Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

Fred is nice and all, but I have my doubts. It’s like, sure, he’ll GET the check at Red Lobster tonight (I suggested the place because I am trash), but will he GET custody of our future twins, Miles and Harriet?

Let’s get real. This inevitable bastard is going to have weekend visitation rights AT BEST. I’m not an idiot. I’ve seen Marriage Story. I too have the capability of hiring a high power female lawyer with Laura Dern level moxie. If this Bumble date thinks he’s gonna steal our future fraternal twins (they are mine though after all I…


Got my first period

Entered an adolescent depression

Starting sucking my thumb again

Started to doubt Jesus too

Ate milk and cookies/developed an overeating disorder

Burned my drawings of the easter bunny

Started putting a lock on my journal

Developed relationship and trust issues

Skipped out on school

Vowed to never use my imagination again

Developed giant breasts

Fell ill spiritually

Began to steal from candy stores

Upgraded to stealing from department stores

Bought a rifle

Joined a gang

Got a tramp stamp

Got a boyfriend named Blaze

Lost my virginity

Learned to drive a pickup truck

Got into a…


Pizza

I’m hungry for cheese

Don’t give me more sauce than cheese

I won’t eat the slice

Tacos

Tacos should be large

Three small ones? Waste of money

Die teensy tacos

Oatmeal

Make believe breakfast

You’re Laxatives in oat form

Oats don’t taste that good

Casual sex with a stranger

No no no No no

No no no no no no no

You know what all right

Train traffic ahead

There’s no train traffic

Someone has died “conductor”

More like grim reaper

Audition

I’m insecure

cast me in your production

Then I’ll love myself

Roommate

I loathe you deeply

Why…


The face that I want to leave

My anal fissure

My trip to the psych ward in 2016

Whale sounds

The fact that I don’t think Ted Bundy is hot (big mistake amongst whites)

How I steal money from my dad

The color of the wallpaper and how that’s interesting

Seinfeld

How I have Lucky Louie on DVD

That I went to Shakespeare camp at like age 25

The fact that I tried to leave 20 minutes ago but got threatened into staying by a happy go lucky 19 year old named Blake

How dogs are let’s face it too…


39 year old blind mystery novelist in new York film academy student film

branch of a willow tree in movement piece

dutch sex slave in poorly written musical

lady macbeth (EDM version) in a grad Shakespeare showcase

one legged chicken in children’s library show

spanish Elizabethan duke who is plot twist in love with his brother

satan in embarrassingly expensive play festival

paper clip with clinical depression in experimental one act

Karen pence in comedy sketch

Princess that was also a moth in a La Ronde

Manic one armed prostitute in musical improv scene

girl with ok body in most…


Photo by Irene Dávila on Unsplash

Because why smell like a garden when you can smell like a garden SALAD?

Pantene Pro-V? More like Pantene Killing-Me! Let’s face it people. Regular shampoo companies are on a mission to destroy our heads. When I lather up my dirty noggin with Pantene, or any store bought shampoo for that matter, my dainty follicles get addicted to that garden goo. If I don’t wash every day, it’s as though some buttery lubricant demon has doused my center part with vegemite. I refuse to spend money on a product that turns my tresses into damaged junkies desperate for their next…


Music

Manic PDG: I stayed up all night last night and wrote thirty songs about wood nymphs for the ukelele. My one woman show is ready!

Medicated PDG: The doctor says I have bipolar disorder.

Shopping

Manic PDG: I recently went to a Whole Foods at the crack of dawn, bought twelve different kinds of hemp exfoliant face masks, seven recycled Loofahs, and three tinted Burt’s Bees soaps, all the while applying a stolen almond butter body sauve. This was just for fun, though. I rarely bathe!

Medicated PDG: I’ve started to shower now that I’ve been diagnosed.

Employment

Manic…


Upon insertion, I was jazzed about getting an IUD! “You’ll love it,” said my gynecologist. “You’ll have lighter periods, manageable PMS, and the freedom to bang with reckless abandon.” I was ecstatic! “You know,” she went on to say, “some women, including myself, think of the IUD as less of a birth control device, and more of a…best friend.” Hey, if this little machine has the capacity to make me happier and healthier, I’ll think of it as a BFF too!

That day, I get a follow request from an account called, @itsmeyourIUD. Zany coincidence, I think, as I click…


Modern Alice doesn’t have the energy to fall down an actual hole, or the moxie required to trudge through a potentially exhausting land of wonder. Both are way too much work.

What millennial Alice is game for is a nocturnal adventure that requires no movement or courage…a dive down the rabbit hole of YouTube.com, starting with…

  • A suggested video of brie cheese melting on a wooden table in front of a fireplace? Alice is surprised to hit the oddly satisfying section so early in her fall, but fuck it, she’ll give it a go. Look at the way that already…

Maggie Lalley

Comedian. @magslals on insta and Twitter The Belladonna Comedy, Little Old Lady, McSweeney’s, Pickle Fork, Lady Pieces, and The Junction.

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