Byron Katie and Mind Management
“Nothing external can disturb us. We suffer only when we want things to be different from what they are.” — Epictetus, Greek philosopher
You cannot talk (or write) for long about mind management without bringing up Byron Katie. She created a method of self-reflection that transformed cognitive therapy into a powerful personal practice. Her teachings and writings significantly influenced Brooke Castillo, who went on to create the Model and an array of coaching techniques which Brooke teaches at her Life Coach School.
Byron Kathleen Mitchell, better known as Byron Katie, is an American speaker and author who teaches a method of self-inquiry known as “The Work of Byron Katie” or simply as “The Work.”
At 43 years old, she was unhappily married and had three children. After a 10-year struggle with rage, anxiety, and depression, she was staying at a women’s counseling center when she had a profound epiphany: she only suffered if she believed her own thoughts. If she didn’t, there was no suffering.
The Work is a way of identifying and questioning your painful ideas. It consists of asking yourself four questions about a disturbing thought and then gently investigating the notion using what is referred to as “Turnarounds.”
The four questions are:
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
For example, let’s say you have a task that needs to be done at work and your colleague Steven hasn’t sent you the information you need to complete your portion. You might think, “Steven is really unreliable. How can he do this to me?”
Take the thought “Steven is really unreliable” and use the four questions.
1. Is it true? Is Steven really unreliable? Can you tell from experience? Has this happened before? How many times does he have to drop the ball to be labeled “unreliable?”
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? Do you know every aspect of Steven’s life well enough to declare he is “unreliable?” Is he reliable in some ways and not in others?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? Do you get defensive? Angry? Helpless? Do you get better at your job or worse? Do you have a better relationship with Steven or worse? Is he more likely to get his part done when you approach him with that thought or less likely?
4. Who would you be without the thought? Would you be happier or more upset? Would you be more productive or less? (This question is not an imperative to drop the thought. It’s just an exploration, a mind experiment, into who you would be or what would happen if you didn’t have that thought.)
Once you investigate in this manner, most negative or painful narratives fall apart. This type of interrogation reveals the inner workings of your brain. It shows you how your mind makes up stories, little scenes if you will (the more dramatic, the better), and tries to convince you they are true.
This type of interrogation reveals the inner workings of your brain.
It’s natural to feel powerless when your mind tries to hold on to its story as tightly as it can. But you are not powerless. When you are onto our brain, when you recognize its processes and patterns, you can gently free yourself from its grasp.
Creating turnaround thoughts is the next step in The Work. This practice is as powerful as the four questions. Take the designated belief and change it to the opposite meaning. There are usually multiple opposite ideas. For instance, “He’s so bossy,” can be turned around to “He’s not bossy,” and “I’m so bossy.”
This simple process is surprisingly mind-opening. Flipping the original thought around gives you more options to think differently about the situation. You will find that the turnarounds are as true as (or truer) than the original concept. As you observe how each flipped idea makes you feel, you will loosen your story and be able to see reality more clearly.
In the above example, “Steven is unreliable” turns into “Steven isn’t unreliable,” and “I am unreliable.” When you let those statements rattle around in your mind, you will see how they are equally true. The turnarounds are not meant to give you one right answer or find something that is absolutely true. The point of this exercise is to show your brain that all of it is made up.
Here are a few other examples:
“My husband should listen to me” can be turned around to “I should listen to my husband,” “I should listen to myself,” and “My husband shouldn’t listen to me.”
“He shouldn’t waste his time” changes to “I shouldn’t waste his time,” “I shouldn’t waste my time,” and “He should waste his time.”
As I mentioned above, scrutinizing your thoughts will help you see reality more clearly. This is important considering another of Katie’s main teachings: you can’t change reality by being frustrated by it. My life coach repeats this quote from Byron Katie frequently: “When I argue with reality, I lose — but only 100 percent of the time.”
Don’t resist what is happening. There is no should or shouldn’t. Whatever happened was supposed to happen. Any other notion only causes you pain. This doesn’t mean you can’t do something different, change your life, or act differently in the future. Accepting the present does not lock you into that behavior pattern. It does the opposite. It keeps you free and open to be able to behave in any number of ways in the future.
Katie says in her book Loving What Is: “I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. We can know that reality is good just as it is because when we argue with it, we experience tension and frustration. We don’t feel natural or balanced. When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless.”
When you are in negative emotion, you often want to know what to do. But Katie is saying that choosing your next action will be easy when you are aligned with reality in your thinking. Being frustrated by reality doesn’t change anything, so let’s stop doing that. “It hurts when I argue with reality.” What a profound statement. In reality, there is no such thing as a “should” or “shouldn’t.” These are only ideas we impose on reality.
Being frustrated by reality doesn’t change anything, so let’s stop doing that.
You don’t have to force yourself to change your thoughts once you’ve done The Work. When you show your brain that the notions it’s attached to are causing your pain, it will let them go. Just as you will move your hand quickly when it feels the burn from a hot stove, once you understand that an untrue thought causes suffering, you move away from it. Depression, frustration, or fear — any negative emotion — is a little alarm inside your head telling you that you’re living in a story that isn’t true for you. Another quote from Katie: “Reality is always much kinder than the stories we make up.”
In her book, Katie gives specific instructions in how to do The Work. There are example conversations between Katie and her clients, allowing you to see how to apply each concept. I had already been in a coaching program for a few years when I read her book, and it still helped me greatly. It reaffirmed the teachings I’d learned in life coaching and also presented them in a slightly different way so my mind could grasp them even more deeply.
As a reminder, the fourth question in The Work (Who would you be without the thought?) is not an attempt to get you to change or erase the belief. Thoughts are like raindrops. They simply appear; you can never completely control them. As you become conscious of how an idea affects you negatively, it’s natural to think, “I need to change that” (this is called moving to an intentional Model).
The Work is not about what you need to do or not do, it’s about investigating how your thinking affects you. The main goal of The Work is awareness. Once you are aware, your mind will easily make the necessary changes. Don’t push it, don’t reprimand yourself for any of your thoughts. Be curious about them and interested in the result they give you.
Letting go of strongly held beliefs takes practice. At first, you may find yourself holding tightly to an uncomfortable thought and arguing for your pain. If you have gathered a lot of evidence for the narrative “I’m a failure,” for example, your mind will not want to let go of that idea. When you are presented with counterevidence, your brain might say, “That’s made up. I can’t delude myself.” Your mind doesn’t know that it’s a delusion either way. Whatever narrative the brain has already created is as much fiction as its opposite. Katie has us ask ourselves, “Would you rather be right or free?” You’re squeezing a cactus and wondering why you’re in pain. Be willing to let go of the cactus.
Whatever narrative the brain has already created is as much fiction as its opposite.
Bryon Katie’s Work will help you see reality more clearly. According to Katie, “We do only three things in life: we sit, we stand, we lie horizontal. The rest is just a story.” To excavate your pain, identify your main thought and then use the four questions to interrogate that idea. Turn the concept around and contemplate the truth of the opposing statements. Realize that reality is kind; it’s your ideas about it that cause you pain.
If you have any interest in mind management, Byron Katie’s book Loving What Is is a must-read. It is interesting and enlightening. As you read her conversations with clients, you will see parallels to your own difficulties, and you’ll be able to apply this work more easily.
I’ll end with one last quote from Katie, an acknowledgement that every struggle is a thought problem: “There is only one problem, ever: your uninvestigated story in the moment.”
Try this on: “Reality is always much kinder than the stories we make up.” -Byron Katie
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“Disappointment comes in the gap between expectation and reality.”
