The 50–50 Principle
You may have noticed that at the end of every article I include the quote: “Disappointment comes in the gap between expectation and reality.” I believe this principle is the key to happiness.
We have ideas about how things should go and how people (including ourselves) should act. When those expectations don’t align with real life, we sense something has gone wrong. The more tightly we hold on to the beliefs of how things should be, the more frustration we cause for ourselves.
In contrast, having no expectations means having no fears, no desires, and no disappointments. In this state, you meet every person or situation with openness and curiosity, with a sense of “I wonder what this will be like?” As Michael Singer says in The Untethered Soul, “What gives life meaning is not any particular event, but the willingness to live whatever comes your way.”
I didn’t always understand this principle. When I started having increased bouts of depression in my forties, I surmised that something was wrong with me or my life. It did not occur to me that I could or should adjust my expectations. I spent a lot of emotional energy trying to add up what I saw as the good and bad of other people’s lives and then contrast that to mine.
If one friends had a difficult marriage but didn’t have a chronic disease, how did that compare to another who was sick but happily married? Which life was better? Who was happier? I couldn’t figure it out. This was additionally a futile endeavor because on the outside, my life looked great: I had a lovely marriage, kind and successful kids, financial stability, and good physical health. The confusion I felt was like looking through a mist.
Which life was better? Who was happier? I couldn’t figure it out.
But one day my life coach, Jody Moore, taught me a concept that cleared up the fog. She explained the 50–50 principle, a belief that everything in life is 50% great and 50% hard. This applies to individual people’s actions, their overall lives, and any situation humans find themselves in.
This is not to say that the actual, factual circumstances are half good and half bad. Circumstances are neutral. But our brain makes up stories about everything in our world, and so the brain will find a portion of life difficult and a portion easy or nice. It’s all made-up, but the first step is to embrace the fact that our minds construct these stories and that’s okay. Sometimes we can alter them, but sometimes we just roll with it.
Knowing my brain scans for problems (to identify the 50% bad) solved the conundrum of why I was depressed even though my life had so many good parts. My mind will find challenges no matter what is happening externally. It might land on chronic pain as the current hardship, or it might land on a broken dishwasher. We often categorize these troubles as harder or easier, but the brain creates the same psychic distress regardless.
This idea helped me recognize that there was nothing wrong with me and nothing wrong with my life. My sadness came from the human part of me that looks for problems. Finding out this was normal was quite comforting. I could stop searching for the broken places and relax into life.
Being mad at myself for feeling down was unproductive and unnecessary. I needed to accept that part of me and move on. At the same time, I was learning how to process my negative emotions and how to identify and reframe my unhelpful stories about my life. These concepts taken together made a big difference in my mental health.
The 50–50 principle also taught me that everyone has problems. There are no struggle-free lives because everyone’s mind continuously identifies and suggests personal troubles. There is no use calculating who has it worse or better. The categorization of difficulties is fiction.
We often can’t see other people’s 50% challenging parts (especially in their Instagram posts), but they are there. Being in Jody’s program means I get to listen in on coaching calls. As each caller explains her particular problem, I am further convinced that everyone struggles. I don’t want other people to have problems, but it is comforting to know I’m not alone in this journey we call life.
There are certain situations where we tend to have high expectations, and at these times the 50–50 principle can be beneficial. Have you ever gone into a vacation so excited, assuming it will be so fun, only to have your luggage lost and bad weather the whole time? If you go into a trip thinking, “This trip will be 50% fun and 50% a hassle,” then when the disturbances come, they aren’t as devastating. You just say, “Here’s the part where traveling is a hassle. I knew this would come sometime on the trip.” With the 50–50 principle, you decrease the gap between expectation and reality.
When you get a promotion, you might hope that all your career worries will be over. When you’re expecting a baby, you anticipate that parenthood will be blissful and fulfilling. What if you applied the 50–50 principle to these life events and others like them (a new home, your marriage)? Then when things don’t go as planned or you don’t feel as excited as you presumed you would, you could think, “Here’s the 50% hard portion. This is part of the deal.” The 50–50 rule allows you to approach life with more curiosity and fewer opinions.
This principle is also helpful when we are evaluating our loved ones’ life choices. We may have views about how others handle their lives, but when we know that every path will be 50–50, we can be more open to accepting their desires. If I had strong feelings about my children going to college, and then one decides not to go, that might be devastating to me. Most likely I believe that going to college is the best way to have a happy and fulfilling life, and therefore the child not attending college will end up with a lot of problems.
But when I know that whatever route my child takes, they will have a 50–50 experience, I can let go of my painful story (“He should go to college”) and simply observe reality. Whatever job that child takes, whomever they marry, it’s all fine. They will create a 50–50 life for themselves because they have a human brain. They will find things they love about their life and things that are distressing. It will always be that way.
[My children] will create a 50–50 life for themselves because they have a human brain.
Here’s another example. Say you want to change careers and there is a job opening in your desired new field. If you apply for the job and change things up, you might love your new career, but there will be difficulties along the way. If you stay in your current job, there will be less anxiety or stress, but you might be less fulfilled and always wonder if your career could be better. It’s 50–50 either way.
When you adopt this principle, decision making becomes easier. At a crossroads, should you turn left or right? Either way you go your mind will find things it likes and things it doesn’t. When you choose one way and hit a metaphorical red light or construction, you can be confident that there were equal obstacles the other way.
If you’re planning a family get together and hoping it goes well, you might have the thought, “I just want everyone to have a good time.” But when you understand the 50–50 principle, you know that people will find something unpleasant about the gathering. Half the people will have fun and half will not. Each person will find things they love about the party and things (or people) they think should be different. This is the way of it when humans are involved. It’s not a problem.
Sometimes when we believe we’ve done something wrong, we wrestle with ourselves over the question Am I a good person or a bad person? The 50–50 principle takes care of that, too. You’re 50% great and 50% a mess, as are all humans! We can do our best to improve and work on things we want to get better at, but overall, we’ll always be 50–50. Such a relief. My parenting is 50–50, my child’s emotional well-being is 50–50, my job, my marriage, my health — all of it will be 50–50 overall. What a great way to manage expectations.
Some people will want to haggle over the percentages: what about 40–60 or 80–20? If you want to use those numbers, that’s fine. Whatever gives you solace, you can choose to believe it. I like the 50–50 valuation, though. It’s simple and doesn’t take a lot of analyzing to decide whether I think it’s true or not. If my life is 50–50, that’s right where it should be. And I can manage my expectations of myself and everything in my life by knowing it will all be 50–50.
Try this on: “I am 50% amazing and 50% a hot mess, just like everyone else.”
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“Disappointment comes in the gap between expectation and reality.”
