Last Night I Saw “The Hateful Eight” — Pt. 2/2
What are you doing starting at part two? Read part one first. The following summary is spoiler town.
Chapter 3: The Jelly Bean No scene had a greater impact on me than when Sam Jackson looks at his feet and sees a jelly bean. I almost lost my goddamn mind when that happened. It’s a little hinty—you know that jelly bean is about to come back times a million later. Basically the whole movie revolves around this jelly bean. I can not overstate this.
Chapter 4–6: Talking Happens Factoids and convo points that followed:
- Oswaldo talks about “pioneer justice” and the importance of the Hangman. How are there two characters in the same room named The Hangman?
- Goggins puts a blanket on Bruce Dern (cutest part of the movie)
- Kurt Russell and Goo take everyone’s guns, Michael Madsen has a clown’s worth of bandanas on him
- They eat stew
- How long are they supposed to be in this giant room together? At this point I’d call dibs on the bed
- WallyGog is like “LOL that’s not a REAL letter from Lincoln. Kurt you’re a dummy.” BURN
- Señor Bob has a piano recital
- SamJack tells an elaborate story but all I heard was “dingus dingus dingus” then he kills Bruce Dern and nobody minds
Chapter 7: Starbucks So while SamJack is telling his story, somebody poisons the coffee. Dun Dun Dun! If they didn’t call this movie The Hateful 8 they could’ve called it Clue 2 cause it also rhymes and has a number. Goo was the only one that was like “yawn” while SLJ was spinning a yarn and she saw who done poisoned the coffee! Now free of her handcuffs, she asks permission (ugh) to play the guitar. She sings as beautiful a song as one can sing without front teeth while Kurt grabs some coffee. O.B. has some too. OH SHIT OH SHIT.
Cut to epic blood barf scene. Peeps be rolfing blood errrrwhere. Of course Kurt bloorfs all over Goo, but she can handle anything. Then she shoots him in the body. BAM!
Now, because SamJack is ALWAYS cranked up to 11 he gets The Hateful Three bros lined up on a wall so he can do some Sherlocking.
Chapter 8: Doritos Locos SamJack interrogates Señor Bob. He’s putting together the pieces—we all ate Minnie’s stew, Minnie hates Mexicans, Sweet Dave never leaves that chair—YA’LL ARE LYING! Then he turns Bob’s head into juice. Turns out there is tomfoolery in this haberdashery yet! Maddix gets ruled out of the coffee poisoners cause his dumb ass was microseconds from drinking it himself (remember this next time you poison coffee and need an alibi). They think The Hateful 2 are trying to save Domergoo, so Maddix says he’ll shoot Goo if someone doesn’t speak up. Duh, Michael Madsen did it. Why else is he in the movie? Then when SamJack is about to say something super cool guy, we zoom down to the basement where we see no fucking way CHANNING TATUM. Tates points his gun upward and shoots SamJack in the nuts. Zowy.
Chapter 9: Magic Mike Flashback to a few hours earlier. Ugh is this movie over yet? Is it just getting started? Let me guess, whatever happens in this scene involves much death. This scene has Madsen/Oswaldo/Señor Bob/Channing Tatum strolling into Minnie’s Habdash, where they actually meet Minnie! She is so charming I can’t even believe she hates Mexicans. Ugh, I love her. When’s the Minnie prequel coming out?
Meanwhile the four bros that just walked into this place are acting just as charming, to the point I think they’re a traveling theater troop. Madsen buys peppermint sticks, Oswaldo wants the highest up thing in the store (JELLY BEANS!!!!) cause he SUCKS, Sr. Bob feigns interest in chess. Then they kill everyone in there except Bruce Dern.
Turns out Tatum is Goo’s handsome brother, he and his flamboyant gang are there to wait for her arrival and kill Kurt Russell while he’s sleeping—or while he’s vomming coffee. Obviously the plan got all kindsa messed up because they didn’t anticipate Mr. Snakes on a Plane HIMSELF to come too. Or WallyGogg either, I guess.
Chapter 10: Finale BAM BAM SHOOT BAM TRAP DOOR BLAM BOOM BOOM SHOOT BOOM BAM. Tatum is dead. Goo cuts off Kurt’s good arm. Errrrone’s bloody. Oswaldo is speaking in a less stupid accent. Michael Madsen whatever. SLJ and Goggs are best friends now despite the fact he’s been racist since he was 1. Goo explains that this elaborate ruse was not the work of a gifted improv group, but by an outlaw gang! Each of them are worth tons of $$$$!!! She tries to get Maddix and Sam to sign the Geneva Convention so they can all just chill and have a fun sleepover for the next few days.
Sam Jack, whose nuts are gone, laughs and laugh and laughs and then they hang her in the habdash. I did not really care for this. I hope she wins a gold trophy cause I don’t think any of the other Supporting Actresses were sucker punched, barfed on or hanged.
Maddix reads the Lincoln letter out loud and giggles. THE END.
Well, folks. Mary Todd is calling so I best be off.
As always, stay tuned for more summaries…
