The Most Underrated Relationship Skill
As children, we are taught to “Be nice to others.” Our parents and teachers don’t exactly say it, but the underlying premise of that directive is “We don’t want others to feel bad.” This seemingly benign concept actually produces a lot of difficulty for us in relationships. We learn that we are supposed to say and do things to protect others’ feelings.
Here’s the problem: We try to say and do the right things, but inevitably we fail. And then we feel horrible that we “made” someone else feel badly.* We make efforts to manage their emotions and end up feeling bad that they feel bad. This leads to resentment. Now we’re angry that they feel bad. And resentment leads to avoidance.
*Side note: You cannot make anyone else feel anything. Their emotions come from their thoughts. You are the circumstance in someone else’s Model. They have thoughts about your behavior or words, and that creates their feelings.
A better message from our elders would be “Be nice to others because that’s the kind of person you want to be.” They could have taught us that it feels good to be nice, but that, ultimately, other people are responsible for their own emotions. They could have taught us the most underrated relationship skill: how to be okay with your loved ones’ discomfort.
This might sound selfish or heartless at first but hear me out. Being unable to tolerate the discomfort of others leads to relationship struggles. It makes us act in strange ways, hiding our thoughts or behaviors, doing things we don’t want to do, and being “fake” about how we truly feel. It leads to co-dependent relationships and good, old-fashioned people pleasing.
Being unable to tolerate the discomfort of others leads to relationship struggles.
Here’s an example. Sarah and her roommate, Tina, were best friends. They’d lived together for three years, beginning their freshman year of college, and they knew everything about each other. They spent weekends together going to parties or hanging out at home.
Things got tense, however, when Sarah started dating someone. Sarah knew that Tina would be disappointed and even angry if Sarah spent too much time with the new guy. There had been previous instances where Tina showed her jealousy and insecurity if Sarah made new friends or hung out with a group from one of her classes. Sarah was uncomfortable with Tina’s negative emotion, and so she did what she could to minimize Tina’s difficult feelings.
In the past Sarah hadn’t minded giving up her other friends to appease Tina, but she really liked this guy. She told Tina about him, but she didn’t say exactly how much time they were spending together. When she went out with him multiple days in a row, she made excuses to Tina that she was studying late.
One night, Sarah and her new guy went to a restaurant that Tina had also been interested in. Sarah lied to Tina that day and said that they had gone somewhere else. But a mutual friend had seen Sarah there and told Tina. Tina was furious with Sarah — not only that she had gone there without her, but also that she had lied about it. She couldn’t understand why a good friend would act that way, and she questioned Sarah’s friendship.
Of course, Sarah lied in an attempt to protect Tina. Sarah had been taught that it was a problem when others were upset and that she should try to behave in a way that everyone around her liked. This sounds nice at first, but in reality, it can never work out. Eventually, other people in our relationships are going to be distressed or disappointed by something we’ve done.
Sarah was trying to shield Tina’s feelings, but her main motivation was to guard her own emotions. Tina being angry or hurt is only a challenge because Sarah believed that Tina shouldn’t be angry or hurt. This belief created annoyance and anger toward Tina. Sarah also generated guilt for herself when she told herself that she shouldn’t do anything to cause Tina distress. Hanging on to these two notions made Sarah act in ways she normally wouldn’t: sneaking around, being dishonest, misleading Tina regarding her whereabouts.
There are a few Models going on here that we can examine to see what is happening for Sarah. (Tina has her own Models that we won’t explore right now.)
One
C: Sarah and Tina’s relationship
T (Sarah’s thought): I don’t want Tina to be mad at me.
F: worried/nervous
A: act weird around Tina, tell her half the truth
R: Tina is mad at me; I am mad at me (for acting in ways I don’t want to)
Two
C: Tina says, “I feel hurt and angry.”
T: I shouldn’t have done something that made Tina mad.
F: guilt
A: sneaking around, being dishonest
R: I’m doing things I shouldn’t do
Three
C: Tina says, “I feel hurt and angry.”
T: Tina has no right to be mad about this
F: resentment
A: avoid Tina, spin in my mind about how wrong she is
R: I have “no right” to be this mad about how mad she is.
Worrying that Tina might be angry or believing that she shouldn’t be angry both create troubles for Sarah. These beliefs come from trying to manage Tina’s emotions. Notice that “Tina says, “I feel hurt and angry.” is in the circumstance line. That means that it is completely neutral. It is a thing outside of Sarah that she can’t control, and a thing about which she can think and feel any way she wants.
What if Sarah was okay with Tina feeling hurt? This is not the same as wanting Tina to feel hurt. Of course, nobody wants their loved ones to feel badly. But sometimes they will. That’s part of being a human. And if we try to avoid that at all costs, we won’t show up as our best selves.
It’s vital that we learn to be okay with someone else’s discomfort. When we know how to do that, we can show the utmost love to them. We can be honest about our opinions, and we can support them in their desires.
If Sarah had said to Tina, “This guy and I are going to go to the restaurant we’ve been talking about,” Tina might have been angry and disappointed. Sarah could have said, “I love you and I don’t want you to be upset. I want to go with you also, but tonight I’m going with him.”
If Tina continued to be mad, that would be okay. She has the right to be upset about whatever she wants to be upset about. Her upset feelings don’t cause any reaction inside Sarah until Sarah thinks a thought like, “She shouldn’t be upset,” or “I shouldn’t have done that.”
Tina’s upset feelings don’t cause any reaction inside Sarah until Sarah thinks a thought about them.
Neither of those notions are true. Tina should be upset because she is. It’s good to remember that negative emotion is not a problem to be solved. It’s part of being human. And Sarah should have done that (gone to the restaurant) because she did. There’s no problem here.
Let’s say Sarah had done something she regretted and knew was wrong. That’s fine too. She could apologize to Tina and try to make it right. If Tina wanted to stay angry, that would be okay. Tina is allowed to feel her emotions. Sarah doesn’t need to make Tina’s feelings mean anything about herself.
Let’s take another example. You have a family barbecue planned for Sunday afternoon. When your kids wake up, they are grumpy and out of sorts. You realize that you’ve had a busy weekend already and could use some time with just you and your kids. If you take them to the barbecue, you fear they will be disobedient and complaining, and you will be short-tempered with them. You decide that the best thing to do for you and your children is to call your brother and tell him you can’t come to the barbecue. But you are nervous to do that because you don’t want him to be disappointed. He went to a lot of effort to prepare for this event, and you don’t want to “make him feel bad.”
But here’s the thing: his emotions are his to manage. When we try to change ourselves to make other people feel good, we compromise the relationship. We aren’t being our authentic selves. Even if the other person is happy because we modified our behavior, they don’t know the real us. When we allow others to manage their own feelings, we can be genuine; this leads to a true connection with them.
Even if the other person is happy because we modified our behavior, they don’t know the real us.
There is a time for concession and compromise. In a relationship, we sometimes do things we don’t want to do out of love for the other person (and not out of obligation). It can be hard to tell the difference, but if we understand the dynamics of people pleasing and managing others’ emotions, we will have an easier time figuring it out.
In the scenario above, you call your brother and explain to him the situation. When you sense that he’s disappointed and maybe even mad, let him keep his emotions on his side of the phone. Instead of feeling bad about him feeling bad (and letting that escalate to annoyance and anger), be compassionate with him. You can say, “I know this is disappointing for you, and I’m so sorry to do this last minute. It’s not going to work for our family today.” If you take on his emotions, then you become resentful, and you might say (or think), “You don’t understand how hard these kids are. I can’t make everyone happy. Why are you being so difficult about this?!” Another option is “I understand that this is upsetting. I love you and I want to be with you. But today is not the day.”
You come at it with an attitude of “I love him, and I love me.” That approach sounds like “I have compassion for him, and I know that he’s just a human doing his best. He might get mad; he might even lash out at me. But I don’t have to get involved in his feelings. Negative emotions are not a problem to be solved. It’s okay that he’s experiencing them. That’s part of being human. I want to do what I can to help him feel good, but I also love me and need to do what I think is best for my family today.”
When you have your own back and are confident you are making the right decision (while also knowing that sometimes you don’t make the right decision, and that’s okay too), you are able to stay calm when others are upset. I’m okay, and he’s okay. Nothing has gone wrong here.
This concept can be especially useful in parenting. As a parent, I found that I got angrier with my child when I thought, “I don’t want her to be upset.” If I couldn’t tolerate my child’s negative emotion, then I couldn’t set and enforce the rules that I wanted to. When I saw my child’s painful feelings as part of being a human, then I allowed her to express those emotions, and I didn’t make them mean anything about me as a parent.
In these times, I reminded myself, “Of course, she’s upset about this. That’s okay. I’m not trying to make her upset, but sometimes humans get sad, angry, or frustrated. I can have the rules I believe are necessary, and I can enforce them even when she doesn’t like it.” Knowing this helps me stay calm. I am a more effective parent from this space. I love her (and understand her feelings), and I love me (and have my own back in this situation).
The idea that negative emotions are not a problem to be solved has been so useful for me. It helps me get through my own hard times, and it helps me avoid trying to manage other people’s feelings. I try to do my best in my relationships, and when other people are upset about something I’ve done, I don’t take it too hard. It’s okay to make mistakes, even if they cause loved ones to feel bothered.
Increasing my tolerance of others’ difficult feelings has improved my relationships. Honing that skill has helped me be more honest about what I want and don’t want, which has led to greater vulnerability and connection. The belief that it’s selfish to say what we want or to not give the other person what they want has been engrained in us, but it is not a useful concept. We can express our personal desire, listen to others’ desires, and then strive to find a solution that works for everyone.
Try this on: “I don’t have to get involved in his feelings. It’s okay that he’s experiencing them. That’s part of being human.”
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“Disappointment comes in the gap between expectation and reality.”
