Does it stop the noise?
yesterday was the first day experimenting with my ADHD drug Elvanse.
I’ve spent my entire life (I’m 40) creating and thriving with the creative super power dyslexia, and as of last week it turns out I was also lucky enough to have been living with the true gift of ADHD at the same time. I just didn’t realise it.
It’s easy for me to express the virtues of ADHD, as all the symptoms that come with it are powers I’ve used to craft my life and business. Impulsiveness to take risks (that to me never feel like risks but apparently are) ~ hyperactivity, meaning I’m pretty much always in hype mode, an inability to stay concentrated on the present, thus always craving the next thing and the gift I’ve most cherished… being emotionally charged (it’s also the rationales behind why I adore westlife ~ although that’s not catergorically been proven)
“It makes you more able than others to connect with people. It enables you to be creative and connect the dots that others aren’t seeing. It gives you an edge of enthusiasm that is infectious and became one of the driving forces behind what you’re doing in your career. All you need to do is learn how to channel that super power into a force for good, to serve the people you’ve brought together, and steer the company you’ve created based on those unique skills that your brain chemistry gave you. Don’t allow it to distract you from the things that matter most, your genuine concern for the people you feel responsible for.”
It’s worth noting that I’ve been able to craft my life exactly the way I wanted (or needed). I owe so much to my two partners. Lis, my bestie of 22 years (married 12) and Sinx, my bestie of 30 years, (Co/founder for 15 years). They’re two of, if not the most focused do’ers I’ve ever met. They say opposites attract, and that would be the case here as I’m a don’ter.
I’ve learnt this week that the key to me living successfully with ADHD is them. They have given me he freedom to be me, they’ve put up with my quirks and frustrations. They’re unbelievable, resilient and have loved me because of who I am. That’s gold. I appreciate them so much… although it’s worth noting I took them both for granted up until the last few years.
A friend of Lis recently got diagnosed with ADHD and in speaking with her Lis rationalised that all her symptoms were identical to my traits. Further still her life had been completely transformed for the better by her meds.
Lis has always thought something was different with me (note she said that’s why she fell in love with me) and years ago she tried to discover if I was infact bipolar. I talked through with my therapist (I’d finally got to a stage in my life where therapy became a wonderful learning time for me and I genuinely look forward to my weekly sessions) and she recommended a private psychiatric hospital.
Note: I decided and could go private, which meant it was literally, introduced to Doctor on email, agree price (ultimately around £1200 initially for the assessment and ongoing prescription and meds’ fees) fill out large questionnaire which also required my parents to fill out (it’s important to compare child symptoms to current adult), meet for 1 hour to talk about my past and current life… wait for next session (about a few weeks later as I had to go to Australia) where I was told I had both types (inattentiveness + hyperactivity/impulsiveness)
The next few days were a mix of confusion, anger, disbelief, worry that I was now ‘weird’ and eventually ultra happiness that I was finally able to compute why so much now made sense.
Initially I wanted to just discover if I was ADHD positive. I had no intention of taking meds, or so I thought.
Lis came with me for the third meeting where we would discuss ‘if’ we wanted to experiment with meds. This was a powerful time for me, seeing my wife talking with the Dr and being so caring and inquisitive.
Living with me takes a toll, since we found out about the ADHD Lis and me have got closer than ever, I think she feels even more protective but she also now understands why I do some of the things that likely drive her mad. Once you know someone’s actions are not conscious it’s easier to process and ignore.
We chose to use the Elvanse medication. Crucially you only need take it once a day, early morning and it works and completely works out of the body within 24 hours.
Note I felt the effects most intensely for the first 8 hours but was still in the zone into the evening.
Elvanse can also be taken when I most need it. So for example when I need to concentrate at a board meeting or I’m needing to really focus on something. Essentially once I understand the perfect dose level I can just use at will…
I don’t really need to use any meds. I don’t need to fit into a structure at work as work was crafted around my needs, and likewise Lis has always accommodated the way I am.
However who wouldn’t want to know what life might be like on the other side…
Enough about the good, with all positive comes the balance of negative.
To me the best way I can describe ADHD is constant noise, or better articulated ‘voices’ constantly talking inside the dome.
The second I wake there are a million things going inside my head, and this culminates in an inability to do pretty much anything other than talk an awful lot, and be frantically hyped. It’s tiring for those around me and tiring for me.
Fast forward because I’m talking too much!
Yesterday at 8:10am I dropped the first Elvanse 30mg pill (I have 7 x 30mg and 7 x 40mg to experiment with until I go back to discuss with the Dr)
The day was beautiful, sun shimmering through the trees as I set out to just sit with whatever would happen to me.
If anyone wants to hear what happens as opposed to read I talked about the sensations and emotions 1h 20 mins after taking on my Plog below.
What happened yesterday was beyond surreal. I think I actually saw or felt concentration. I actually locked into ‘presence’.
Don’t get me wrong, when you first take this pill you could be forgiven to thinking it was a different type of pill. One more akin to heading straight out to Ibiza. Rushes, warmth in the brain, feeling of absolute happiness for no reason, instant connection to anyone who happens to be messaging you. The love I felt was flowing like wine. That in itself was a ride and a half of which I loved (could freak some people out).
But after a while I suddenly noticed the strangest sensation. Time had almost stopped, and I could hear the silence. The silence! There was no voice, no noise.. I was content, I found myself looking at things and just looking and smiling. I was still me, I would test myself every so often to see if I could still be hype, and wow! I could be more hype! But this time I was more aware. I could switch between hype and concentration.
A few hours later (I spent a good few hours just listening to westlife tracks and watching people and smiling and enjoying my mind being blown!) I started testing myself, I read the entirety of a strategy doc I’d never usually get round to reading, I wrote a todo list! And I checked everything off, I spoke to real humans and none of them thought I was any different. Except I was!!
I best describe to myself that I felt completely different and exactly the same.
Today I’m experimenting with day 2, on the weekend with the kids and Lis. I’ll report back.
If you want to know more just mail me > mills@ustwo.com or listen to the Plog above as you can hear the realness through the airwaves…
On being diagnosed
The incredible transformation
Reordering my priorities
