The most important things to remember about narcissism
Like many other neurodivergent people, one thing that narcissists suffer from is being spoken for, but not to.
In general, the loved ones of narcissists are seen as the experts on narcissism, leading misconceptions to form based off of a lack of insight into our actual thought processes.
As a narcissist myself, there are some things that I wish were widely known about narcissism, but that too often get contradicted by persotypical speakers.
In this article, I’ll speak on the 12 things I — and many other narcissists — wish more people knew about narcissism.
#1. Narcissism is not the same as confidence
Oftentimes, narcissists are stereotyped as extremely overconfident, with narcissism itself sometimes being called a “disorder” of “excessive self-love.”
In actuality, however, most narcissists are neither confident nor self-loving. Both confidence and self-love require self-security, the sense that you have intrinsic value. Very few narcissists are actually self-secure.
Instead, researchers and narcissists alike agree that our self-acceptance is completely conditional; this is sometimes referred to as “fragile high self-esteem.”
With this, we can be self-confident at times, (how often this is varies from person to person) but if we don’t feel validated, we quickly spiral into a state of insecurity and self-loathing.
#2. Our empathy ≠ our morality
While it’s true that most (but not all) narcissists have little-to-no empathy, it’s simply a misconception to say that we lack a moral compass.
In narcissists and non-narcissists alike, empathy is not the same as morality. It’s possible to be kind without empathy, and to be empathetic without kindness.
The type of empathy that narcissists don’t often experience is affective empathy, which is merely the ability to mirror other people’s feelings. Emotional mirroring is not necessary to form a moral compass.
Although it is correct to say that many narcissists also don’t have sympathy, compassion, or remorse — the abilities to care, instinctively help, and feel prosocial guilt, respectively — these also aren’t required for ethical behavior.
Here’s one way to think about it: almost everyone has interacted with someone they didn’t like, but decided to be nice to them nonetheless.
Despite the reduced sympathy — or even the presence of schadenfreude — you understand that it’s likely best to keep the peace, and that your disinterest/dislike doesn’t justify harm against them.
This fact is also true for narcissists: even though we don’t always care about other people, many of us are still capable of understanding that it’s bad to hurt them.
Despite the stereotypes, only a handful of narcissists are so entitled that they’re willingly and confidently abusive towards others.
The same applies on a larger scale: neither narcissism nor hypoempathy are the causes of oppression in society.
Most oppressors and bigots aren’t narcissists, but simply have something major to gain (E.G. comfort, money, power) by ignoring the rights of others.
Similarly, there are many narcissists who have strong, humanitarian values. The difference is that our values tend to come from a place of logic, not from truly feeling for those in need.
#3. Not all grandiosity is narcissism
Admittedly, this is likely something that’s more important to grandiose non-narcissists than narcissists ourselves, but it’s a misconception that gets under my skin nonetheless.
It’s common to believe that anyone who exhibits grandiosity is narcissistic, but only a select portion of grandiose people are actual narcissists.
In actuality, grandiosity can also be a trait of:
- Intoxication by various substances (E.G. cannabis, alcohol, etc.)
- Post-traumatic stress
- Major depression
- Antisociality
- Schizophrenia, schizoaffective, and other psychotic diagnoses
- Bipolar
- Neurodegenerative diseases, along with various other health problems that impact neurological functioning
It’s true that every narcissist experiences grandiosity, but the assumption that grandiosity is tantamount to narcissism is nothing but a popular misconception.
#4. Our emotions are as real as yours
Though it’s true that narcissism can make some of us more manipulative, the assumption that any time a narcissist expresses their feelings is an act of manipulation is completely false.
Narcissists are just as capable of feeling emotions as most anyone else; although narcissism commonly causes a lack of prosocial emotions, it doesn’t cause apathy as a whole.
In a matter of fact, narcissists are frequently hyperemotional, prone to both euphoria and dysphoria, oftentimes even hypomania and depression.
In most cases, when we become self-critical, enraged, or withdrawn, we’re not trying to manipulate or punish anyone, but instead expressing sincere distress and pain.
#5. Most narcissists are traumatized, not spoiled
There are two widely agreed-upon causes of narcissism. The first is technically a “spoiled” upbringing, being a family that raised the child permissively and thought of them as flawless.
However, narcissism is also known to be caused by childhood maltreatment. In these cases, narcissism develops as a defense mechanism, working to counter the ingrained idea that we’re undeserving of affection and respect.
While there have currently been few-to-no studies pinpointing what type of early life experiences is the most common among narcissists, the majority of us anecdotally report going through trauma in our youth.
As an active participant in the narcissist community, I’ve seen very few of us who say that they had a happy, nurturing upbringing.
#6. Most narcissists aren’t abusers
Despite increasingly frequent discussion of “narcissistic abuse” in the media, there’s no high-quality, non-anecdotal evidence to support the idea that most narcissists are abusive.
Not only that, but the idea of the narcissistic personality is a necessarily “toxic” one also goes unsupported.
The core characteristics of narcissism — grandiosity and a preoccupation with one’s reputation — can easily present themselves in non-abusive ways.
Though there are some narcissists who act entitled to treat others however they please, or who use parasitic manipulation to maintain their public image, nothing supports that abuse is the predominant outcome of narcissism.
Not only does narcissism often pose no threat to others, it can even make the narcissist themself more vulnerable. For example, the desperation for approval common in narcissists can result in people-pleasing and self-subjugation in some.
As discussed earlier in the article, hypoempathy — and the related hyposympathy and hypocompassion — also isn’t necessarily abusive.
Attributes associated with narcissism that can be toxic — such as narcissistic rage, for example — only become so when there’s a lack of change. Like in neurotypicals, what’s abusive isn’t the anger itself, but the unwillingness to truly get better when it causes damage to others.
Just as before, there’s no quality evidence that this pattern of behavior is disproportionately present in the narcissistic population.
#7. Most abusers aren’t narcissists
Content warning: Discussions of maltreatment in various relationships, specifically emotional neglect, mental abuse, and physical abuse; nondescript discussions of systemic racism and sanism.
Be forewarned, I have a lot to say on this one.
Like vice versa, there’s no high-quality evidence to suggest that the majority of abusers are narcissists.
Technically, there are many studies regarding the link between personality diagnoses and legal problems, much of which do show a link between the two.
One 1994 article suggested that up to 90% of abusive men in court-ordered programs exhibited signs of madness, (“typically personality disorders” and especially narcissism) while a study from 2008 showed that the women in such programs were more likely to be narcissists than the average person.
However, these don’t necessarily prove that most abusers are persodivergent, let alone narcissists.
It’s a fact that neurodivergent people are disproportionately reported to authorities, arrested, and incarcerated. This is especially true for mad people.
One in four fatal police shooting victims are individuals who were thought to be in an extreme mental state.
Neurodivergent people are frequently treated as dangerous (both by police and the people who call on them) not for actual violence, but instead because ableism causes neurotypicals — and even many neurodivergent individuals— to see atypical behavior as threatening.
Relatively high incarceration rates are present for neurodivergencies that are universally agreed to rarely ever result in violent tendencies. A quarter of incarcerated people have ADHD, for example.
Marginalized individuals — particularly Black, Brown, and mad people — are treated harshly in the legal system, while their White/sane counterparts are often let off the hook, even when there’s more evidence against them for worse offenses.
Not only that, but the diagnosis of “serious mental illnesses” is often weaponized and misused with alleged “criminals,” especially when they’re people of color. Due to sanism, this works to make them seem less credible and more dangerous than if they were identified as totally sane.
Beyond the bias against mad individuals, abuse is also gravely underreported. Depending on the type and your source, anywhere from 44% to 95% of abuse cases go unreported.
With both of these factors in mind, it’s both clear that mad people (such as the persodivergent) are disproportionately persecuted and that most abusive individuals experience no legal repercussions.
As such, studies of caught abusers don’t actually give an accurate picture of the predominant psychiatric profile — if there even is any — in abusive individuals.
Beyond that, the phenomenon of armchair-identifying narcissism in abusive people is a misleading one. Despite popular beliefs, you can only rarely get a real understanding of someone’s psychiatric functioning from observation alone.
Not only that, but considering the necessarily distressing, selfish nature of maltreatment, many abusers seem “mentally ill” or “narcissistic” if you look at their abuse with the intent to “diagnose.”
However, the difference is that abuse is totally situational. The abusive usually behave much differently when it comes to their victims than with the average person.
Meanwhile, narcissism is a constant. Narcissistic attitudes never fully go away, regardless of the context.
Abusers are usually selfish and manipulative, but they’re rarely grandiose or any more sensitive to their public image than what’s typical. (Though they may seem this way due to having more to hide)
For example, toxicity from non-narcissists may look like:
- An emotionally neglectful friend venting constantly, but ignoring her own friend’s emotional needs; she’s not being intentionally exploitative, but simply doesn’t realize that her behavior is so dismissive.
- A mentally abusive husband unfavorably and constantly comparing his wife to other women; he’s not trying to build an “admirable” relationship, he’s just a misogynist.
- An emotionally neglectful father always telling his son to “suck it up” when he’s upset; he’s actually hyperempathetic, but was raised that way himself and thinks it made him “stronger.”
- A mentally abusive mother berating her daughter for not living up to expectations; she’s totally sane, but judges children’s worth by their ability to obey and please their parents, rather than as actual individuals.
- A physically abusive girlfriend beating her partner for critiquing her; she’s persotypical, but suffers from anger issues.
If you look at any of these individual’s behavior through the eyes of a pathologizing observer, it’s easy to judge them as exploitative, status-seeking, uncompassionate, devaluing, rejection-sensitive, and — consequently — narcissistic.
But in actuality, they all have internal motivators totally separate from the hypoempathy, all-or-nothing thinking, and trauma that motivates most narcissistic characteristics. In many cases, they’re motivated by things that society actively normalizes, such as bigotry and toxic masculinity.
Even if an abusive person’s behavior does carry over outside of the abusive relationship or is motivated by some or all of these factors, that still doesn’t mean that they’re a narcissist. Many problems can be behind seemingly “narcissistic” abuse, including simply being a toxic person, unrelated to any trauma or madness.
#8. Narcissists are capable of change
Being a narcissist doesn’t mean that someone is going to be stuck in one mental state for the rest of their life.
As I discussed in my article “The Many Ways to Manage Narcissism,” the “complications” of narcissism can be helped with lifestyle changes and certain forms of therapy.
In most cases, narcissism is lifelong, but some narcissists even grow out of it entirely as they learn to better cope with their madness.
#9. Narcissists don’t inherently need to change
At the same time, “self-improvement” should not be a requirement in accepting a narcissist.
We’re not broken or bad people; we deserve equal acceptance to what you’d give to someone with anxiety or depression, for example. (Or perhaps more, if you’re not so great to such individuals)
The idea that a narcissist necessarily needs to change for acceptance — be it into a specific person’s life or into society as a whole — is sanist, no better than demanding an autistic person mask to be your friend or a gay person “keep it to themselves” to be treated as an equal.
As I’ve gone over at multiple points now, narcissism is not inherently harmful to others. Though this may be controversial, it’s not even a necessary harm to ourselves.
Narcissism is often a defense mechanism, a purpose which it frequently serves well.
If our insecurity is minimal, grandiosity can make us more confident and happy. Admiration-seeking can motivate us to be more helpful and charitable than we otherwise would be. Many of us are totally immune to phenomena like empathy fatigue due to not having it in the first place, which can make some of us even better at supporting others than those who do.
Narcissism can be a strength, and even when it isn’t, we don’t deserve to be ostracized for something out of our control.
At best, we’re happy and harmless, and at worst, we’re actively suffering. Neither of these things warrant a lack of support merely because we think differently than the majority of people do.
#10. Narcissism is a disability
Though people tend to picture intellectual and cognitive disabilities when they think of a “mentally disabled” person, madness is also a type of mental disability.
More specifically, things like narcissism fall into the subcategory of “psychological disabilities,” also called “psychiatric disabilities.”
Though there are several definitions of disability — namely among scholars and advocates — the most basic definition is that it’s anything that impairs or prevents someone from performing a basic function.
Some conceptualize this in terms of intrinsic, bodily/cognitive functions, (E.G. communication) while others conceptualize it in terms of societal functioning. (E.G. employment) Regardless, narcissism impacts both.
Intrinsically, narcissism causes impairments in ego regulation, emotional regulation, and empathy.
Extrinsically, narcissists tend to experience difficulties interacting with other people, both due to the aforementioned mental impairments and sanism in society.
It’s frequently difficult for us to maintain relationships with others, and those we do maintain are often more emotionally challenging than one between two abled individuals.
In severe cases, narcissism can make people unable to work.
Some individuals file for disability due to their narcissism, something they can legally qualify for if characteristics such as hypoempathy, hyperemotionality, or self-worth issues (among others) make them unable to understand, maintain, or manage occupational responsibilities.
#11. At our core, we just want acceptance
Even though narcissists tend to set ambitious goals for ourselves and how we influence our communities, what it really amounts to is the need to be important, something that nearly everyone experiences.
On a basic level, we’re not actually looking for ascendancy or omnipotence, it’s just that the only way we know to interpret our value is through a dichotomy of superiority and inferiority.
In most cases, our need for acknowledgement manifests as a need for idolization because — as discussed earlier — we were raised to see ourselves as either perfect or worthless, with no room for being “good enough” or having regular flaws.
It’s really no different from the way perfectionists and people-pleasers seek out approval: we have a particular way of interpreting others’ thoughts on us, but we’re acting on a basic need nonetheless.
#12. Anti-narc attitudes are pervasive and dangerous
Content warning: Discussions of anti-narc sanism in internalized, social, and institutional contexts.
As I hope you’ve gathered from this article, many of the ideas that demonize narcissists are complicated at best and total myths at worst. We aren’t the one-dimensional vampires that the media makes us out to be; we’re people, just like most anyone else.
However, that doesn’t mean that anti-narc sanism isn’t a widespread issue. In a matter of fact, it seems to be on the rise.
In the past, “narcissist” was largely seen as an insult for the self-obsessed. The quintessential narcissist was a boastful, oblivious coworker that you weren’t quite fond of. The fact that narcissism was a diagnosable mental state was largely unknown.
Nowadays, however, “narcissist” is seen as a distinct, dangerous group in society. The quintessential narcissist is a psychologically abusive partner or parent, taking calculated pleasure in your loss of confidence and security. This idea is propagated not due to ignorance of “pathological” narcissists, but directly against us.
This is reflected through online data, as well. According to Google Trends, searches for “narcissistic abuse” have been trending upwards since 2009, becoming particularly popular from 2017 onward.
Not only does anti-narc sanism propagate all of the misconceptions addressed in this article and more, but it makes it harder for narcissists to seek out support and assistance.
This starts directly within ourselves. With so much misinformation about what narcissism is, it’s harder for people to realize when they may be narcissists.
If you look up signs of narcissism, you’re met with the synonymization of “narcissism” with “abuse,” focusing on our manipulative sadism rather than any deep or essential element of our psychological performance.
If you outright ask others for advice, you get the inaccurate reassurance that “if you think you’re a narcissist, you probably aren’t one.” Questioning your persotype is treated as a matter of post-traumatic stress and self-image problems, not a valid self-exploratory journey.
This leaves us so that we can only realize we’re narcissists by looking up and comparing ourselves to others’ lived experiences or from an unexpected diagnosis by a therapist.
In the cases that we do recognize and accept our narcissism, we can’t easily get support from others. We’re put in a situation where we have to hide our narcissism not to “trick” people, but to protect ourselves from discrimination.
Unless you’ve found a rare supporter of the community, at best, you’re going to get reassured as if you’ve just insulted yourself, and at worst, you’ll be accused of abuse and/or cut off simply for existing as a narcissistic mind.
This contributes to our disability, leaving us more isolated, distrustful, and inclined to “perform” for others instead of letting ourselves be vulnerable with them. It shows us that emotional security is unjustified and unsafe.
Even therapy — the place where so many tell us we need to go to “deserve” support — isn’t a safe space for us.
Many of the articles, YouTube channels, books, and podcasts made to spread anti-narc rhetoric are created by therapists. If we ever go into any of these individual’s practices, we’ll likely be subjected to the same ideas they make a secondary living (or simply a hobby) preaching about.
This isn’t just speculation, either. Many persodivergent people report their therapists treating them as lost causes, dismissing their personal perspectives with carelessness and sanism, or dropping them entirely because they’re “too complicated” of a case.
In general, psychiatry gets increasingly hostile the more “severely mentally ill” you are. Those of us with personality diagnoses, schizophrenia, bipolar, or even just more intense manifestations of stereotypically “simple” mental states are frequently dehumanized and abused in psychiatric settings.
While this is an issue that exists within psychiatry itself, this is further perpetuated when such sanism is normalized in mainstream society.
Anti-narc sanism is not just a stereotype here or an armchair psychologist there, it’s something that prevents us from doing the very thing anti-narc advocates claim they want us to do: get better, kinder, and emotionally healthier.
Interested in getting a narcissist out of a sanist home? Or — if I haven’t convinced you of anything — keeping a family from having to deal with their narcissistic child everyday? Consider donating to my Ko-fi! (P.S. I also offer commissions)
