How Do Thoughts Create Feelings?
So far, I’ve written an introduction to mind management, talked about how I found coaching, and gone over The Model. Before we get into how to adjust our thinking to feel better, I want to give some information on emotions. The next three articles will address how thoughts create feelings, how to feel better in the moment, and whether we can be liberated from all negative emotion and be happy forever.
The first topic I want to address is where do thoughts come from and how do they generate our feelings? How does that actually happen?
No one knows where thoughts come from. The brain is a powerful and complex organ that processes thousands of thoughts every day. Researchers have surmised that our thoughts crop up from our unique genes and biochemistry, societal norms, events and teachings from our childhood, books and media we’ve been exposed to, and conversations we’ve had with others. We can pick up beliefs from anywhere, but we don’t understand why some stick. Why do we remember certain things and not others? And why do some people grasp onto an idea more than others? These are complicated questions that we’ll probably never fully answer.
But we do know how those thoughts turn into feelings. Some of our thoughts stimulate the release of hormones from our brain. These chemicals course through our bodies. They might incite changes, cause sensations, or direct other organs to release different hormones that target precise body areas. Some of the sensations feel good, some don’t. Some energize us and some deplete us. Because of this brilliant process, we don’t have to be aware of each of our 40,000 daily thoughts. Instead, those thoughts create emotions, and then we operate from those signals.
For example, if we have the thought This is scary, particular neurotransmitters from our brain travel through our body. One signal tells our heart to speed up, one instructs glands in our armpits to emit sweat, another causes constriction of blood vessels and tightening of the muscles in our chest and throat. The overall bodily experience is what we call emotion. We continue to have the sensations as long as these chemical messengers travel through our blood stream. Often there’s a feedback effect: the feelings inspire additional distressing notions which generate more intense emotion and so on. But our bodies know how to process those chemicals. If we let it do its job, our bodies can naturally breakdown the neurotransmitters that cause the feelings.
Whether it’s anger, jealousy, sadness, or discouragement, what we label emotions are simply chemicals in our bodies. We interpret these bodily sensations and identify them as a specific emotion according to what we are thinking. For example, a pounding heart and butterflies in the stomach could be construed as nervousness or excitement, depending on what thoughts we’re having. When we know this, we can be more analytical about our feelings. We are able to take a step back and have some space from them. We can recognize that, although they are unpleasant, these sensations are merely chemicals in our bodies.
Contrary to what our mind tells us, feelings are not dangerous. Our brains can’t distinguish between physical danger and emotional danger. In times of physical danger, our feelings are extremely helpful and can protect us. Before our thoughts can catch up, the emotions can alert us to the need to fight, flee, or freeze. Not having to think about getting out of the way as a car barrels toward us is quite useful. But when we experience negative emotion, our brain tells us that is dangerous also. It believes something has gone wrong and we need to resist or push away the unpleasant feelings. The resistance is actually more painful than the original emotion.
When we understand where the source of our emotions (hormones and chemicals in our bodies produced by our thinking), we can put down that resistance. We can have a more amiable relationship with our difficult feelings, allowing them to pass through us like an annoying cousin who is staying for the weekend. We can say, I’m just going to feel frustrated today; that’s fine. It’s not a big deal. I am going to get good at frustration.
We can have a more amiable relationship with our difficult feelings, allowing them to pass through us like an annoying cousin who is staying for the weekend.
Another source of our emotions is mirroring. Three decades ago, neuroscientists in Italy discovered mirror neurons, tiny brain cells that fire in the same way whether we complete an action or watch someone else complete the same action. The general idea of mirroring was already common knowledge: babies mirror their parents’ movements; when watching a movie, we have emotions based on what happens to actors on the screen; people look around in social situations and do what everyone else is doing. But discovering the neurons solidified the notion, made it more scientific.
If our spouse comes home from work frustrated and stressed, we start to feel the same way. Have you noticed this? Or when our child is grumpy on a vacation, we become grumpy too. Even if we don’t know about an argument going on in another room, when we enter that room, our mirror neurons pick up on the subtle facial expressions and body language of others that indicate there is tension here.
Our mirror neurons cause us to mirror other people’s emotions, but we also contribute to the process with our thinking. When a spouse comes home frustrated, we mirror his behaviors, and we usually think something like This is horrible; he’s stressed out at work; what are we going to do? and this develops frustration and stress inside of us.
Whether mirroring comes from our neurological system or our thoughts, understanding this concept can be life changing. Now that you know about it, you will notice it when it happens. And you will be able to intercept the process.
One day I loaded the car to take two of my children skiing. They did not want to go, and they were grumpy all morning. They slumped in their chairs at breakfast, made faces, and complained about having to get up early and then be cold on the ski hill. I found myself getting more and more grumpy, preoccupied with thoughts about how ungrateful they were and how they were going to ruin the ski day.
Then it hit me–I was mirroring them! I almost laughed when I realized it. I had recently learned about the concept, and here it was in action. It was freeing to recognize that I don’t have to feel what they feel. I saw that my mind was running on default mode, and I knew I could intervene. Even though my neurons automatically mirrored their actions, once I became conscious of it, I could interrupt the process. I reminded myself that none of my negative emotion came from the outside circumstances (their grumpiness); I produced it with my thinking.
Even though my neurons automatically mirrored their actions, once I became conscious of it, I could interrupt the process.
I acknowledged that I felt upset because I assumed the day would go a certain way. I thought it would to be a fun ski day with family bonding, but I was wrong. It was never meant to be that kind of day. My brain doesn’t like to be wrong, but it’s okay that it was. I had to readjust my thinking to this: It’s going to be a different kind of day than I anticipated — a day where they are grumpy. Okay, however they feel about skiing is totally fine. I can allow them their experience and simultaneously create my own experience. My mind thinks I need to pay attention to their behavior and their moods, but I don’t. I only need to pay attention to my thinking and how I show up.
Paying attention to our thoughts and what feelings they produce is vital because, as the Model shows us, those two things determine our actions which construct our results. Different feelings can fuel the same or similar actions, but when we change the emotion that drives them, we get an altered result. Imagine you have a teenager who has broken the phone rules and you intend to take away his phone. If your primary feeling is anger or resentment, then you will show up one way. Alternatively, you could think something that generate determination and confidence. You might perform the exact same actions, say the same words, and enforce the same consequences, but with varying emotions driving you, the execution and the atmosphere changes. There’s a different tone of voice or expression on your face, so your end result will be different.
Don’t worry if the thoughts-create-feelings concept feels foreign or even wrong. We instinctively believe that emotions are caused by outside events. Most people wake up in the morning and wonder what kind of day they’ll have. They believe they are at the mercy of whatever randomly occurs. Will good things happen (and therefore they will feel good) or will bad things happen? They don’t consider that they can influence their feelings throughout the day. They suppose that external events determine their emotions. This provokes feelings of powerless and fear. They have to be afraid of what might happen because it can cause them to experience difficult emotions.
Understanding the real source of our feelings is empowering. Knowing that we generate all our emotions with our thoughts is what some call emotional adulthood. When we are in emotional childhood, we want to blame others for our feelings and complain about how bad life is. But being emotionally mature means taking responsibility for our own feelings while knowing that because we are human, we will always construct some amount of negative emotion.
I heard my life coach, Jody, coach a client a few weeks before Thanksgiving. The caller said that she was nervous about seeing her in-laws because her brother-in-law is aggressive and picks fights with her husband. She was worried that her husband would get mad and then she would get upset. Jody reminded her that if she felt upset it would be because of her own thoughts. Jody asked her, “Who do you want in charge of your feelings on that day? Your brother-in-law? Do you think he can handle that?!”
Jody explained that when we fear what others might do, we place them in charge of our emotions. In essence, we say, “If you act the way I want, I can feel good. And if you don’t, then I will be afraid or sad.” Unfortunately, we don’t have control over how other people act, so putting them in charge of our feelings is scary. This is why the woman was nervous about Thanksgiving. Once Jody helped her see that she can feel however she wants to about the situation, the woman was more at ease. She can take whatever actions she thinks necessary to protect herself and her family, but she can do those things from peace and confidence, instead of fear and anger.
She is also at liberty to believe whatever she wants to about her brother-in-law. She can think that he is a scumbag who always causes problems, and that will create one set of feelings, actions, and results. Or she can see him as someone who is doing his best but is hurt and doesn’t know how to act more appropriately. Neither of these two notions have to lead to specific actions, such as staying around while the brother-in-law yells and gets belligerent. It’s common to think that if we believe something compassionate about an aggressor, we will act passively. But that doesn’t have to be the case.
Our painful feelings come from our thoughts, and it’s okay that we produce them, as much as we want to or need to.
If this new information is overwhelming or confusing, don’t fret. Many more articles are coming with explanations of basic principles and lots of examples. For now, just let these new ideas sit with you and marinate. Maybe it is true that our emotions are created by our thoughts, that we have more influence over our feelings than our default mind tells us. This doesn’t have to be an indictment of past or current negative emotion. You’re not doing anything wrong. Our painful feelings come from our thoughts, and it’s okay that we produce them, as much as we want to or need to. Knowing how our emotions are generated gives us leverage over them. They are not as dangerous as our brain tells us; we don’t have to push them away. But staying in emotional adulthood and recognizing that outside people or events do not affect our emotions gives us the power to construct a life we love.
The next article will teach how to feel better right away, without having to change our thinking, and then I will address whether we can ever be free of all painful feelings.
Try this on: “I thought things were going to go one way, but I was wrong. It was never meant to go that way.”
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