How to set boundaries for your inner pleaser like a ninja

This article is part 2in “Our inner team” series.

I am such a people pleaser. You too? Sigh of relief. Isn’t it great to know you’re not alone? 😅

Actually, I am a recovering people pleaser. Recently, I’ve done a short inventory of boundaries I’ve set around my time, energy, emotional and mental well-being and last, but not least, finances. I realised that I’ve set them quite consistently and with more ease than ever in the past year — I felt like a ninja warrior for a minute then! 🥷🏼😁

This is part II in the series on “Our inner team” — exploring the multitude of inner voices, parts of self that inhabit us: inner critics, inner leaders, voices of our intuition, our cheerleaders and allies. You can read Part 1 on perfectionism here.

Today, I want to unpack our inner pleaser, why it’s important to tackle it as creative leaders and — how to say yes to ourselves FIRST and set boundaries.

“I only recently realised that “No” is a complete sentence.” — Jane Fonda

What it is

People pleasing is — just like perfectionism — a survival strategy we developed as kids — and it’s kept us us safe, included and loved ever since. It’s a superpower of sorts. Except when it starts to grow over our head and it’s doing damage.

Unfortunately, it’s especially pervasive in women because of the patriarchal conditioning to be the “good girl”, be obedient and make other people happy and comfortable, never ask for anything for ourselves. And also as creative leaders we also end up in this trap, cause being empathetic and human centric is what got us into our profession in the first place.

When our inner pleaser gets triggered, it’s like we’re caught in between “a rock and a hard place” with no winning in sight. If we say no, we feel like a bad person, with guilt the size of the mountain. If we say yes, it’s the black hole of resentment, disengagement, overwhelm, anxiety and lowered self-confidence.

As pleasers we like to help, support, make other people feel good about themselves, and sometimes there is even some rescuing involved. But we’re not Cinderella’s are we? So, let’s write our own happy ending.

Let’s just imagine a client scope creep. Isn’t that our favourite. Ok, fair enough, maybe you’re on an internal team, so just imagine your leader asking you for more than you’ve agreed upon. In the moment of panic, the word “sure” flies out of your mouth and you immediately regret it. But now it’s too late to go back (or so you tell yourself) and you cancel your date, training, dinner with family or a Netflix binge. Top it off with feeling guilty, angry and annoyed with yourself — ta da! Sound familiar? Yeah, we’ve all been there, in Pleaseland. And — we can come back from there, too.

The impact

There are several side effects of people pleasing that can undermine your other good leadership efforts:

• Resentment is the most common one I’ve experienced myself. You may end up feeling disappointed with yourself — and the person who “made you do it”. It’s often accompanied by passive aggressive or sarcastic comments, and if you repeat it often enough it can lead to outbursts of anger or apathy.
• When you’ve kept a lid on yourself for a really long time, the pressure will eventually build and blow off the lid. Anger fits anyone? Those can leave other people puzzled and you can come across as temperamental and moody. If you’re a leader, you people will NOT feel safe bringing honest opinions to you for fear of your reaction.
• Pleasing can lead to ineffective leadership. Holding back on communicating difficult news, decisions and feedback can really undermine you. If you’re not clear and deliberate, your team can get disoriented and confused. They will also not trust you if you only say the easy stuff.
• When your team are confused, they will push back in search of clarity, boundaries and control. You risk spending a disproportionate amount of time re-anchoring decisions, getting buy-in and regaining trust. Besides — with no feedback, people’s growth will stagnate, issues will fester and the quality level of your work will stall. If you’re in innovation, you simply can’t afford that.
• If you’re also taking on your team’s workload, instead of delegating, it can breed dependency and helplessness in your teams.
• Stress and burnout was the biggest price I’ve personally paid for my own pleasing (combined with perfectionism) — I ended up doing all the work instead of delegating to my small animal friends (we’re still with Cinderella).
• Saying yes to others, the tradeoff will come from somewhere else: your free time, your sleep, your time with family or friends.
• Putting other people’s needs before your own, it can become increasingly harder to distinguish your own needs from other people’s needs. You might lose sight of what is important to you, who you are and what you really want, with doubt and lack of self-confidence as a consequence.

Becoming a boundary ninja

You can call on your inner boundary Ninja to help you on your way back from Pleaseland, and the process might look something like this:

1. Implement a “No deal” rule: if you find yourself almost unconsciously saying yes when you mean no, make a rule that you NEVER say yes to anyone before you’ve had time to think. This will create a DEFAULT space between a request and your response. This alone can help you intercept the pleasing auto-response and give you the time and space to make a conscious decision.
2. Create some space to separate your “hell yes’s” from the “hell no’s”. I use a rule of thumb that anything that is not a hell yes is a hell no. And then there’s some things that come with any job (and especially leadership) that you have to do and that’s just life.
3. Find yourself a boundary ally (or an inner boundary ninja). You can ask a friend who’s really awesome at boundaries to pep talk you, hold space for you to bring your fear, strategise, scheme and plan. You can also get a coach, we’re pretty effective at it :)
   I sometimes call on on AOC — Alessandra Ocasio Cortez, who takes no shit, especially from the patriarchy and I find her inspiring (if you’re a woman, you will understand).
4. Get clear on how you will communicate your “hell no”. Consider all potential objections and your response to them. If you’re dealing with a person that you usually have difficulty setting boundaries with (like your parent 😅), you will know what is coming when you say no, so you can prepare your answers ahead of time.
5. Prepare to implement the consequences of your decision if the other person doesn’t respect the boundary you set. Sometimes the consequences will suck and you need to be willing to follow through. Never make empty threats. I learned this one as a parent, the kids busted my fake threats in no time, and so will your team.
6. Prepare a time to recover after you’ve set the boundary. In the beginning it may feel like a giant wave has washed over you and you’ll be grasping for air. Your nervous system might be on high alert. You may be overwhelmed with guilt, shame and fear and I want to tell you that that is normal. You can feel vulnerable, so take good care of yourself and spend time on a calming activity — a walk in nature, a meditation or preparing your favourite food.
7. Start practicing your boundary ninja skills on small, not so significant decisions. Pick situations, where you can safely practice saying no, before you get to the big stuff (like saying no to your client on the project scope creep.
8. List your trade off’s, like an account balance. For every yes to other people, there is a no to yourself. Be clear on what you’re giving up by pleasing others. Understand what it’s costing you. It might not be a fun list to look at, but it’s effective as a wake-up call.
9. Imagine what it would feel like and what it would mean to you if you could say no with ease and set those boundaries. Really immerse yourself into this place and spend time here — especially before the situations where you have to say no.

I will leave you with one of my all time favourite quotes:

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

― Prentis Hemphill

And, it’s also a challenge — what is the first small (or big) thing you want to say no to already tomorrow? 💪🏻

Read all articles in“Our inner team” series here.

Through my creative studio Thought Wardrobe,

I work with creative team leaders to reclaim their creative confidence and self-belief to shape cultures and work that matters (and have fun with it again).

I do this through:

1. Leadership coaching & development
2. Team coaching & development

If you would like to explore how we could work together, book a free discovery call.