Her Little Secret
Chapter 17 of “Hold On’’: Kohat 2003
(N.B. I’m writing a novel, a chapter a week, here on Medium. Find out why I write here, start from Chapter 1 here, and always feel free to give me feedback in the comments. I write here for the community.)
Hira was 11 years old when she overheard for the first time that she was an illegitimate child. They were saying how Hira was totally different from her siblings. Her parents and siblings were tall and blond. She was of short height, dark complexion, and curly hair. Her appearance did not match with the rest of her family because she was an illegitimate child.
“I do look different from the rest of my family, but is it true? Am I an illegitimate child? How can it be? My father loves me a lot”. Hira was momentarily consoled by this thought. How could she not belong when her father loved her as much — if not more — than her siblings? However, inklings of doubt crept up when she recalled how her mother had treated her throughout her life. Always the focus of reprimands, Hira had often felt her mother did not like her.
This was an alien concept for her. She thought to discuss it with her elder sister or parents but she could never bring herself to do it. She tried many times to ask her parents or her elder sister but every time the words did not come out of her mouth. She was scared. What if it was true? Over time, she heard the same thing many times, often as a taunt, and then it started making sense to her. She would analyze her mother’s behavior with herself. But the puzzle she could not solve was why her father was still more caring than her mother.
Both in the school and in her neighborhood, she would never look anyone in the eye, feeling that they all knew who she was. . The way they looked at her said it all, especially when she was with the rest of the family. Either they all knew, or they suspected, which is why she felt scorn and dislike emanating from everyone around, directed towards her. These thoughts haunted her for many years to come, and often led to her bolting up from sleep, with beads of cold sweat sliding down her forehead, her heart hammering from a nightmare
Hira sometimes tried to probe her elder sister by asking such questions: ‘’ Shafaq, ummm, ummm, I often think why my hair and complexion differ from yours. We are sisters but very different in appearance. I also struggle with my curly hair but you manage your straight hair so well and quickly.’’
Hira only wanted Shafaq to tell her something if she knew about it. But Shafaq always replied, ‘’I do not know. Why do you think a lot about it? Maybe you should ask our mother.’’ Hira was always confused about why Shafaq would direct this question to their mother.
When Hira’s family moved to Peshawar, she was the happiest. She felt that no one would know about her in Peshawar and she was free to finally be herself and away from everyone’s questioning eyes in Kohat. In Peshawar, she developed a very close relationship with Sadia but could not even dare to discuss this part of her life and her worries. She often thought to discuss it at least with Sadia. But every time she stopped, fearful of losing Sadia’s friendship and scared that her secret would be revealed to others in their school and university. Sometimes, she wondered how Ahmad would behave if he came to know this fact. “Will he continue to be with me? Or will he leave me forever? What will happen to me then?”
And then she thought about why her mother always behaved with her differently. Was it some sort of guilt that she had or was it only to demonstrate that she did not care about her? My father may be a different person but my mother is the same. At least she should behave better with me. These thoughts and questions always remained with her no matter what she did and tried to do.
