Can You Always Love Your Mother? The Complex Truth
About Unconditional Love and Family Dynamics.
As a teenager, my mother found me too much to deal with. I was opinionated, and stubborn and just had to be right all the time.
As a teen, I don’t think my mother liked me very much. I never thought about it but, while I may not have disliked her, I don’t think I cared at all what she thought of me.
Are all teenagers like that or just me?
I grew into an adult eager to escape the dysfunction of my childhood. I succeeded. I left for the university and I never went back home to live.
In the years since I left home, I built a business, made some money, traveled to about 9 countries mainly in Europe, survived abuse, became a mother and continue to survive.
Somewhere between leaving home and up until I became a mother, I fell out severely with my mother. We did not speak for over a year or maybe more. The divide had been there for a while. I think the fight that led to our estrangement was a long time in the making.
My mother’s issue were- she felt abandoned by me. I rarely called first and I never confided in her.
From my perspective, I was her least favourite child- she preferred all my siblings to me. They had their inside jokes and were more comfortable with each other and with her, we did not have much to talk about. I could not talk to her all the time because I hate confiding in people most days — being my mother did not change that. I also felt, if she wanted to know more about me, she should use the phone more — I always picked up or called back.
When we became estranged, at first, I felt relief. I did not have to deal with the feeling of never satisfying her. I lived with more guilt of not measuring up to her expectations of me than the ease of a relationship.
I felt — fine you don’t like me, I don’t like you either.
After the birth of my daughter and escaping abuse, I reached out about my child fully expecting her to ignore me. She jumped at the chance to visit. I accepted.
I pray. (Something she showed me).
I started praying about this renewed relationship with my mother. She was never abusive and she is one of the finest moms in the world but the abuse I survived had left me too emotionally jarred for much patience with anyone that wasn’t feeding from my tits.
I wanted an easy relationship. I wanted a relationship that had no expectations. I wanted my mom to not be in my way at all. I prayed for that.
I prayed to love my mother and to like her. I prayed that we have something to talk about.
My mom came around and I felt my prayers were answered. She got busy with the baby, stayed out of my way and her only concern was my wellbeing.
Two things happened one after the other:
- I started to like my mother. Her presence was comforting to me at a time that I was so vulnerable.
- I found myself telling her about me. Unfortunately, we bonded over abuse we had both endured at the hands of men we loved.
Today, I talk with my mother nearly every day and when I go days without calling, she calls back. Sometimes she cannot resist saying- “they have forgotten me”. I laugh and do the same to her if I call first.
And no, I still think I am her least favourite child but that is okay. For years, it hurt me that people will call me “insensitive to the feelings of others and living in my bubble/head”. I have bent over backward for people who will not spit on me if I was on fire, gotten treated like a doormat for trying desperately to come off as ‘sensitive, and lived in abuse for years because I believed them when they will say- “no one will love you as much as I do”.
Teenage me did not care for my mother. Newly minted adult me did not care much either. But this “mom me”, “ survived abuse me”, “more grown up me”, does love and like her. I respect her a lot too and have found that we are more alike than I thought.
In this Women’s History Month, I want to celebrate my mom and yours. I want to celebrate the complicated relationship even mothers can have with their children.
So, Can You Always Love Your Mother? Not in all seasons.
Sometimes, the relationship is simple. Other times, it is just too complicated. The dynamics may have to change drastically so it can grow.
Our moms may not be our confidantes or grow into our besties but we can learn to evolve and grow within the boundaries that work for us. If we care enough, we can (re)learn topics that both parties can enjoy, give as much as we can and have a non-guilty, forced relationship with our moms.
Happy Women’s History Month! How is your relationship with your mom or kids?
Thank you for reading. Buy me coffee?
