (your birth plan was very cute, though!). …

On Friday, December 10 at 1 pm, the Creekside Elementary PTA will host its annual “Winter Skate FUNdraiser.” “It’s a treasured annual tradition,” said Creekside Elementary PTA President Karen Crock of the event. “And it’s for a great cause — to raise funds for our Spring Carnival fundraiser.” Some Creekside…

Vote so hard your grandma feels it! — Look, I’ll be honest, team. We’re getting creamed out there. Republicans are running the field. And we only have one group to blame. Our voters. Those cockwaffles completely screwed us. Record-breaking turnout, my left nutsack. Those lazy dickbiscuits simply aren’t voting hard enough, and they fucking know it. Yeah, yeah…

Do you know how many people die in snapping turtle attacks every year? — “Oh, she’s afraid of snapping turtles,” my sister said, waving toward my niece, whose face was buried in a smartphone. My sister, ever the scientist, was helping her daughter research snapping turtles to show her there was nothing to be afraid of. I briefly wondered if irrational fear was genetic…

Do you really want Mr. Giggles the Hyena to go hungry so Blake can afford some dumpy studio in Silver Lake? — I believe a living wage is a human right. As an influencer who grew up with nothing but a Beverly Hills mansion and my daddy’s connections, I know what it is to struggle to pay for basic necessities like daily blowouts, hand-picked organic hop shoots, and sports bras made from…

This obligatory “free” training session is not going to end well. — “Let’s just get your body fat percentage real quick,” the perky trainer at my local gym says, presenting me with a device that looks a bit like a handheld gaming system. I hesitate. “Won’t hurt a bit,” she prods. I take a deep breath, willing myself to do the right…

I did not expect that my first two years as a parent would require me to acknowledge my own mortality, and worse, my son’s. — Pediatric Hematology and Oncology is not a place any parent wants to find themselves. The décor is relentlessly cheerful, like an overactive air freshener trying to cover up the smell of death. But it was not the smiling monkeys or sunshine-yellow walls that got to me. It was the nurses.

We seek accelerated approval for use in treating that most dreaded Alzheimer’s symptom, an overabundance of cash. — Dear FDA Regulators, In light of your decision to grant accelerated approval to Biogen’s new Alzheimer’s drug, Aduhelm, Snake Oil, Inc. hereby requests that you reconsider your refusal to approve our patented homeopathic Alzheimer’s cure, Lostkeys. You rejected our original application because Lostkeys, “doesn’t work.” …

Thank you, Twitter doctors, for opening my glaze-encrusted eyes. — Dear Twitter Doctors Who Are Freaking Out about Donuts, Thank you, Twitter Doctors, for your profound and shocking insight that donuts are not, in fact, a health food. Until you scolded Krispy Kreme’s free-donut-for-the-vaccinated promotion, I was under the impression that donuts were fruits. …