UPSC’s Civil Services examination is just not an ordinary examination but a journey from a blank state or slate to a state where there is so much to look for, from a soil particle to universe and you constantly get synchronous feeds from environment you live in and with this there are numerous async feeds of the acts of what we have done in the past and what we are doing right now. It is important to understand that this is positive transition where you get to know the crux of everything, you try to be more observative and realistic; sometimes it becomes more inward looking, which depends on your Optional which you paddle through the process.
Some say that it just an exam, and they are also true, everyone wants to be inside the most powerful structures of Indian polity, where your job is secure i.e. a Government Job and the perks which are associated with it, therefore people try hard to “crack” it, and most of them are successful also. But from my point of view it is more than an exam, even if you don’t get through the process of writing examination and later interview, you really do well in whatever you do in life, because you read and understood different aspects of this world, i.e. geography, history, economics, polity, security, international relations……. and counting; and that’s the reason I call it a journey from which you don’t loose anything (some say it is time you loose if do not get selected, but I think it is the opportunity cost which we have to pay for something far more great) but gain alot, which we may call a fruitful investment which ripe into wonderful return.
“What in me is dark, Illumin” — Milton
The above words from a wonderful piece of art dictates what I wanted to say, i.e. this journey illumines our paths, and gives us the reasons, and values to live a good life, it open wide perspectives, and open inner as well as other worlds for us to ponder upon, and remember — — — very few in this world travel through the “corridors” of this journey.
It was sunny day, one of cold days of December, not an ordinary but it was 12th of December, 2013, and the bus was packed, and on Toll plaza I decided to start this journey. It was an adrenaline as I call, and for ordinary decisions it lasts for some hours to days, but this wasn’t that decisions, and as days gone by I started to find out more about how this process works. At that time this was “just an exam” for me which could open bright doors for my future and I didn’t knew how I will sail through it, I didn’t knew anything about the syllabus, what I should I read and how should I go by. I started scratching the surface which wasn’t the tip of the iceberg, but was just a small spot, and I didn’t knew what was beneath this giant Titan like in Paradise Lost, where Milton describe the amazing mammoth, Satan after the fall. Now, after four years I know what was and is beneath — — — it took so long to understand what it is all about.
I came to know about the exam from a friend, before I knew nothing — i.e. zero. He lived on the second floor on the same side of the partition of the hostel, above room 104, maybe it was 204 I think (2 denotes 2nd Floor and 04 denotes room number). It was through conversations when we used to walk on last mile, and if I remember correctly he was also preparing for that. So, I called him after 12th Dec. and asked the process and books, and then it all started. Next, week it was really painful because I developed a lifelong problem, for which I traveled to my hometown which is just ~120 KMs from my University, to get medicines, and that weekend I ordered all the books from a well known website, and purchased most from offline store situated @ my hometown — — — — That’s all it was. I set to fly now.
The books came, and before that only I decided that I will choose Philosophy and Geography as optional, as at that time we need to opt for two optionals. For philosophy I downloaded a free book of Western Philosophy and hard bound the pages, and I was all set for that, and on the other hand for geography I first started the basic NCERTs. But after 3 months in College and thereafter when I went back for sem-breaks, I was very much disheartened and lost hops for clearing the examination process, so I left the studies during May or June, as it was so much difficult to go though such a solid learning which was difficult to infuse into mind, and this all after so much relax period of 3–4 years. So, I decided to quit in that summer, and it was my first test of will power, and determination. Before that I used to study well, but I do not know what happened and I quit.
It was 2014 notification and luckily the syllabus changed, and now there is only one optional which we had to choose, so I chose Philosophy, means I dropped Geography and I started studying from that big black thick book. It was before I quit, and it was in February or March I do not remember correctly, but the days of power they were for me, will with Everest peak, and I dropped from such a great height, it was very painful. During these days, a myth was built by many friends, some cousins and internet that it is one of the toughest examination and only talented, with well equipped brains, toppers can clear this examination. This was my first revelation that all of them are talking about “Aliens” and this means there is life, apart from our solar system, because only they can clear this examination. This added to my anxiety and helped my in quitting before trying for this exam, as it was just an examination for me.
In Delhi there is flourishing business where students are coached to “crack” this examination and they are successful in it doing that. When I told few that I want to try to clear this examination, all of them told me to go Delhi. It was a Déjà vu, it happened me earlier also, but it was way back in 2008 where after clearing 10th and opting for Science stream, I needed to join one of the finest institutes in Ajmer to “crack” IIT-JEE examination, I joined and failed also, but it is a different story altogether. I was firm that for this examination that I will not join any coaching, even I fail. The problem was severe, as at that time there was not much internet help which is available today in terms of guidance videos, and answer writing scripts, therefore I was blindly studying everything which I can find, it was CSE-2014 examination, and when I saw the paper I couldn’t solve even 30% questions, after studying NCERTs and some standard reference books, this is one of the greatest pulling factor of quitting. And it took long for me to understand where I lacked. It was all clouded, all dark spaces, and that quitting event was radical in my life.
I didn’t knew what I will do in my life after graduating from my university, and the roads were not easy to travel on, so it was devastating from every perspective. But the decision was the decision.
2014 was also important for Indian polity because after more than two-decades there was a government with majority, the instability was uprooted by BJP and India gave judgement i.e. Narendra Modi.
The times were enthusiastic, with power but because of past failures, and the reasons recorded above the decision to start again was nowhere in the scene, and I was hung in between two worlds, i.e. Have and Havenots. It was a tough decision.
The story do not end, there is more. Story continues in Part 2.
Edit: PART 2 : https://medium.com/@okshalabh/upsc-a-journey-of-within-p2-88dd3b57da77