Last Night I Saw “The Hateful Eight” — Pt. 1/2

This first half of the summary is prob fine to read if you haven’t seen the movie. Part two is hella spoilers.

Rating: Chill

Overview: The Hateful Eight is a movie about being super sus of everyone you meet.

Chapter 1: Overture The movie starts with an Overture that highlights the Ennio Morricone score. If you’re late to the movie, don’t even worry about it cause this flick comes with padding. Then the movie starts, kinda. We leave the Overture and enjoy a 97-minute slow zoom-out of a wooden Jesus sculpture. This def means something profound. Behind snowy Jesus, there’s a horse-drawn carriage plowing through the snow. Cut to SamJack sitting in the road blocking the carriage’s path. A blizzard be coming and Sammy is freezing his ballz off. He asks the coachman for a ride and gets a bunch of sass, so he asks the man inside. The man inside is a mustachioed Kurt Russell and ol’ black eye Domergoo (Jennifer Jason Leigh). Kurt-dog is like “ZOMG I KNOW YOU!” to SamJack, cause they had a steak together 8 months earlier. They partake in repartee (prepare yourself for a jill hours of repartee) and it turns out they are both bounty hunters. Kurt‘s lady is worth $10,000 (in Wild West times this is equivalent to $999M) and Jackie has 3 dudes worth $8,000. The question is, can he get a ride? The answer is yes. The three ride in the carriage and blast the n-word 76ish times. Domergoo is handcuffed to Kurt and we find out his nickname is THE HANGMAN, cause he’s a badass bounty hunter that brings in bad guys ALIVE to watch them hang. I believe this makes him like, more moral. Then Goo speaks out of turn and he punches her in the nose, this instantly refutes all of Kurt’s morality—he be douche.

After a minute/hour of boredom, Kurt asks to see Sam’s Lincoln letter. This is a letter written BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN TO SAMUEL L. JACKSON (which I kinda think is real and he has one irl). Kurt reads the glowy piece of paper and sits there in bliss. A letter from the President. Wow. Turns out he and Abe were pen palls—SJ fought for the Union Army and is basically a Civil War version of Django, killing asshole white guys. He’s cool I like him.

Snow’s really coming down now, and OH LOOK there’s another dude in the road! It’s WALTON GOGGINS aka Chris Maddix, the man with two foreheads. He needs a ride too! Funny how so many people are stuck without a ride in a blizzard. This dude is acting like a creeper, Kurt so doesn’t want to give him a ride, but WallyGog says he’s about to become Sheriff of Red Rock—the city Kurt’s heading to for the $10G bounty. Sidenote: I thought this was the same town that’s in Blazing Saddles, but that’s Rock Ridge. Back to story. He gets in the carriage. Mannix hates black people cause he’s a Confederate asshole and he is VERY familiar with who SamJack is. Turns out SJ had a $30,000 bounty on his head for burning down a Confederate prison. Cool. Talking happens, they arrive at Minnie’s Haberdashery.

Chapter 2: Minnie’s Haberdashery This is a place you stay at when it’s too cold to get to where you actually want to go. Now’s when the movie starts. They are greeted by a Mexican named Bob. Sidenote: Bob is supes white for a Mexican dude. Kurt and Goo head into the house to get their warm on while O.B. (the coachman), Maddix and SJ follow Señor Bob into the stable to pet horses.

The people already inside the house (aka The Hateful Three) are as follows:

• Oswaldo Mobray aka Tim Roth acting like a gayer Christoph Waltz. He’s the Hangman of Red Rock.
• General Sandy Smithers aka Bruce Dern who is a magic wizard irl but in the movie is playing an ex-Confederate sass machine.
• Joe Gage aka Michael Madsen aka Budd from Kill Bill aka Mr. Blonde.

There’s a gag where the door’s broken and you have to nail two boards to close it. Who broke the door? Where’s Minnie? QUESTIONS. Kurt’s like “Where’s the coffee?! My stagecoach didn’t have any windows and I needs the coffee!” Whatever was in the pot was gross. He makes some.

Meanwhile the dudes in the carriage/Sr. Bob are showing you why living in the old West/present day Wyoming sucks so much. You’re always cold. Not like, “OMG my office has crazy A/C it’s so cold” but like biting windy cold that makes you wonder how our species managed to colonize Alaska. SamJack starts asking Bob about Minnie and her whereabouts. Bob’s like, Minnie is visiting her folks and asked me to watch over the house. SJ is like—ehhhhh, I dunno about that. He asks more questions. Bob passes his test… barely?

They all go into the house and nail the door shut. This feels a lot like a “Whodunnit” except “No’onedun’nothing.” Why’s the vibe so weird? Is murder afoot? Why does Kurt Russell keep announcing how much this lady Goo is worth?

Want more? Enjoy PART TWO.