Digital Care Kit for Grieving

Photo by Alex Green

I’ve spent the past several years creating Speaking Grief, a learning resource that works to create a more grief-aware society. As part of the making of this project, I’ve read dozens of books, listened to many hours of podcasts, watched loads of videos, interviewed nearly one hundred grieving people from across the country, and talked with some of the leading professionals in this field. Because of this, I’ve ended up with a sort of mental rolodex of resources related to grief. In an effort to, hopefully, spare you some of the mental burden of searching for this stuff, I’ve consolidated some of my favorite content and shared it below. Some of the resources are things I created/helped create while others are tools that I’ve come across in my quest to better understand and support grief.

I’m so sorry if you find yourself needing any of these because it means you’re probably carrying something heavy. There may not be anything I can do to lighten your load, but I can at least offer the service of my grief rolodex. I hope that in this digital care kit you’re able to find one or two things that help you make sense of your experience and maybe even help you find some moments of peace.

Photo by Caio

Books:

• It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Megan Devine — If you need a place to begin, this is where I’d start. It’s written by a grieving person (who also happens to be a psychotherapist) for grieving people. It’s honest, real, concise, and practical. I’ve gifted it to many a grieving friend.
• Your Grief, Your Way: A Year of Practical Guidance and Comfort After Loss by Shelby Forsythia — This book is written for the grieving brain, with short sections, easy to digest passages, and practical suggestions. Shelby writes with compassion and wisdom; her words help the reader feel seen and understood. This book is a gift and a comfort and I’ve implemented a number of Shelby’s suggestions in my own life.
• Beautiful and Terrible Things: A Christian Struggle with Suffering, Grief, and Hope by Christian M. M. Brady — The first two recommendations are secular. As the title implies, this one wades into spiritual waters. Bible scholar Christian Brady wrote this following the sudden death of his son. He pushes back on the idea that grief is a sign of weak faith–quite the opposite. In short, he gives those connected to the Christian faith permission to grieve–and backs it up with solid, yet understandable, scholarly arguments.
• Learning to Fall: The Blessings of an Imperfect Life by Philip Simmons — I read this book while in bed with COVID, following a sustained season of grief. It was written by Philip Simmons as he navigated the journey of an ALS diagnosis and reflected in life and death through the lens of a progressive disease. I found his essays comforting and easy to connect with.

Photo by Tranmautritam

Websites

• Speaking Grief
• Modern Loss
• What’s Your Grief
• Talk Death
• National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG)
• Eluna Network
• Dougy Center

Photo by cottonbro studio

Instagram Accounts:

These are some grief/mental health accounts I follow:

• Speaking Grief
• Refuge in Grief
• Latinx Grief
• Self Care Wall
• Being Here, Human
• The Glorious Hum

And, because grief can be so heavy, these are some other accounts I turn to when I need a dose of lightness (i.e., when I need to see cute, fluffy animals):

• otter.page
• corgi_lover_page
• raccoondailyfun
• onlykoala61
• smiling.alpaca

Photo by Jens Mahnke

Videos:

• Speaking Grief (59 minutes) — This documentary validates grief as a normal, healthy part of being human. It also addresses the role that support from friends and family plays in a person’s grief experience, offering guidance on how to show up for people in their darkest moments.
• Message to Grieving People from Grieving People (2:29) — In the course of making Speaking Grief, I asked grieving people what they would say to someone else who experienced loss. This is what they said.
• Help me With My Grief: Making Sense of Support Services and Finding the Best Fit for You (webinar) (01:06:19) — In this webinar, experts outline some of the different modalities of grief support — from groups to individual therapy to books and self-help options — and offer guidance on how to determine what’s best for you and your grief experience.
• Midnight Mass (Episode 4 from 27:14–37:00) — A Netflix series from (brilliant) horror director Mike Flanagan might seem like an odd choice to include here, but this scene moved me deeply when I first saw it. I’ve rewatched it several times and shared it with a number of friends. It’s an extended conversation between two of the main characters in which they each share their thoughts on what happens when we die. One interpretation is purely scientific and one is more spiritual; both are beautiful. If you plan to watch the whole series, be advised that this scene does contain spoilers.

Photo by Jess Bailey Designs

Podcasts:

There are many great podcasts out there on grief and mental health and it’s hard to narrow them down, but these are a few that I most often find myself gravitating towards:

• Grief Out Loud — Hosted by Jana DeCristofaro and produced by Dougy Center, one of the leading organizations that helps grieving children and families, Grief Out Loud shares a mix of personal stories, tips for supporting children, teens, and yourself, and interviews with professionals. It’s platitude and cliché-free.
• Grief is My Side Hustle — Host Meghan Riordan Jarvis talks with her guests about how little education and support has historically been given to grief education and explores the question she hears most often in her office, “aside from crying, what does it mean to grieve?’
• Here After with Megan Devine — Best-selling author and psychotherapist Megan Devine hosts conversations with guests from the front lines of grief, loss, trauma, education and activism. The magic of Megan’s approach is its realism; she looks for the kind of hope you get from telling the truth about how hard things are while refusing to let your heart shut down.
• All There Is — Anderson Cooper takes us on a deeply personal exploration of loss and grief. He starts recording while packing up the apartment of his late mother Gloria Vanderbilt. Going through her journals and keepsakes, as well as things left behind by his father and brother, Cooper begins a series of emotional and moving conversations about the people we lose, the things they leave behind, and how to live on — with loss, with laughter, and with love.
• Coming Back — Shelby Forsythia, Intuitive Grief Guide and author, explores the ideas, resources, and stories that help us “come back” to life after death, divorce, illness and more.
• Dealing with My Grief — Host Darwyn M. Dave lost his father in 1978 when he was 10 years old. He started the Dealing With My Grief podcast to discuss how he’s been coping with grief and bereavement since that time.

And here are a few individual episodes either from other grief podcasts, or from podcasts that aren’t typically grief-focused but dedicate time to this topic:

• What Your Grief: Navigating Social Media While Grieving
• Take Note: Elizabeth and Christian Brady on Sharing Their Grief Through Writing
• Take Note: Grief Advocate Megan Devine On Changing How We Think About Loss
• We Can Do Hard Things: Why Grief — like Love — is Forever with Marisa Renee Lee
• Take Note: Guy Winch On The Disenfranchised Grief Experiences Of Romantic Heartbreak And Pet Loss
• Take Note: Dr. Tashel Bordere on Suffocated Grief
• Take Note: Take Note: Jenn Hepton on Trauma and Grief within the Motherhood Journey
• We Can Do Hard Things: What to Do with Our Short, Precious Life with Kate Bowler
• The Huberman Lab: The Science & Process of Healing from Grief
• On Being: Pauline Boss — Navigating Loss Without Closure
• Death, Sex, and Money: Katie Couric on Death and Dishonesty

Photo by Bob Clark

Songs:

These are my “go-to” songs when I’m experiencing grief. Some are spiritual, some are not. Some may not seem/are not directly related to grief, but I listen more for the vibe than the lyrics. These selections always fill me with a sense of bittersweet peace.

• What do I Know? — Sara Groves
• A Long Way — Josh Garrels
• Heaven’s Not Too Far — We Three
• I Think It’s Going to Rain Today — Bette Middler
• In the Deep — Bird York

These are pieces I turn to when I feel triggered or otherwise overwhelmed and need to self-soothe:

• Spiegel im Spiegel — Arvo Pärt
• End Titles — Passengers Soundtrack
• Can You Hear Your Heart? - Winter’s Tale Soundtrack
• River Flows in You — Yiruma
• Epilogue — Nomadland Soundtrack
• Take Me Home — Lisbeth Scott
• Latika’s Theme — Slumdog Millionaire Soundtrack
• The Long Day is Over — Nora Jones

When I need to a good cry/release, I tap into these:

• Beginning of the End Movement V — The Haunting of Bly Manor Soundtrack
• Together We Will Live Forever—The Fountain Soundtrack

Photo by picjumbo.com

Quotes:

I’m a quotes person. I have numerous notebooks dedicated to archiving other people’s beautiful words. These are some of my favorites on life, death, love, grief, and loss:

• “More love is found in grief than in love itself.” — Lang Leav
• “I roared with the sobbing of my heart.” — Unknown
• “Sometimes, only one person is missing, and the whole world seems depopulated.” — Alphonse de Lamartine
• “To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.” — Thomas Campbell
• “Ruminating isn’t grieving. Thinking isn’t grieving. Grieving is an embodied experience that moves the pain out and through, whereas ruminating is a ‘head’ experience that keeps the pain stuck.” — Sheryl Paul
• “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” — C.S. Lewis
• “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” — Khalil Gibran
• “And that’s what we mean when we say heaven–no mansions or rivers of diamonds or fluffy clouds or angel wings–you are loved and you aren’t alone. That is God. That is heaven.” — Midnight Mass
• “A love I will carry with me, from eons to oceans to inches, back to you.” — Lang Leav
• “She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with It as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts.” — George Eliot
• “Courage, dear heart.” — C.S. Lewis

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood

Poems:

• Grief — Lang Leav (I can’t find a link, but it’s in her book September Love)
• I Loved my Friend — Langston Hughes
• When I Think of Death — Maya Angelou
• Ascension — Colleen Corah Hitchcock

Photo by Anna Tarazevich

Affirmations:

This feeling will pass.

• This is not the same as saying that grief will end. As Megan Devine says, “Grief lasts as long as love lasts.” Rather, this is an affirmation I turn to when I have one of those grief-just-dropped-me-to-my-knees-and-stole-my-breath moments. The not being able to stand or breath is what passes, even as the grief remains.

I forgive myself for not knowing then what I know now.

• Unfortunately, we typically fail to “get” grief until we’ve experienced a loss. I’ve found that when I’m navigating my own loss, I’m often convicted by flashes of past exchanges in which I said or did the wrong thing. Someone will say something “supportive” to me that feels hurtful, then I’ll remember when I said the exact same words to someone else and think, “Oh my gosh, I had no idea that’s what it felt like to hear that.” I’ve heard this same sentiment echoed by many of the grieving people I’ve spoken with. So, I think it’s important to offer compassion to ourselves when these moments pop up. We’re all works in progress.

I will treat myself with compassion.

• Grief is really hard and you deserve all the grace, love, and compassion you can handle–especially from yourself.

This is one installment of a series of digital “care kits” I’ve created/will be creating. Other/ future kits include experiences like supporting grief, pet loss, divorce, moving to a new place, and more. Be sure to follow me on Medium so you can be notified when they are published.

Please note: I am not a licensed therapist or medical professional. This piece is intended for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Please consult your physician or other qualified health care provider immediately if you are experiencing any suicidal thoughts. If you are in crisis, help is available through National Suicide Prevention Hotline — you can call 988. More information is available here.