A-Z of Emotions: A for Alienated
[Before I continue, I want to emphasize that I am blessed with close friends and godly parents in my life, and to them, I will forever be grateful. This is me working through my recurring moments of feeling like I don’t belong]
When you are programmed to be a shy child, finding comfort in your cocoon away from group of people is your default move. This was me in high school, and it didn’t serve me well. 4 years flew by. Things needed to be different in university.
I vowed to transform into this extroverted sarcastic persona to overcompensate for my shyness. It worked for a bit. My fake alpha personality drew a crowd. I got to know a lot of people, and a lot of people knew me. My Facebook game was 1200 friends strong. That was dope, back in 2012. Yet, at the end of the day, I never had a close group of friends at university. Sure, I had friends. But, there was no Joey, Ross or Rachel in my life, and I never got to be a Ted or Barney in someone’s crew.
.. those are so cliched examples. But, seriously, why didn’t you have a crew?
Was it the sarcasm that was putting them off? People laughed when I made jokes. I thought I was funny. Did they feel like I didn’t care about them? I did care. I cared a lot. I just wanted to be liked and be included.
This empty feeling followed me post university. I didn’t want it to continue. This is why I pursued people-oriented jobs: Tour Guide, Experiential Marketing rep, Sales, English Camp Counsellor, etc. I would make new connections, but never make it the past the first base of friendship: acquaintance. I thought change of scenery would help, which is why I travelled whenever I could. Yet, I couldn’t get rid of this continued sense of isolation.
And then it dawned on me.
Maybe I am the problem. What if I prefer to bathe in misery instead of welcoming new lasting connections? Is my fear of being readily open with people holding me back? I don’t talk about myself enough, is that it? Perhaps, I have shied away from more meaningful friendships because, deep down, I feel like I have nothing meaningful to offer in return. Am I slowly becoming my own therapist?
Slow down here. TOO MANY QUESTIONS!
Ever since I gained an understanding of this world, I have always craved the feeling to want to belong. Yet, it is something that has always escaped me. I could blame it on the nomadic nature of my life, or point fingers at my introversion. I don’t know. For now, as is often the case, I use music as my solace to find answers, and I have sought temporary relief in the the song The Beautiful Letdown by Switchfoot
In a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
I was trying so hard to fit in, fit in
Until I found out
I don’t belong here
Beautiful Letdown is about realizing that everything beautiful comes with its imperfection, and the struggle of the feeling left out gives you an understanding of others in your shoes. For me, feeling alienated has helped me be more empathetic and be more inclusive.
I guess I finally found out where I fit in: with the other outsiders.
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