UPSC : A Journey of Within — P2
You can read Part 1 at — https://medium.com/@okshalabh/upsc-a-journey-of-within-745d68e5dfbd
During monsoons or when the skies are thickly clouded, sometimes you see few white rays coming out from parts of cloud, and forms a view to capture into moments; and then we realize how lucky we are to see these realistic and magnificent images provided by nature. But I want to draw your attention to something really important which is the ray-of-hopes; light which come out from the thick-black-clouds.
Early decades of June, 2014, were rough, because in earlier ages I was trembling with fear, and was in dilemma, I left all the tools of my success, that is where my will power was cracked down by opting for studies, as it was a great failure for me; it was like when you try to achieve unbelievable and you leave it in mid-term because of unknown reasons, or the past which hinders your imagination and motivation or will-power or your mind to pursue a goal which is not so strait, if you are riding alone.
Now days of doom, the days again transformed into regular ones, where the cycle repeats i.e. “Wake-Sit-Wat-Sleep-Wake” and I didn't had anything to do, and was useless, as I didn’t had plans for my future.
In between all this I applied for an accelerator in Australia for an idea on which I was working on; so after the drop of UPSC, I started again on that idea (hereafter an Idea). On one fine day I got an email that I am selected and I am in Top-20, so I will have to have to go through final process for Top-6 position and thereafter I will get some funding and etc. On the parallel track, I already got selected for accelerator based in San Fransisco. So, it was a great motivation, and there was a hope for me somewhere there. I was interviewed by the accelerator in Australia and I gave terrible performance, and when I look back at that instance, I feel that it was natural as I didn’t had the confidence, will and motivation to find my own way. So, two-three days later I got an email, “Sorry — — — -” etc. It was like the last nail in the coffin.
I think all this was during mid-ages of June, I was still 5 decades away from my golden decision, and which I didn’t knew that I will choose this path again. BTW I didn’t went for accelerator’s boot-camp in San-Fransisco.
These times were like war in mind, where you are completely lost.
It was something like this: (by WB YEATS)
An aged man is but a paltry thing,
A tattered coat upon a stick
Photographs are like frozen memories, and when we see them they melt in our consciousness and we feel with flashbacks. Like, photographs I was watching one of the stacks of UPSC notes which were right in front of my eyes and on my table, and guess what, flashbacks, and the good times which I spent with full bright days were lying infront of me. I pushed myself towards the books, and looked into the minds of notebook. Ideas are always powerful that they can build you or drown you, and in me one thread of neurons again initiated an investigation with my unconscious mind to find motivation for UPSC. A day later I started thinking again for UPSC.
The mind played well and after some decades I decided to pursue and I want to say that motivation is one of the ingredient for successful life, and thus after some decades of rigorous thinking and analyzing all the paths available, with few talks with Parents, I decided to work again for UPSC. How simple is it to write this line, but I know the time, and some of you may know how time plays with you.
Now, when I look at this specific time-period in my life I now think that it was not a bad decision at all. I want to reveal you that why I took that decision, I wanted to play the game of life on my terms, i.e. I want to be the master of my own game, where the result should be expected on my inputs in other words input from my side = expected output, and other variable should not be others and others should not affect my life, and lastly this was my only option left, so had to do it.
23rd August 2015, first prelims, I gave it and in the evening I knew that I wouldn’t clear the cutoffs, so I dropped the idea to pursue CSE, and I moved towards business, and after two years of void different experiences, I started again, and the story changed.
Now, in 2018, after traveling through ages, and reading novels, books, ideologies, theories and what not, I am satisfied with the result, I haven’t cleared the examination with two-unknown attempts and two-known attempts, but I am happy that I have experienced such a world from different perspectives, and found various hidden treasures in between the ideas, I read stories, poems, strong beliefs of various personalities who lived in different times, and this made me a human, with ages of experiences.
I am happy that the inputs or what I learnt is not a waste, I can live a good life with checks and balances, and I appreciate the opportunity which I got in my life which forged me and my ideas in these times, where I have a different eye for everything, and I have a treasure of my own.
My struggle still continues today, but I am happy to walk on the roads which are less traveled. I can say that I made a right decision.
On 3rd June 2018, I lost one battle, but I deserved this, as I think my time has not yet arrived on the platform, where I can board one of the coaches. I am still not tested well, so I think I will have to sharpen my blades again for a new fight, with more enthusiasm, and energy. But, frankly, depression has already arrived in my mind, so my paths are not equipped with roses, and it is not what it looks from outside.
If you want to feel the fire, you have to enter into the dungeon called CSE, and feel it, you will have your own time of lows and highs, you will get failures, and this will test you instead of your knowledge, and you will win when your train arrives.
I end with these words: (by WB YEATS)
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
One of great poems, this may give you some revelations.
NEXT-PLEASE — Philip Larkin
Always too eager for the future, we
Pick up bad habits of expectancy.
Something is always approaching; every day
Till then we say,
Watching from a bluff the tiny, clear
Sparkling armada of promises draw near.
How slow they are! And how much time they waste,
Refusing to make haste!
Yet still they leave us holding wretched stalks
Of disappointment, for, though nothing balks
Each big approach, leaning with brasswork prinked,
Each rope distinct,
Flagged, and the figurehead wit golden tits
Arching our way, it never anchors; it’s
No sooner present than it turns to past.
Right to the last
We think each one will heave to and unload
All good into our lives, all we are owed
For waiting so devoutly and so long.
But we are wrong:
Only one ship is seeking us, a black-
Sailed unfamiliar, towing at her back
A huge and birdless silence. In her wake
No waters breed or break.
“It is truly a journey of within.”